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seeking shelter in the storm
There are three things I know about shame:
1. Everyone has it.
2. Everyone is scared to talk about it.
3. The less we talk about it; the more we have it.
Last week I found myself caught in a raging shame storm. Why? I was in a very stressful work situation and rather than responding authentically and calmly, I got sucked in, became reactionary, and totally over-functioned. I did and said things I normally don’t do and say. I was not my best self.
Like all shame storms, it started with soft breezes of memory followed by the warm wash of “Oh shit.” I pushed back the thought. The thought pushed back. My face was hot. I felt small and my heart was racing. I pushed back the instant replay of me acting out and the instant replay oozed back in.
Now the winds of inadequacy are whipping all around me. I’m slowly getting pulled into the shame cyclone. I’m losing my perspective and my ability to recall anything good about myself. First thought: “God, I’m such an idiot. Why did I do that?”
The greatest gift of having done this work (the research and the personal work) is that I can recognize what's happening. I recognize the physical symptoms – dry mouth, time slowing down, tunnel vision, feeling sick, face is hot, heart racing.
This is the very small window of shame resilience. If you’ve read my work, this is where you do the totally counter-intuitive thing: reach out. “I need to talk to someone RIGHT NOW. I need to tell this story.” Shame hates having words wrapped around it – it can’t survive being shared. The most dangerous thing to do at this point is hide.
Here’s the tricky part. You can’t call just anyone. It’s not that simple.
I have a lot of good friends, but there are only 2 or 3 people who I can call when I’m in the shame cyclone. If you share your shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in your already dangerous shit storm. You want something like a sturdy tree - one that won’t rip out of the ground or snap like a twig. You definitely want to avoid the following:
1. The friend who is actually ashamed for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make her feel better.
2. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel for you) rather than empathy (I feel with you). If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly – throw one of these at it: “Oh, you poor thing” or, in the south, the incredibly passive-aggressive version of “Bless your heart.”
3. The friend who needs you to be the pillar of shame-free living. She can't help because she's disappointed in your imperfections. You've let her down.
4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you or looks for someone to blame: “How did you let this happen? Who did this to you? We’ll kick their asses.”
5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be an asshole: “You rock. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you.”
6. The friend who confuses “connection through empathy” with “That’s nothing. Listen to my story.”
Of course, we can all be all of "these friends" - especially if someone tells us a story that gets right up in our shame grill. We're human. Imperfect. Vulnerable.
When we're in shame, we need someone who is deeply rooted, able to bend, and most of all, we need someonee who embraces us for our strengths and struggles. We need to honor our struggle by sharing it with someone who has earned the right to hear it. And it's' a little bit of the right person at the right time about the right issue.
I called my sister. It’s only been in the past year (post 2007 breakdown spiritual awakening) that I’ve called one or both of sisters for shame cyclone support. I’m 8 years older than Ashley and Barrett and for most of our lives I’ve been more of a parent figure than a sister. It’s partly because of the age difference, partly because of circumstance (my parents divorced when I was 20, my brother was 16, and they were 12. I kinda took on a not-so-good co-parenting thing for a while), and partly because of my own need to be . . . well . . . the family elder.
Ashley was amazing. She listened and was totally compassionate. She said wonderfully empathic things like, “Oh shit, man. I’ve done that. I hate that feeling!” We laughed. She talked about a couple of issues that are tender and vulnerable for her. I felt totally exposed and loved at the same time (shame hates that and normally responds by high-tailing it out of there).
She wasn’t uprooted and thrown into the storm. She wasn’t so rigid that she snapped. She was strong and tall. The storm stood no chance. Within minutes, the wind turned into a soft breeze and I stood next to her. When the conversation started, I was cowering under her branches, but when it was over, I was standing next to her. I was strong, tall, and deeply rooted again. That's how empathy works.
Barrett, me and AshleyI’m so grateful that I called her. I'm grateful that my sisters and my brother see me and love me. I'm grateful for the courage to allow my very imperfect self to be seen.
I think compassion is really about acknowledging that we’re all made of strength and struggle. To be compassionate, we must believe that we are all equal, regardless if we are seeking help or offering it. If we allow ourselves to both give and receive, I don’t think shame stands a chance.
Plus, there are just so many gifts in extending a branch . . . and reaching out for one.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Reader Comments (23)
I chased the storm off on my own (well, with some cat help) but continue to grapple with finding the proverbial soft place to fall. It's so, so hard to learn where that is.
