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trying to be brave
One week ago today, I was at the LoveBomb gathering, sitting on a blanket and sharing stories about love, hope, grace, and gratitude.
One week ago today, I was brave. One week ago, I was here (photo by Karen):
Today, I’m afraid. And sad.
As I drove myself home from the airport last week, I felt fear and anxiety bubbling up in me. Will I be able to hold on to the magic that happened over this weekend? Is the hope and love sustainable?
Integration is universally difficult, but it seems to be a special challenge for me. For years, I numbed fear and vulnerability by compartmentalizing my life. I learned how and what to become in order to meet people’s expectations. I learned how to switch modes, change course, and stuff experiences.
A huge part of my personal work is what I call Dianaism #1: Integrate. Don’t Alternate.
My work with Diana (my therapist) has been all about integration. How do I become one whole, authentic person? How do I weave all of my weird experiences and parts together? How do I weave the LoveBomb magic into my everyday life?
I’m home now and Ellen has strep throat. The Gap is all out of school uniform shirts in her size. Charlie is transitioning into a new class at his school and he’s acting out his anxiety (but he is poo-pooing on the potty). Steve is knee-deep in back-to-school exams. There’s a shit storm brewing in my neighborhood over a painful and divisive community issue.
Real life has been happening. But you know what? I’ve been doing OK with all of that. I’ve been weaving threads of authenticity and soulfulness through my wonderful, ordinary days.
But today, I’m afraid.
Several years ago, I quit my full-time tenure-track professorship in social work. I went into my professorship after spending six years in graduate school. I needed a break. I needed to learn more about myself. My dean was creative and generous enough to let me go part-time (which is very rare at universities) so I could continue teaching.
Last month, I accepted an offer to return to my full-time position. Today was the first day of a two-day faculty retreat and my first day back. It was a hard day. I’m overwhelmed. I’m afraid. I’m even a little sad.
I birthed a new me over the past four years. This morning I carefully put her in my imaginary Baby Bjorn and headed into my new/old job. I told Steve, “I’m taking her with me wherever I go. If it’s not safe for her, it’s not safe for me.”
Today felt more dangerous than I expected.
The politics of the academy are tough. I might create safe and nurturing spaces in my classes, but for the most part, it’s not an emotionally safe world. It’s contentious, competitive, and super-hierarchical. For the old me, it was a great place to hide from vulnerability and uncertainty. For the new me, it feels sharp and scary. I was shocked and disappointed to see how quickly I fell in line.
As I sat in the meeting, I thought about all of the painful work I’ve done to silence the tapes that say:
- Not good enough
- Artsy = flakey
- Creative = indulgent
- Social justice = scarcity
- Activism = rage
- Self-care = selfish
- Real writing = peer-reviewed, inaccessible, and academic
- Spiritual = close-minded
- Successful = sell out
Just when I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack, my cell phone vibrated. I looked down and saw Kelly Rae’s phone number. I couldn’t answer it, but it didn’t matter. She spoke to me and it was magic. Can you believe it? Magic right there in my faculty meeting. LoveBomb magic in the middle of a heated debate about the meaning of the word rigorous as it relates to research and scientific inquiry.
Kelly Rae wrote this amazing piece on her blog yesterday. She wrote about the importance of being brave in sadness and brave in love. When the phone vibrated and I saw her number, I thought, “Brené, be brave in your sadness. Be brave in your love.”
Truthfully, I’m sad because there’s a chapter in my life that’s closing. Returning to my full-time faculty position might be the best thing for me. It means more teaching (which I love with my whole and full heart) and a good home for my work. I’m just afraid that I don’t have the courage to stay authentic and soulful in a world where I only know how to be hard and definite. I’m giving myself one year to try it on. I hope I can be brave.
Four years ago, when I quit my job, I really believed, “If you can’t measure it, it doesn’t exist.” I didn’t use words like love, hope, grace, and gratitude. Today, four years and one breakdown spiritual awakening later, I believe, “If you can measure it, it’s probably not that important.” Today, I live for love, hope, grace, and gratitude.
I just hope I can be brave.
Brené Brown
;)
So here's what I did. I tucked your comments in my heart, put the courage coin that Tracey gave me in my pocket, and went back to work. This time, instead of seeing it as a big, overwhelming, inhospitable place, I did what I do best - I connected with the people who make me laugh and help me maintain perspective.
When people were being funky and I felt the urge to revert back to the old, hard-ass me, I said the serenity prayer (the work version):
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage stay out of judgment when people are being petty, and the wisdom to not kick anyone's ass on state property. Amen.
Thank you for the advice and inspiration. I love your comments. I read them all. Five hundred times.
Reader Comments (41)
I think you just said what many people are afraid to say. Thank you for giving those feelings a voice.
You talk about a place that is so scary and dangerous yet YOU bring the love, hope, grace and gratitude that it needs. No matter what you may think or see, you bring the light to this program. It is that safe and nurturing space in your classroom that teaches us to deal with the contentious, super-hierarchical, unemotionally safe world. You reach students because you teach the philosophies that you believe and we can see that. You ARE authentic. You allowed me to be brave, courageous, hopeful and loved in place were I felt darkness. Some may think that I am just a suck up for saying this but I can whole-heartedly say that your class changed my life forever.
