like mother, like superhero

In January, Ellen and I ran into Nordstrom so I could pick up some make-up. While we were there, we decided to check out the sale in the children’s shoe department. I had on my workout clothes and was looking pretty ragged. When we got to the shoe department, there were three moms picking out shoes while their young daughters tried on boots and sneakers. These women were stunning and their daughters were equally beautiful.

As I tried to stay out of the swampland of comparison, I saw a strange blur of jerky movement out of the corner of my eye. It was Ellen. They were playing a pop song in the neighboring children's department and Ellen was dancing. Or, to be more specific, she was doing the robot.

At the very moment that Ellen looked up and saw me watching her, I saw the magnificent moms and their matching daughters staring right at Ellen. They looked horrified. Ellen froze. Still bent over with her arms in rigid formation, she looked up at me with these eyes that said, “What do I do, Mom?”  

I remember thinking, “Break the cycle! Be on her side.”

I grew up with a suffocating fear of not being cool enough and not belonging. I grew up with a gut-wrenching fear of this moment. My default would be to shoot a look at Ellen that said, “Don’t be so uncool.”

I glanced up at the mothers, then I looked at Ellen. I reached down into my courage, as far as I go, and I smiled. “You need to add the scarecrow to your moves.”  I let my wrist and hand dangle from my extended arm, then I pretended to bat my forearm around. Ellen and I stood in the middle of the shoe department and practiced our moves until the song was over.

Back-to-school is always emotional around our house. Today was Ellen’s first day of class and my first day of class. This morning, she walked up to me in the kitchen and looked at me with those same eyes. The eyes that say, “No matter what happens, I believe what you tell me about myself. Can you put your own fears away long enough to make me feel safe? Can you tell me I belong here – no matter what?”

She said, “I’m scared. Are you scared?”  I said yes. Then, I went into my bedroom and got my incredible superhero necklaces. I put one on her and the other on me. I told her, “My friend Andrea says that we are our own superheros. I believe her. Let’s practice that today.”

I was able to snap a picture of Ellen in her superhero necklace, but I had to get in my car to get a picture of my necklace (talking about goofy).

We both did OK today. We’re both tired and emotionally exhausted, but we have just enough energy left to bust-a-move.

Comments

[Chookooloonks]

You guys are total superheros. :-)

[kelly rae]

oh brene. i am done and cooked to heaven with this story..

[Shalet]

You go girls!

[melanie]

what rockstars!
keep getting your groove on.

i love the robot. :) (do it often myself)

xo

[Wanda]

I would have loved to have my mom dance with me in Nordstrom. Love this powerful post.

[Chris]

You are THE perfect Super Heroes. And very cute ones, too!

[Christiane]

I know the look your daughter got from the "gorgeous mums" so well. I also know the feeling of inediquacy it evokes in those who are looked at. I think I've done both: I looked and was looked at in this way. Both leaves a terribly hollow feeling inside. Thanks for sharing a way out.

[Jo]

This is a wonderful story. And I wear my Superhero pendant for both me and my daughter. She loves it.
Your daughter's eyes are full of love - spectacular.

[Renae C]

Glad both of you had good first days. I didn't send her off with a "superhero" necklace, but I sat with Courtney Sunday night for a long time before she drifted off to sleep. Fourth grade is a big transition year at her school and she was very nervous. It's hard not to let our own nervousness and fear take over when we see our kids face the very things that pierced us to the core when we were their ages. I will remember "break the cycle - be on her side". I need to do that more often.

[Michelle]

I have a quote in my foyer and part of it reads: "if your childs behavior is embarrassing, it has to do with your ego, not theirs." On my best days, I remember this.

If my daughter and I were in Nordstrom's for shoes and ran into "the mother's who look like they stepped out of a Talbot's catalog, it would be the day I had my Converse on and favorite worn out jeans. Never failed!

Sounds like you had a "best day."

[Lu]

This really touched my heart. I love the story and the pics. Wonderful.

[Amy]

That is such a sweet story, thank you for sharing with us. My mom would have definitely been the one dancing and I would have given her the eye! lol She's fearless! Your daughter will admire that about you, even if she doesn't become fearless herself.

[Jen A.]

As always...inspiring beyond measure.

Next time I'm in the kids shoe dept. at Nordstroms I'm gonna lead my kids in the "sprinkler" dance...

[Krista]

....just got to say, I get so EXCITED when I see a new post! What a great story.
....I LOVE those necklaces! I'm craving the bulls-eye pendant you let Ellen wear (because it actually tells me I'm a SUPERHERO on the back)
.... good words: the 'swampland of comparison'. found myself doing that today when I saw all the 'fabulous' mom's during the drop-off this morning.....thanks for the reminder, it IS a swampland. i'd rather bust a move then just be plain fabulous anyday!

Hope you both have a good first week of classes! ;)

[Suz]

I'm reading this at work and tearing up and trying to hide that fact!!! You are a wonderful mother!!!! God Bless You (and what a sweet little girl!!)

[annie]

Hooray for you both! In my mental definition of cool, funky dance moves trump almost anything. Superheroes, unite!

