2009: year of the superpower

A really unexpected thing happened to me four years ago. I had scheduled about 20 research interviews for late January and early February. My teaching schedule normally prevents me from collecting data early in the year, so this was a new experience for me.

As I started my interviewing I was totally taken aback by the number of references to disappointment and shame around already-lapsing New Year’s Resolutions.

The resolution reference was new – the connection between expectations and disappointment was not.

For me, the juiciest part of resolution-making is dreaming and planning. I love to sit down over a big plate of chicken-fried steak and mashed potatoes and dream about the size 6 swimsuit that I'll be wearing in a few months. I love to picture my name on the New York Times Bestseller List while I avoid writing like the plague.

There is nothing better than the hope-filled planning period when you're envisioning the results, but the official start date has yet to arrive. The last indulgent meal before the diet tastes better than any other because I’m eating whatever I want while, in my head, I’m already skinny. Sigh.

Most of us aren’t very good at goal setting – doing it well is really tricky, and, worst of all, it’s not at all fantastical. It’s so much easier to say, “I’m going to be out of debt by August,” than to say, “I’m not going to buy that sweater today.”

In fact, resolutions or goals without small, weekly, measurable objectives are basically wishes. And, as my dad likes to say, “If you shit in one hand and wish in the other, guess what you end up with?” (reads like poetry in Texas).

So, here’s what I’ve decided. No more resolutions. I’m letting it go this year.

Yet, the human pull to do something for the new year is strong. So what will it be? "To Do Lists" are a really good idea (like Karen's) and I'll probably do that. I also like Ali Edward's one little word approach.

This year I want to cultivate, celebrate, and nurture something that's already inside me.

Oh Might Winds That Blow on High . . . Lift Me Now So I Can Fly!

2009 is going to be all about naming and honoring the superpower. I was reading Karen’s fabulous interview series and one of her questions is, “What’s your superpower?” I absolutely believe that we all have superpowers and it’s our obligation to the world to figure out what they are and to use them for good.I also believe that we all have our own forms of kryptonite and, if we’re going to be effective stewards of our superpowers, we must understand those vulnerabilities.

Steve and I spent the Christmas car ride to San Antonio talking about superpowers. Here’s what I came up with for me:

I have bionic powers of observation and making meaning from what I observe. They tore me down in my doctoral program – physically, emotionally, and intellectually – then they rebuilt me. Stronger. Faster. Better. I think my superpower is observing human behavior and seeing, then naming, the subtle connections that help us make meaning of our thoughts, behaviors, and feelings.

I’ve been stalling on my new books because I’ve talked myself into believing that unless your superpower is writing, you shouldn’t do it and you certainly shouldn't call yourself a writer. It’s been paralyzing for me because writing is not my superpower, yet I love it. Granted, it's often a frustrating, awkward struggle, but I feel so good when I'm putting my ideas down on paper. Steve helped me understand that what I really love about writing is that its the most honest way for me to share and explore what I've learned with my superpowers. I can't explain why, but understanding all of this has changed my life.

This year I’m going to honor my superpower by believing that it is enough and that what I’m learning is worth enduring the struggles of writing. I might even embrace the word writer. Yes, my one little word for 2009 might be writer (just in case you're thinking that this is easy for me to share with you, know that I'm afraid, a little bit embarrassed, and resisting the urge to delete this post or hide in a vat of peanut butter).

I’m also going to be more aware of my kryptonite. It is very easy for me to use my superpowers to hide out. When I feel anxious or “less than” I can easily slip into a place where I’m observing life rather than living it. I’m so busy making meaning in my head that I stop creating meaning in my heart (think detached workaholic). It’s a total hazard and explains why, in my opinion, many academics don’t function so well beyond the ivory tower.

Let’s celebrate our superpowers together in 2009! Let's spend the year discovering them, honoring them and sharing them. Let’s cheer each other on!

It was really fun to do this exercise with Steve. His superpower is definitely perspective. He has an amazing ability to quickly assess a situation and distill what is important, all the while staying very grounded. We’re still figuring out his kryptonite (which may speak to what it is).

Tell me . . . what is your superpower? What is your kryptonite? I know it can feel so weird to name it, but we need all of the superpower we can muster!