I am so blessed to be taught about love, hope, grace, and gratitude.
Thank you for your courage. Thank you for being you!
I hope Charlie adjusts well and quickly - and continues his bathroom adventures! Getting the last one out of diapers is definitely a milestone. I'm winging a prayer Ellen's way for good health and all the right accessories to start off the school year.
Hang on to the magic you experienced last week. It was obviously strong stuff (I've enjoyed reading all the posts about it) and it will help to see you through. And hold on to the words of Megan - and know they are shared by many others - you are making a difference, sometimes where you don't even know it.
As far as the academic politics, I can't imagine what that would be like. I'm guessing that the more you are brave in all moments, your colleagues will feel your authenticity and integrity. Some will feel threatened. Some will model your courage...and by being your authentic self, they will feel freer to be theirs.
You bring not only your courage and authenticity, but in so doing, the possibility of change in that world.
YES!
yes! you are brave!
yes! it is difficult!
but you know what? i think these last 4 years, and especially magical moments like last week, prepared you for anything that is coming to you right now!
Just open your heart and do it from a place of love...
love love love...it conquers all and you my sweet friend, is magical! beyond! xx
Do not be afraid. Fear is nothing more than false experiences appearing real. You are brave. I felt it as I read your message. You are brave.
I didn't know how to integrate all of this too well, either. For the first two years, I felt like I was going to die every day that I went to work. Then I went away for three years and kept integrating. When I came back for a final year, I thought I was in a stronger place . . . only to have panic attacks and be dealing with depression for the first semester. Finally, finally, finally, I moved through it. My last semester there was my most fulfilling and personally rewarding as I learned to bring who I was to the students and offer the strength I uniquely had to offer . . . which really was my heart, more than the rigor of my mind. I learned how to be who I really was instead of what I thought I had to be.
But it wasn't easy. And I'm sorry you're facing your own experience of this (though you have the PHD and a very fine mind!). It sounds really scary and hard. But I do love that some of your students have popped in to share their perspective of learning with you. You sound like an amazing teacher. And we already know you're an amazing human being. You go, girl. Be brave.
Magic
Phil
Australia
I'm paraphrasing, but I know I read in either your book or here on your blog that courage is living from your heart. You know who you are and what's important in your heart. If you live from there, you will be authentic and integrated no matter where you are.
But if you're scared too, I must be in good company.
And the self talk, we're hard on ourselves, aren't we? Thanks for sharing, you make me think.
I just have to say, your words always inspire. I am in awe of your honesty. Thank you for this healthy dose of reality.
Probably there are other faculty members where you work who are trapped by the soul-crushing tendency to please. Probably some of them are on the cusp of their own breakdown, er, spiritual awakening. Probably watching you struggle to remove yourself from your ratrace will help them remove themselves from theirs. Because someone who has become free -- well, you can spot them from a mile away. Oh yes you can.
No, I've not taken time off from my career in academic surgery. But I have spent the last 6 months struggling with the demands on my time and on my soul- and how to keep ME in tact in the face of all of that.
I can't say I've got any brilliant answers. But it's nice to know when we're not alone in these struggles and when we're all brave enough to confess them....
yes you.
so right on.
gosh, how i admire honesty.
talk about being brave.
i fully believe in you.
all parts.
love to you
jen gray
I can't imagine what its like to sit through faculty meetings at the GCSW (nor do I even want to imagine...); but, having had you in class, I, for one, am thrilled that you are full-time faculty--what a huge boon to the GCSW! (They need more like you). In my experience, your wonderfully creative, sincere, intelligent, well-researched and thought-provoking contributions to the faculty are rich and unique, and reach many, many of my fellow students and colleagues. It is an irreplaceable experience for a student to learn from a professor who embodies and lives the ideals they teach, including the humility to admit one's humanity. Thank you for taking the risk, I am sure much good will come from it both for you and your students at the GCSW.
We all struggle to be authentic, no matter the arena. It is HARD. But we are aware of the struggles and the goals. My mother and grandmother had limited awareness of their struggles. It was too scary. So our daughters and granddaughters will have an easier time because of our efforts.
We can change the world by being. BEING. Hang in there.
sending all my love. xo
I try to remember that I am a person who thrives on ideas and possibilities, and I am convinced that it doesn't have to be the way that it seems to be all over the country. The whole system seems to be set up based on scarcity (jobs, money, power) instead of abundance (learning, creating, problem solving).
I try hard to remember that I am not in this for what I can get but what I can create, and that does seem to help a little. I wish you luck as your find your new way with your new career. After all, that is really what it is!
I look forward to reading more about how it goes.
I am stunned. I have just made the decision to take a year out of my life plans to level out a bit. Compartmentalisation is a huge problem for me.
I am so grateful to have found someone writing about it. Thank you. I'm going be reading from now on.
big love bombs coming your way..
Thank you for posting your truth and giving me a soft place to rest, if only for a few minutes.
from - A new "biggest fan"
that i would be good. that she would be accepted. thank you.
be well. deep peace to you.
that i would be good. that she would be accepted. thank you.
be well. deep peace to you.