imperfect parenting - have hope

Imperfect Parenting Blog Series CD 2 - Track 3 (Post #9)

Hope is learned. Hope is learned. Hope is learned.

It’s taken me a long time to get my head and heart around this concept. I’ve always considered myself a “naturally hopeful” person. When I started wading through my data and stumbled on the importance of hope, I felt a little anxious.

How do I tell people that having hope is essential to living with courage, compassion and connection? How will this information affect people who struggle with hope?  Will knowing the importance of hope actually fuel hopelessness in folks who aren’t naturally hopeful?

Then I found CR Snyder’s theory on hope. His research changed everything. Hope is learned. Hope is ours for the taking and teaching.

Hope is about goals, pathways, and agency:

Goals - I know how to set goals
Pathways - I know how to reach those goals (I can handle disappointment and be flexible enough to find alternative paths)
Agency - I believe I can do it

I’ve spent a lot of time using this information to reflect back on my childhood. My parents absolutely taught me hope.  They were constantly saying things like, “Then make it happen” or  “figure out how to do make it work” or “try it another way” or “it’s going to be a lot of work, what are you willing to do to make it happen?” And, I was absolutely raised believing that I could make it happen if I wanted it.

The good news is that I’m not naturally hopeful, I was taught to hope. The better news is that I can teach Ellen and Charlie. I can help them set goals, teach them to be creative, perspective, and persistent, and I can model the power of believing in yourself.  

Hope is practical, but it can also be magical. As I was typing this I was thinking, “I need a hope quote for this post.” Right as I started to search Google for a good quote, Jen Lemen walked up and handed me this quote from her art book. She had no idea that I was working on this post. She just walked over and said, “You should have this.”

So, in turn, I’ll share Jen’s hopeful magic with you:

“You are more capable than you realize. Meet the challenge with hope in your heart. You have everything you need to cross the finish line.”  -- Jen Lemen

Comments

[deb]

I grew up with parents who believed that nothing was possible, eternal pessimists. But it got worse, I married a pessimist. Two years ago, on the brink of suicide, I decided to learn how to think better. One of the books I read which helped enormously was Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. I'm a believer in Change how you think, change how you feel.

[Krista]

First....totally jealous of your time in Oregon. What a group of AMAZING women.

I love the quote you shared. I think the hardest thing for me is remembering that maybe the finish line isn't necessarily success or mastering the challenge.

Sometimes we DO fail, and the only message I heard growing up was I could (should) do anything (everything). I never got the it's okay if you don't succeed message.

So I'm not sure how I find it still, but hope for me....is in the trying. Hope is continuing to put yourself out there no mattter how many times you fail or get burned.

It's the belief that it's all worth it in the end.

[Irene]

With my children I find myself saying the old Winnie-the-Pooh line: "your smarter than you think, and stronger than you know." Now, if I could only get that wired in MY HEAD.

[Krista]

one last thing....check out Michael Franti....One Step Closer To You....hopeful lyrics.

[Renae C]

Brene - I love the synchronicity of moments like those. How cool.

Krista - you are so right. How and why is it that "you can do anything" gets translated into "you should do everything PERFECTLY!" I heard the same message and I FIGHT HARD not to pass that message on to my girls. I want them to have hope,to know the whole world is open to them, while at the same time rolling right back to the initial posts in this series about accepting imperfection as the way to let in the light. It's a tricky, tricky balance and I feel I far too often lean toward the side of perfection.

It's interesting to go back and look at the things that we think are inherent that we are learning here that can actually be taught, and figure out what messages we received. I think that the deconstruction of our own messages helps us figure out how to pass healthier messages down to our kids. But it isn't always an easy process.

[Deirdre]

I'm struggling in all these areas, but your CD, that I'm listening to, gives me hope.

My beautiful creative six year old just started 1st grade. And after having had the world's greatest kindergarten teacher last year, I'm struggling accepting the teacher he has this year---and her perception of my child. (2nd day of school when I pick him up, she comments, "Well, he sure is spacey" and "He certainly likes to draw aliens. Tomorrow I'm going to make sure he draws some animals and people too.")

Thankfully my younger son was pulling me in another direction so I didn't bark at this teacher that she is the reason so many people choose to homeschool ;-) I've been debating asking to switch his class. He hasn't complained about her at all, just that he is bored and would prefer to stay home and play.

Listening to your CD tonight, my "a-ha" came when you talked about imperfection and giving our chlidren the tools to make it through the minefield of imperfect situations that is life, rather than trying to make everything perfect for them. I need to listen more/learn more about those tools, especially as they might apply to a six-year-old, but I know in my gut that my son needs that from me more than he needs me rearranging his life to make it easier.

You are doing such incredible work. I just wanted to share a bit of its impact in a small specific way and thank you.