[Sherry]

Thanks for sharing your story. I think it was the perfect thing to do, but how do you think so fast? I would have the knee-jerk reaction & not be able to come up with the dance moves quick enough to let my kid know that it was ok...

[Krista]

btw...Scar by Missy Higgins

[Monica]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!!!! I LOVE this! Sometimes I wish my mind would slow down in moments like this ...enough to disable the default switch. Mostly I just do the default. Not so good. I want the courage switch. Love the superhero necklace thing too. I don't know that I'd trust my 9 year old to come home with it still in once piece. Ha!!

[Isle Dance]

So beautiful to experience all of that!

[amanda]

love love love this!! Way to go GREAT mom! I am so impressed with the scarecrow moves-really well done. I will bet money that the "perfectly groomed" wanted to be a part of your and Ellen's fun too. The superhero necklace wearing = brilliant. I love it that you wore them together and were real with each other (and us) about how you felt. Thanks again for sharing your authenticity.

woo hoo!!

[Lauren]

You rock....Superheros unite!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Amalia]

I joke about the polarfleece blanket that I keep in my office being my "superhero cape" (my office is always cold so I'm almost always sitting under it when I have office time).
But I'm thinking that I need a superhero necklace- or something along those lines. I feel a shopping urge coming on.

[Ms. Ellaneous]

Thanks for the post. I'm currently worrying about the coolness factor as my oldest enters high school. Trying to find my courage tonight and tomorrow morning. Thanks for the inspiration.

[Kelly V]

It seems to me that being brave is just part of who you are. Thank you for sharing. I have just received my copy of your book, 'I thought it was just me,' and I can feel your courage and just how brave you are through your words in the book and on your blog. Your beautiful girl will learn so much from her beautiful mom; I only hope I can teach my son the same lessons. He would totally love a superhero necklace!
Kelly

[Farrah Braniff]

awesome, way to think on the fly! Next time we have lunch at Nordstroms, we need to break out some Mr. Roboto or cabbage patch on the escalator! LOL!

[Krystyn]

When in doubt... do the robot. :)

[Stacey D]

I love hearing how you talk with Ellen. I admire the openess and honesty. I too would have worried about what the other mothers were thinking, and I may have responded to my daughter out of my shame. I think it is great how you quickly thought about it and responded differently! My husband is GREAT about having fun and not worrying about what others think. He would have started dancing with her too. Actually he would have probably been the first one dancing!

[phyllis]

you are truly one of my heroes. wow.

[Ali]

I just love you :).

[Andi Sexton (RrlScrapGal)]

Oh my.. What a great treasure to find you! (via Ali Edwards blog)....

I need a superhero necklace, and so does my daughter and my son...
Love this beautiful connection you have with your sweet lucky daughter!

[april]

You rock!! Love hearing great stories like this! Way to go Mom!

[Leslie]

Just discovered your great site (thanks Ali) and think you handled the shoe department situation PERFECTLY!!! I'll be checking your site again!

Leslie

[Yolanda]

What a great story - I love the idea that we are all superheroes. I so need a superhero necklace for my daughters and I. Will have to make sure we all get one soon! :)

[Karissa]

Gulp. Thank you! You're right.

[tara pollard pakosta]

AWW how sweet and what a great mom are you!
you are deserving of that necklace!
tara

[Lyndal]

I loved this story. Thank you for sharing it. You've given my a kick in the butt that I needed to remind me of my place in this world.
When I started reading I kind of knew that you were getting yourself into a situation and was thinking 'how embarrasing for you'. That was quickly replaced with wanting to stand and applaude your reaction. How lucky your little girl is to have someone like you in her corner.
Cheers, Lyndal

[emily ruth]

so so sweet...i love this post...the right thing to do is not easy but it's still the right thing:)

[Tiffany K.]

You and your daughter are both beautiful - on the outside but more importantly on the inside!!! Don't either of you forget that! :)

[amy]

what a beautiful, powerful story.

[American in Norway]

Wow...what a wonderful post. I hope when the times comes for me to NOT throw my daughter the "stop being so uncool" look I will remember your story. It was always so important for me to be cool..to fit in... not stand out... But I think it would have been way cooler to have a mom who Ithought I was cool anyway... & it was ok to be just me.

[Relyn]

I held my breath as I read your post. Then, felt like cheering. Ok, I did a little bit of cheering. Way to go, Mom!

What is it that can turn a happy, intelligent woman into a Jr. High student again? I knew exactly what you were feeling in the Nordstrom. How lucky your little Ellen is to have you. You can bet she knows it, too.

[FQJimmie]

Cool forum hope to pick up some tips here later, could be really interesting.

[BIG RED]

BRENE

ELLEN WILL NEVER FORGET THE MOMENT..............and neither will you.......

[KabSaicacex]

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<a href=http://www.ilhn.com/datos/saber/archives/000188.php>blondule</a> Very nice to meet you guys.

[Ana]

You are an AWSOME mom! Enjoyed reading! This is what memories are all about.

[Michelle Shopped]

THAT is an awesome story -- I think I might just have to do a little breakdance or rockin' hip shimmy the next time I'm in that situation...