Comments

[krista]

hmmm. that's going to take me a while. i'll get back with ya on that one. i'm still doing a list though. not calling it resolutions, just things i want to see, people i want to meet, experiences i want to have in 2009. i know i won't accomplish all of them, but i'm okay with that....just dreaming, throwing it out there and seeing what happens.

and i'm not exactly sure what you get in regards to your texas poetry....a shit wish? a wish for shit?

[Ashley]

It will take me all of 2009 to figure this out. You and Steve can help me when we come over tonight.

The next question I would like to answer from your blog reads like this: This is a really hard question, so sit down, relax and tell me...what color is the shirt you have on right now???? :) Hope you made it alive out of Central Market.

[Amalia]

My superpower is intuition. While trying to explain intuition to those who don't use it or respect it is a difficult thing, what's been even harder for me is accepting intuition and using it as a guide in my own life.
Which leads logically to my kryptonite- using my superpower to recognize everyone's needs but my own. I'm learning, though.

(And I went with the one-word approach this year. Dare. That's the 2009 word, and I'm completely enamored with it, in an uncomfortable sort of way.)

[Square-Peg Karen]

Oh, I LOVE this game. My superpower is connection! And my kryptonite is quite related to connection - it's my "need" (over attending to, overanalyzing IF) to feel that others are connecting to me (or, in short - to have people like me).

Interestingly, when heavily influenced by kryptonite I act like you mentioned:"observing life rather than living it." - though it seems I'm possibly doing that with my heart unconnected to my head, and you might be doing it as a head unconnected to your heart (or none of the above..lol) -

2009, 2010, this very next moment - whenever - I really resonate with what you said: " Let’s celebrate our superpowers together in 2009! Let's spend the year discovering them, honoring them and sharing them. Let’s cheer each other on!" Yes !!!

[busymomma66]

That's my thing in 2009--figure out my superpower. I'm just not sure what it is.

As for you being a writer--I think you already are. I've been reading your blog for a while, and from what I see it's well written, inspiring, and accessible--all great things in writing.

Keep writing!

[Susannah]

I shared my superpower with Karen when she honoured me with her interview - the ability to channel wisdom from outside of my head - it's uncanny how it happens, and how often.

So glad to have found your blog (and book!) Brene... happy new year to you :)

[kazari]

My super-power is all about webs of meaning - collecting and connecting eclectic pieces of information. I can tell you about how rain clouds form and use that to explain a meditation technique, or look at a piece of Maori jewellery and use it to explain fractals.
But this is also my kryptonite. I get so hooked up in the stories of things, I often leave myself out. The stories are so fun, I forget to tell my story, my truths. So this year for me is about authentic communication, and building relationships where I'm not afraid to tell my truths along with my stories.

[AVZC]

My superpower is thoughtfulness. I am a ponderer by nature. My kryptonite is lack of communication- I have a difficult time sharing my true thoughts with those who are not in my inner inner inner cirlce (that's about 3 people who get more than an earful of my thoughts on everything and would probably be happy for me to spread it out a bit:) I think there is a "hiding out" element to my kryptonite as well.

I agree with Steve about your writing. What makes writers good is having something good to write about. I think that your superpowers of observation and meaning-making are what make you so fun to read. You are definitely a writer.

[Nikole]

Thank you for this. I was just journaling today, trying to figure out what these things are for me. I'm in an icky space where I'm having trouble focusing on the superpower because I'm so blinded by the green glow of the kryptonite. Thanks for the gentle nudge to look harder and deeper, and to be more gentle with myself.

Your writing is always so inspiring. I am anxiously awaiting your next book.

Happy new year!

[Wanda]

We made this our New Year's Eve exercise. My super power is "x-ray" knowing of inter and interpersonal dynamics. I see what's wrong...whether physically for someone or interpersonally in relationships. And then I "know" the strategy to fix it. My Kryptonite is when my desire to be compassionate and of service gets railroaded by shame (I "should" be able to fix it or do more) and my heart aches. I am undone.

My word is Rich. Being grateful for all the riches I now have and being open to all the richness coming my way.

Happy New Year!

[The Other Laura]

I think figuring out my superpower and kryptonite will have to be a goal of mIne for this year.

