mama bear, mama bear, what do you see?

I see myself looking back at me.

When I'm talking to groups of parents about my research, there's always lots of laughing AND there are always three or four moments when things get very, very quiet. One of the quieter moments settles in when I talk about the power of seeing ourselves (or our partners) in our children. There is great joy in those moments, but it can also be very difficult when we see the parts of ourselves that we struggle with (or against) emerge in our children.

If we feel shame about a certain behavior or appearance issue and we catch a glimpse of it in our child, we're very vulnerable to feeling more inadequate and even shaming them about it.

If we know that we have an anger or sensitivity issue that can cause problems, we are often alarmed when we see it in our sons or daughters. 

In many ways, 20+ years has turned me and Steve into one funky, hybrid person. When we first got married, I liked the "sleeping temperature" to be 68 degrees. He liked 72. Now we both like 70. For many years, we liked different TV shows, now we like the same ones. That's how it goes.

But, when it comes to our tempers, we're very different. It takes a lot to make Steve really mad, but once he's mad it can take a while before he's "normal" again. He's quick to forgive, but it takes a while to recover.

Me? I can stomp around, yell, and be really pissy, then feel great and be ready to grab a movie and some Thai food. If Steve looks at me weird, I'm always like, "What? It's over. I think you're all cute again." He really loves it when I say, "Oh, I had the rest of the fight in my head. I was right. You apologized. It's over."

If that's not bad enough, I was also raised by an attorney. I can turn an argument into a hostile witness interrogation faster than you can say, "Jack McCoy." While these are lovely traits, I'm pretty sure that both of these things drive him crazy.

I've never understood how my "anger/arguement style" could possibly be irritating. Until now. Enter Charlie. He is a sweet, loving little guy. He's very compassionate, funny, and smart as a whip. He's also 3 - year of the power struggle. Combine this age with my anger/arguement style and here you go:

Charlie: I want to drive by the fire station.

Me: Sure thing, sweet boy. We'll be there in about 10 minutes.

Charlie: Tanks. (my favorite little word pronunciation right now).

Me: Hey Charlie, please stop pushing mamma's seat with your feet.

Charlie keeps pushing, pushing, pushing and I keep asking, asking asking. I'm resisting all of the training that tempts me to say, "Don't make me pull this car over." I don't say it because what would I do with the car pulled over?

Me: Charlie, I don't want to ask you again. You need to make good choices. If you choose to keep pushing my seat, we're not going to drive by the fire station.

Charlie kicks the seat as hard as he can and giggles.

Me: Charlie, I'm sorry, but we're not going by the fire station. You aren't making good choices (my voice is raised a bit and I'm frustrated).

Charlie: You hurt my feelings! 

Me: I'm sorry, but you need to think about your choices.

Charlie: You need to think about your choices. You should blow out your angry words, not use them on friends. Let's both say sorry and start over.

At this point I'm dazed and confused and questioning the entire Montessori concept.

Me: I'm not going to say "I'm sorry." I asked you to stop kicking my seat because it hurts my body when you do that.

Charlie: Momma, it's OK to say sorry. Everyone makes bad choices. You know I still love you when you're making bad choices.

I'm thinking - "Are you kidding me?"

We drive past the turn for the fire station. He screams. I drag him in the house (I'm still confused and getting increasingly tired). He screams more. Five minutes pass.

Charlie: You want to build the biggest fort in all of life?

Me: Sure. Are you ready to make good choices?

Charlie: (In an earnest voice - not being sarcastic at all) Charlie is ready. Is momma ready to make good choices now?

A couple of days later we're in the car again. This time, he's been really hard while I'm trying to get him ready and I'm super frustrated.

Charlie: Are you really angry, mama?

Me: I'm frustrated Charlie.

Charlie: Let's start over. "Hi Mama."

Me: Charlie, I need a couple of minutes of quiet time so I can blow out my angry. It's really hard to go in the car to have fun when you're not helpful getting dressed.

About 7-8 minutes passes.

Me: Charlie, I feel better. Do you want to talk about our day? I really want us to have fun.

Charlie: Nope. I'm in MY quiet time now. Please don't talk to me.

God bless Steve (and Ellen who is a lot more like Steve). Not only are there two of us now, but it kinda cracks me up (if it's not making me crazy).

Please make me feel better and tell me about all those wonderful, crazy-making things that make you think, "Oh no. It's me."

Comments

[Jo]

As the mother of a smart 3 year old I am both laughing at and relieved by this post! So it's not just me! My little power ranger currently likes to put her hands on her hips, look at me sideways, purse her lips and say,"Mummy? No thank you. Not like that please."
We lock stubborn, mirror-image horns every day. And she was adopted. Universal law - your mother gets pay back through her grandchildren no matter how they come to her!