I'm so pleased that you found the true shelter and compassion you needed amidst your recent 'storm' and to have someone who is so strong and 'flexible' too. Love the way you describe coming to her all bowed and broken then, because of the 'connection', were later able to stand tall and strong beside her... wow!!
I'm in the midst of a shame storm at the moment (like you, triggered by a 'memory') and reading through your list of possible 'friend' responses has really set me thinking.... no wonder sharing within my current support network is often so disasterous.... eek!!!! Really need to find a 'strong tree'...... quick!!!!
A few months ago I had two memorable shame storms. I think I used my mom as my support for both of them. And I remember, after one in particular, feeling like I'd made a very wrong decision. I have such clear memories of it too. Sitting in the van. Consciously deciding to be courageous and just tell her why/how/where I made such a fool of myself. Of course I was holding back the tears during the entire telling. I was so disheartened by her response. Something to the effect of, "you're just like you're aunt". Of course that would be the aunt I like and connect with the LEAST. I definitely need a better shame partner. To give my mom some credit though, she did come back to me several days later and gave more appropriate responses. But for my mom, who has had so much shame in her life (she calls it guilt), and feels incredibly responsible for passing on all and every feeling of inadequacy, shame, and guilt, I'm guessing that when I tell her my shame stories she internalizes it and experiences her own shame in my behaviour. Note to self: find a new 'person'.
Sure enjoyed seeing you this morning. Thanks for listening about my braces. My family is sort of "done" with that topic and you indulged me whether you wanted to or not!
On a side note . . . I need to order a copy of your book posthaste! I keep looking for it at my local B&N, and those losers never have it. Hee. 2008 was a tumultuous year for me, and I've had to reevaluate just about everything about my life and myself . I've come so far . . . but I still have lots of residual feelings of inadequacy. I'm starting 2009 with a fresh perspective, and hopefully your book!
The only caveat I would offer here is that SOMETIMES giving in to that tugging inside to share something so tender with an unlikely candidate SOMETIMES takes a relationship to a new level or opens the door to an unanticipated friendship.
Without a doubt, in our places of deepest need - we need a safe port. But the risk of trusting our intuition and reaching out to someone new - or someone old in a new way - offers the possibility of great reward.
I have been misidentifying grief or regret as shame. Thank you for such a clear and honest post, you have given me so much to think about.
On December 6th, my bonus son, Tanner, passed away.
I have trying so hard to be a rock for my husband, but today, the shame crept in.
Oh what a storm.
I could have written a book today about all the horrible things that a parent or step parent shouldn't do in case something horrible were to happen and you might be left with the regret.
I could have written a list of 1000 things a step mother should never ever do...no matter what.
Thank you for this post...I think it will help us right now, and we are so in need of this.
Be gentle with yourself
totally totally true! I have a shame cyclone last week and I knew who to call. It was not my sisters, not my spouse, but my dearest friend. Our friendship has evolved past ego, past keeping score and it works to share.
i totally can be / have been / will be 'friend #4,5,6'
the reason i will not feel shame about that is.....we all can do it sometimes
and honestly until i read your book, i think i thought #6 was empathy.....like "here let me tell you something that will make you feel better about yourself." or at the very least make you laugh your ass off at me. hopefully i've become a better listener and friend......
Feelin' that like a big deep breath.
Thanks for writing.
Deb
I have learned the hard way, knew instantly when the person was not the right person to open up with, but today was the night to engrave deeper understanding surrounding that feeling in my memory. I didn't know this morning I would receive such a gift......via the computer :) Your list is so clear and I like how you just put it out there for so many of us to think about and learn the lesson.
Thinking about where I am in my journey, I see how with my husband, as we share a greater connection as our days unfold right before us, and we continue "to get each other" (something I"ve learned from Pat Love), I have found moments when I can be "exposed and loved at the same time" by him. A gift!
I think these points you enlisted are practical ways to better understand what IS important in nurturing true intimacy with my husband. (and those around me) I have learned a lot about empathy with a parenting program called Love and Logic-- your insight adds SO MANY more significant layers to what empathy is all about. What comes up now is what I heard you say once about the time your daughter didn't make the squad/team (can't remember).....you didn't gasp, or rescue her, go solve her problem, you sat with her....you made reference to another quote about simply sitting in the dark with her. That is connection at its finest I believe. It's through empathy, that we can connect with our children, husband, friend, coworker....to simply say, "I see you. I know that feeling. I get you."
Talking shame , responded with empathy, leads to connection....thus we feel whole.
And that thinking leads me to the word surrender and God (taking it one more level)....and for me He is the one that offers the greatest empathy since He is our source...our ultimate source of connection, if you will.