[tammy g]

I am so surprised to read about your thoughts on writing so I had to write. I am so inspired by you and check your blog daily. I've even forwarded articles to moms in need of encouragement. Please continue to lift me up with your thoughts and I look forward to your thoughts during 2009.

My superpower= observation.

[deb]

My superpower is noticing how other people feel, I can read their bodies and their faces. My kryptonite, I have no ability to hide what I'm feeling. Everything single emotion and thought that goes through my brain, also flashes across my face. I'm transparent. It's hard.

[Beth]

I very much agree with you about the importance of small discrete actions when achieving goals. But I think unfulfilled resolutions are very valuable too. It is unfortunate that they are viewed as a source of shame rather than a source of insight.

The 'dreaming and planning' component of resolution-making that you say you enjoy is described in Sonya Lyubomirsky's book "The How of Happiness" as "imagining your best self" and is a proven mood-lifter. Even if the dreaming and planning doesn't result in you achieving the goals you fancifully entertain, the exercise is a useful one that helps us determine which goals should be given priority and which ones shouldn't. Perhaps a size 6 ass just isn't as compelling as the other goals that do end up attracting your time and effort. My guess is that when imaginining your 'best self' the goal of improving the size of your ass gets boring quickly and that you are drawn to more weighty goals that involve the improving content of your character. I encourage you to keep dreaming and planning because it is enjoyable and can provide insight into what goals are worth pursuing.

[Whitney Johnson]

Great post! Discover your superpowers -- nice!

[Gypsy Alex]

What a great question to hold! I'm seriously going to give it some thought and play with Rich too! And my Dearest... You DO have the superpower of writing! I absolutely love how engaging and knowledgeable you are! Wishing you the happiest of years to you! May you embrace all of your amazing self in 2009! xox0

[Renae C]

My kryptonite - not allowing myself to admit, even to myself, that I might have a superpower or two....

Everything I started to write triggered that "oh, you can't really say that" recording in my head.

Maybe that I listen beyond the words and sometimes can hold the mirror for others to see how much they have to give....

but I have a really hard time looking at my own reflection.

2009 - the year of "possibility" - that's my word

PS - Embrace your word - it suits you.

[c.c. peringer]

Sure is nice to share this thing called cyberspace with folks like you. Not sure what label to give my superpower but I know what it's about. Thomas Merton described himself as "a lover of the dark cloud in which God is found by love"....it's in there somewhere. It's about seeing the wound and loving anyway.....like not being fooled when folks present themselves as critical, controlling, martyred, broken, etc. I don't do it all the time certainly, but I can get there when I choose to, it's what I do for a living. I can see the loving and lovable human and I can love that truer version of them even while they pretend to be unlovable. It's hardest for me to do it with myself and I wonder about the mechanics of that. I can say I choose to hold myself as whole and loving but it's tough to hold on to that while I can hear the self-hating yeah-but-what-about voice shouting in the background. Meditation helps sometimes. Thanks for writing.

[Kirsten Michelle]

i love this post so very much, brene...and i am looking forward to visiting you here and learning more about you and myself as this new year unfolds.
i hope to return soon with my superpower and kryptonite...
although i'm certain my inability to name them now speaks to one of them ;-)

love and blessings to you and yours.
happy 2009!
xo

[Monica]

My superpower is easily my ability to always have friends around me. I once thought I only needed my few best friends and that I didn't have time to make new ones. Unexpectedly, I've come to realize that not to be true. I've allowed more friends (even new ones) into my life...more than I used to. I love every one of them and cherish the time spent with them. They have become part of my family.

My kryptonite is my downfall. I'm always last...everyone else comes first. This is my own doing. I need to alter my way of thinking and make some needed changes in my life. I know this.

Resolutions are easy to make but hard to keep. I will work on my kryponite...I'll leave it at that. I'm thankful for my superpowers. One word to remember in 2009 and beyond... ENJOY.

Happy New Year.
M-

[Bridge]

loving my life - that's going to be the 2009 superpower!~

[donna]

my superpower is being non-judgmental

[Christie]

Came here via your letter on 'Letters to a Parent.' I love your writing style. I will definitely be back!

[Sylvia V]

Do I ever get that 'urge to hide in a vat of peanut butter' deal.
Hiding and binging simultaneously--what fun!