[shawna]

This is so true. It's hard to see worst parts, let alone see them on someone I love. I have to remind myself that they aren't bad traits, they just needs to be harness to become strengths.

I knew from the first minute that my daughter had inherited my stubbornness when she refused to nurse as soon as the midwife took over and tried to show her the way. Of course, as soon as the midwife gave up, my daughter smirked (do they do that at 10 minutes old? I swear she did...) and popped right on. I'm ever so slowly chipping away at my attitude so I'll be able to handle hers as she grows up. She's only 7 months and she absolutely refuses to have anyone show her how to do anything, refuses to do something if someone else initiates it. I missed out on a lot of fun times (and still do) because of my stubborn independent streak. Hopefully I'll find a better way for her to express hers than I have found for myself!

And who knows, then perhaps we can share the results and I'll actually let someone teach me something for once. That's what kids are best at, after all. Eager learners, natural teachers.

[Deirdre]

Can i just say thank you? I felt a little guilty, sneaking up the stairs to check google reader and escape a bit from my little one who is refusing to nap today, and this post has made me laugh out loud---something I really needed to do before going back to face my little determined boy. Thank you.

[The Other Laura]

My husband and I are both a bit (or maybe a lot, depending on who you're talking to) stubborn and our son inherited every ounce of his seven year old stubbornness from the two of us.

When he digs in his heels and refuses to budge, I can so clearly see myself it's hard not to laugh.

[Peggy]

Oh, my gosh, I'm not a parent so I can just enjoy the humor! Glad to see you are seeing the humor too. :) Thanks for sharing and for the laugh at the end of the day!

Peg

[wendy]

OMG is all i can say...i mean, OMG in a font too big for the screen. I can relate to this on soooooooo many levels.

[Stephanie]

First, I so enjoyed hearing you on FM107 this morning, I hope you'll be a regular addition, and I hope they also start talking about the Imperfect Parenting lecture.

And yes, what drives me crazy in my kids is exactly the same things I struggle with. Kids don't stay organized and lose homework -- and there are days I can't find my keys or cell phone. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[Wanda]

I love how you finish the argument with Steve in your head...with him apologizing and you being right, of course.

This: "...it can also be very difficult when we see the parts of ourselves that we struggle with (or against) emerge in our children" hit me right between the eyes. Not as a parent, but as a child. This helps me make sense of some things in a way I hadn't thought of before. Too much story to tell here. Thanks for the new levels of insight.

[marcy]

not only do I see my self but I see my parents and their parents, changed a little over time but we are all in there,..and sometimes it is very hard.

[Renae C]

ROTFLMAO! My husband is wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

Oh Brene. I know the feeling of not knowing whether to laugh or to cry or to scream in utter frustration.

My 4th grader has come home from school EVERY DAY this week with another playground drama. "Mom, I just think our friendship is OVER. Mom, I just don't understand why so-and-so isn't talking to me anymore." Or the worst - "NOBODY wanted to play with me today."

It's so hard to meet her where she is. From my grown-up perspective, it seems so trivial. But then I remembered BEGGING my teachers to stay in from recess every day in fifth grade to help grade papers so I didn't have to navigate the pirranah (sp?) filled social waters. I don't want her to be that awkward lonely kid. But - she gets a big dose of it from both sides of the parenting pool.

It's the hardest job we ever do - even if we are supposed to know the "right" thing to say or do.

Sounds like you've got your hands full for sure. But if he turns out to be anything like his mom (and from the sounds of it he's headed that way) - he'll be okay!

[Elizabeth Annarino]

yes, those 3 year old power struggles, i have a whopper on my hands now also. i try to keep my mouth closed, not project images and fears on my children,naturally i fail. where i succeed...watching that same 3 year old blaze through life with as many lessons to teach me, as i have for him. that is a hard pill for this mama somedays, especially when it comes back in the form of my own words, just like charlie does. but then there is proof, they are listening, they are learning, they are loving. what a great gift to open later when you need it. thanks for the post and for the knowledge, i´m in great company on the path of motherhood.

[Janie]

I just ordered your book at the age of 70 !

Have to fix the thoughts -- My church taught me I was flawed when I was born --Now I have to change something. I know I will be feeling better when I do but those words haunt me now.
I'm so glad I found you.

[Felecia]

I've got a very smart and very verbal 2-year-old. And, both happily and sadly, he's just like me in some ways and just like his Dad in others.

