oh, the audacity of authenticity

We trade niceties, she asks what I’m doing, I do my best to explain, she summarizes:
“So, basically you quit your tenure-track position to spend your time blogging, learning photography and doing arts and crafts? Well . . . at least you’re still teaching and researching. I mean, is there a lot of money in blogging? I bet you have to be really careful when you explain quitting to people. Right? I mean, right?”
Chance encounter with old neighbor at Ten Thousand Villages (May 2008):
We trade niceties, she asks what I’m doing, I do my best to explain, she summarizes:
“Good for you! You gave the world the finger, jumped off that hamster wheel and decided to follow your bliss. I’m so glad. You look so great. So much better. I used to worry about you. You were always working, working, working, proving, proving, proving. Now it’s about the dharma. Good for you.”
I walked away from both of these
I didn’t have the words. I couldn’t find them. I didn’t know how to respond or what to say. I’m not a self-indulgent, lazy flake who took a coveted university position for granted. I’m also not a brave, follow-your-bliss shero (I had to google dharma to see how it's spelled). These aren’t my stories. You can tell them about me, but they don’t belong to me.
Yes, I’ve changed. Yes, I feel good. No, things aren’t perfect. But yes, they are so much better. Why? Because over the course of a long, painful year, I realized that “trying to decide” was a waste of time. It was much more straightforward – live authentically or die.
Do I mean literally die? Or live in a malignant malaise? Or watch your soul crumble? Does it really matter? It’s all death.
Living authentically is hard. And no, there’s not much money in it. If it were paid labor, we’d all get lots of hazard pay. It’s uncomfortable. Partners and children are scared and unsure. Friends and family wonder what it will mean for them.
And . . . every now and then, when hope, gratitude and wonder align like the stars, there are moments of feeling like a fish in water. Graceful, weightless and free.
Last night, I spent my evening swimming with some amazing women including Laura, Gabby, Laurie, Ellen and Lucy, Katherine and Jenny. I was a fish in water. No weight, no flopping, just a lot of darting in and out of possibility and promise. I didn’t need to explain or justify or be afraid. There were no expectations, just lots of kirtsying and splashing around.
Oh, the audacity of authenticity.


















05.21.2008
Reader Comments (31)
Veronique
you take things i'm thinking, but you make them coherent. :) thanks for that.
http://susansartjournal.blogspot.com/2008/05/artist-formerly-known-as-dr-carlin.html earlier in the week, and it very much has the same message as yours. I need this message, need to see it repeatedly so that I can be brave enough to live it.
I've come to respect that at different times in life, different things are important; we evolve. I try not to judge others; try not to judge myself. I respect that work means different things to people. Some people can do the work, whatever it is, because it's 'just' work. I need to feel like I'm able to make a compassionate contribution and work for what's good. And yet, even with that, I'm not out to save the world anymore, not worried about making a name for myself, or working on the career that is more visible to the outside world. Right now, home and heart are deeply important, and I'm good with going with that. Still have to pay my bills, but I'm content to try to find work that just seems right, no matter the title, and much happier to seek out company of people who travel a similar path and understand.
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks.
Yes! to the authentic life. Yes! to the struggle.
Thanks for your raw honesty. You inspire me.
I completely understood every word of this post.
The reason I found you is because I'm looking for a new platform and I was exploring squarespace. I don't know what direction I'm headed in, but I'm not scared.
Although, flopping around on the pavement rings a little familiar. :)
After much nashing of teeth and baring of breast (OK, not literally, just figuratively) I stepped out of my comfort zone and into my "authenticity" only to find myself waffling between being ecstatic and terrified in alternating moments.
Your post was an awesome description of stepping into newness with ordinary courage and being true to who are you are: both!
Thank you sooooooo much!
Thank you!!
That's such an apt description - and I think the grace is in the waffling.
Here's to audacious authenticity all together!
YOUR LIFE is a tenured-track job too.
First we learn how to be intuitive, then we have to practice it. It really works, but takes much courage.
you are refreshing, brave and fabulous.
i needed this today.
But then I thought, I already have my bothness: I'm both a writer and an extrovert, in service of the mind (counseling) and the body (personal training), at peace and chaotic, among other things. So I guess I want to be me when I grow up :)
Additional thanks for this particular post - for showing the reality of living authentically in a world where not everyone is in the same place.
Brave, audacious girl, Brene.
I loved your post !!
I want to be okay with me the way I am, To be authentic, but then I run around like a chicken without a head trying desperately to fit into this mold that was made by myself to be this professional wunderkind and I know in my heart that it is ripping me up inside. That I am not being true to myself and that in a nutshell is why I eat too much, or sleep too little. Thank you for this blog and for being courageous enough to follow your bliss. It's the hardest thing to do.