But seriously, you are not only a very engaging and funny writer - you are also an excruciatingly honest one. Now THAT is a superpower.
And being able to (publicly) claim our superpowers - what a worthy goal.
Happy New Year.

[Leslie]

I've been thinking about this for days - love this blog. I've decided my superpower is finding the good in people and the joy (gratitude) in situations - I'm committed to searching for it diligently. My kryptonite is asking for what I need (and figuring out what it is that I need) and also really wanting people to like me (a very common dilemma for many, I know). Ironically, I think my superpower makes it hard for me to sometimes assess what I need critically. I'm so busy trying to be grateful for every situation that I become unaware of my own needs - I'm not sure that makes sense so I hope you understand what I mean. I think I'm good at walking through the dark with others but struggle to walk through it and feel it for myself.

Happy New Year - thanks for the blog - I love it! Give Ellen a hug for me (and let her know Mrs. B still believes in magic and Santa, too).

[Melissa LaFavers]

Dude, I LOVE that you used a quote from Isis! I loved that show when I was a kid, and I was recently able to get it on DVD from Amazon.com

My superpower? Hmm...tough to choose just one, which sounds really arrogant, and for me that is highly unusual. I'm REALLY good at underestimating myself and arguing for my own mediocrity. That might be my kryptonite.

The thing that jumps to mind is compassion. I am really, really good at placing myself in other people's shoes and imagining what their experience is like. Extreme sensitivity helps, but it can be kryptonite in just about every other area of my life.

Talk about taking rejection seriously. I'm a master at that.

And from what I've heard, writing is my superpower. That's what other people say. I don't always see it. Sometimes, just writing a simple comment like this feels like pushing a water balloon uphill through a foot of snow with one toe.

See?

ML

[megg]

I've come here very late, but I really loved this post! I am not sure I have commented on your blog before but I wanted to chime in here - my kryptonite is definitely criticism/ guilt and my superpower is seeing people - when I see someone I can usually tell how they are really feeling, even without any outward sign. I think that it has made me really aware of the connectedness of us all -

Thank you for this beautiful blog! I'm so glad to have found you!

[Nereida Bucio Gomez]

"This year I want to cultivate, celebrate, and nurture something that's already inside me."

Yes, this is what I mean when I say I strive to be the best version of myself. It's to cultivate good habits, celebrate discoveries about my life and love, and opportunities to exercise compassion, and nurture my God-given talents.

My superpower is reading text/theory/curriculum and making it my own. I have the super power of seeing that big picture and how it would fit in my world, and adapt it to my and my students needs and following through...and documenting the whole process. I can then show others in very real ways the process and how it impacts my learning/teaching/students.

My kryptonite has been using my superpower in my teaching/fasciliating/learning from my students and not with me and my family. Thinking back to your alternating vs. integrating quote....I qualify. My kryptonite has been using my superpower selectively. I am grateful to say tthat 2008 and 2009 was just about that (what a discovery; a new way of expressing it): about seeing me in relation to the big picture: God, myself, my husband, and my children. And how it was integrated (back then-->disintegrated). I have adapted to my needs and am emotionally available to meet my family's needs with more perspective. I've carried it out and it takes me to today....and I'v documented the whole process.

I am grateful to be able to be a better model for my boys in what it means to embark on this journey, how to take care of oneself, and be o.k. in sitting with emotions such as disappointment. I now share more of myself with my husband and sons because I have shared more of myself with myself. I guess this is my personal definition of vulnerability.

So, what's my current kryptonite? I think if I dig deeper it is embedded in your following quote. It stirred something in me:
"Neutrality comes from working a program of self-care, spirituality, and abstinence. You no longer run as fast as you can toward what you crave, nor do you run as fast as you can away from it. You’re neither drawn in nor repelled from. You just feel neutral.,,,,,,I don’t feel "better than" or self-righteous..... I just feel neutral."

I think I"ve worked through my workaholicism so fast (and all that was entagled with it) and made such progress with such intensity that as I breakthrough into my current stage, I haven't found neutrality. So here comes another discovery. I was in reverse for a good while, shifted to drive (at full speed it seemed) and in what is left of 2010 I reach for the next shift: neutral.