He never knows where that its-not-funny-anymore line is...a character trait he shares with his dad. His dad, for example, will see something funny on the tv and rewind it over and over and over and over again until I think I'm going to scream. After 50 times through, its not funny any more. Jay squirted me with a bath toy last night and it cought me off guard so I yelped and then laughed. So did he...50 squirts, two soaked bath towels, one soaked bath mat and one soaked and frustrated mommy later, he still thinks its hysterical to get mommy wet. Mind you, I've taken all of the squirty toys and anything that will hold water away from him miles ago...but he has discovered the joy of scooping up water in his hands and flinging it up into the air. I was not amused.

He's so smart and observant also. When I get mad, I go into silent-but-deadly mode. If you are near silent-but-deadly, its a bad bad place to be. Virtually anything you do can set off the bomb...when silence is over and a long string of litigator-like words spewes forth over every little thing you did not right since I went into stealth mode...well...my charming and smart little boy has seen this in action...and if he's tired, he becomes silent but deadly. He purposefully ignores me, speaks not one word and proceeds to do whatever he darn well pleases. When I've had enough of "Please put that down." "Please get off the table." "Please put your toys in the toy box." Please, please, please, please, please...only to be ignored, I attempt to sit him down and get his attention. THe result? "NO! Mommy! I don wan to! I no like you! I paying wight now! NO! No kisses! No huggy-hugs! I wan UP! Mommy!" just like me...

SIGH

[Joan]

OMG... LOL! Sons & their mothers. We can't get enough of them and they simply drive us crazy! My 14-yr old son requests that I not remind him a million times about everything I request that he do... he says it has become a habit and he wishes I'd just tell him to do something once, and trust that he'd do it! I do trust him to do it, I just don't like not knowing WHEN he will do it. He says that is really my problem and wonders why everything seems to be URGENT. I wonder that myself. Why do I make it seem that way? Help...Crazy-making at work!

[Tonya]

Girl, I'm right there with you.... My six year old has the same type of reasoning with me. It's only funny a few hours (or a few days) later!


It's sometimes hard to look at him and see my traits. It's harder when my husband gets frustrated with him for being so sensitive to so many things. I completely get the need for no seam socks and the reluctance to wear a coat. I get how shirt sleeves have to be the right length.


And I think it's really funny about the two spouses morphing into one - - - While we still have our differences, we are more alike than not.


Thanks for sharing! I'm going to try to blow some angry out next time I start getting uptight.

Have a great weekend!!

[Gypsy Alex]

Oh my! I'm giggling over this, although I cannot even begin to understand how it feels to see your child grow up, develop personality and have these sorts of conversations... He is your baby though, so his smarts don't surprise me one bit! You are such a great mother ~ Miss you xo

[phyllis]

it is so unbelievable to me when they throw our words back at us....he sounds like he will keep you on your toes and chock-full of blog posts:-) ain't 3 grand?

it's not you, friend.
this too shall pass....

[Irene]

Oh, yea, I am so feeling your pain. My almost two year old and I have the same power struggles. My now five year old was one for the record book at that age. Once, after he went to bed hungry one night--he wasn't given his " just before bed yogurt"--it's a really long story that involes a 3-year old showing his ass and thorowing the mother of all pissy fits-- he was eating a large breakfast. I asked him why he was so hungry (in hopes of resolving the issues from the previous night in a more postive manner). He said it was because I wouldn't give him anything to eat before he went to bed. I recaped the events that lead to him going to bed without his yogurt without his self-serving edits and this was his reply: "Mom, I'm not saying who was a fault here. I'm just saying that YOU didn't give me any yogurt before I went to bed." Touche. He is his mother's son. He comes by it honestly. Uncharacteristically, I let HIM have the last word. Parenthood really can help you work through your issues! Of course, I spent the rest of the day laughing at him and myself.

[Christen]

My husband and I were rolling on the floors over this one!! I know this was 2 years ago, but I'm gonna comment anyway :) A few months ago I was getting frustrated with my 9 y.o. daughter because she wouldn't go to the kitchen by herself. I finally said, "You need to work on this fear of going to the kitchen." She said, "How are you doing with your fear of talking on the phone?" Me: "Point taken" That sure taught me a lesson!

As a side note, one time she was arguing with me persistently, and I said, "B, do you know what your doing right now?" (I was hoping for her to recognize "arguing"). She answered, "Cookin' your grits?" I laughed so hard I was not frustrated at all any more.

Thanks for sharing this story!

[Kate]

I'm 25 and this made me want to have a kid immediately. Which is probably not a great idea :-)