silver linings

We’re back in our house and, as of late Friday, we have power! And, A/C, and clean underwear. We are tired, but we are together.

It’s too early and things are still too weird to “look back” on Ike, but I’m dying to process and write about what I’ve already learned. So here goes . . .

1. Stress, anxiety, and fear are the enemies of good parenting. At 3am on Saturday morning, Ike was in full force. Our trees were bent in half, our inside doors were shaking, and the rain was coming down sideways. Charlie, Ellen and I were huddled together on the floor in Charlie’s room. It was pitch black - no power and the windows were boarded. Steve was crawling through the hall because we could hear “too much” – something was open or broken. The outside was coming inside.

Charlie: I want chocolate milk.
Me: Charlie, we can’t leave your room right now. It’s not safe.
Charlie: I want milk NOW.
Me: Charlie, as soon as momma can get you something to drink, I will. We have to wait. STEVE . . . are you OK?
Charlie: I WANT MILK NOW!
Me (starting to cry and desperate to know what’s going on with Steve): Charlie PLEASE! Just wait one minute.
Charlie (screaming): I WANT CHOCOLATE MILK NOW!
Me: Charlie! Shut up. Please. I’m begging you. STEVE, where are you?

Total quiet – only the sound of Ike pulling up trees and knocking down fences. Then, the muffled sound of Ellen crying.

Me (totally in shock and feeling ashamed): Ellen, are you OK?
Ellen: I’ve never heard you say shut up. I’ve never heard you talk like that to us.
Me: I’m sorry. I’m sorry Charlie. I’m sorry for using such angry words. Momma is having a hard time. I’m really sorry.
Charlie: I have hard time too. I want chocolate milk.

Over the course of the next two days, there would be another parenting meltdown. This one was even worse and with Ellen.

Silver Linings: I am imperfect and that's OK. If there is one thing I know how to do, it's make mistakes and make amends.  Ellen and I had a very difficult and important relationship-changing talk.

Charlie is 3. His stress, anxiety and fear manifest as a desperate need for chocolate milk. I get that now. I'm learning.

Ellen is 9. Her stress, anxiety, and fear manifest as a serious need for calm and predictability. I get that now. I'm learning.

Ellen in San Antonio - nothing but blue skies!

Charlie at Grammy's house in the hill country.

2. Community is essential to good living. If you drive through Houston right now, you’ll see extension cords running across streets, front yards, and driveways. If you drive through at dinnertime you’ll see 20 adults and 50 kids gathered around grills that have been pulled into front yards for block parties. People are cooking for each other, doing laundry for neighbors, and splitting childcare. Friends are sharing houses and resources. Kids are outside playing kick the can during the day and flashlight tag at night. I’m not romanticizing it, but something real and amazing is happening around this city. At church yesterday, there was relief about power restoration and gratitude about the family and neighbor time we so often ignore. Every time I popped in and out of conversations, I kept hearing the phrase, “so many silver linings.”

I also have to say that the city of Houston has done an amazing job managing evacuations and recovery. Bill White, our mayor, has shown exceptional leadership and the entire state has stepped up – Texas style. There’s been a lot of help from outside the state as well. The electricity crew that restored our electricity is from Missouri. The folks working in my mom’s neighborhood today is from Pennsylvania.

When I was driving to San Antonio on Sunday night, I was overwhelmed by what I saw. First, a convoy of 40 ambulances – full lights – heading toward Houston. Thirty minutes later, a convoy of 30 grocery trucks heading to Houston. Then, a convoy of charter buses, then a convoy of humvees. It was so surreal that my first thought was, “Where are they going??? It must be bad.” Then, I remembered, “They’re going to the city I love.”

In San Antonio, I got to spend time with my dad, his wife, my sister, my niece, and my in-laws (my mother-in-law is more like a fairy godmother, really). Ellen got strep throat and was down for a few days, but we managed to have some much needed fun.

Silver Linings: People are good, kind and generous. There are exceptions, but they are exceptions. Letting people help you is hard, but important. Asking people to help you is even harder, but more important. 

Saw this on an old pick-up in our neighborhood. Love it!

3. It’s time for a new normal. I’m not interested in “getting back to normal.” Yes, I want electricity and internet access and hot water. But, I’m not the least bit anxious to return to the grind. I’m going to slow down. I cried in the car after dropping Charlie off this morning. I’m going to miss being with my kids all day and not having to answer emails or take cell phone calls. I love my work, but I want to spend more time sitting in the driveway with my neighbors and watching the kids dig up rollie-pollies. Ike gave me a reason to say no. Now, I’m going to gather my own hurricane-force courage and give it a shot myself.

Silver Lining: Doing one thing at a time rocks. Going slow is wonderful. Saying no makes my heart sing.

Ellen and Amaya (my niece) playing at my dad's.

Charlie at sunset. 

I'm getting better at spotting the silver lining, but I've got a lot to learn! What silver linings are surrounding your storm clouds these days?

Comments

[Carmen]

This is the third time in three days the term "silver lining" has crossed my path. It's high time I start looking for it and recognizing it. Thank you for the reminder.

[Andi Sexton (RrlScrapGal)]

What a beautiful post... Gosh.. When my dad died in 1990, life became very real. I said no a lot. Relationships became real. Then, life goes on. Years pass. I have floated in and out of too many things to do, drudgery, anger, regrets, wondering 'how the heck did I end up here?' and things like that.

My silver linings? My husband went away for the weekend - for work. It was time well spent, I with the kids, he away from us all. So good to have a real and fun conversation with him when he returned - and being grateful for him, as apposed to being a 'we need to get x y and z done' Type of Type A wife and Type A husband. It was nice to have a cute boyfriend again. Hope it lasts. Hope we can appreciate each other for a while before the rut sneaks up on us again.

I love the line 'make mistakes and make amends'. I must borrow it..

[Stacey D]

My silver lining seems to also be what was driving me crazy a few weeks ago... being a mom. I was feeling like I had become 'just a mom.' When in reality I have so much to offer my girls.

The reptition of doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, going to the grocery store, and running errands can drive any one crazy. I am learning that these things will continue to need to be done. If I focus only on them and trying to cross one more thing off my to-do list, then I am completely missing out on living in the moment. It is during these times that I feel like my kids are in the way as I go about 'getting things done.'

We are here in Houston and have had our 'routine' come to a screeching halt with Ike. In the craziness of this last week, I could have completely lost it and allowed my self to be overcome with cabin-fever. But in this time at home is my silver lining... I shifted my focus when it came to my time with the girls.

When not thinking about the task but the moment, I enjoyed each day and cherished special moments as well as became more patient and the mom I enjoy being.

Now it is just remembering this each day when the craziness tries to creep back in.

[Chookooloonks]

Welcome back, friend. Glad you guys are all safe and sound and in one peace.

Let's decompress together sometime soon, shall we?

K.

[ELK]

your post gave me goose bumps ~ thank you!

[Monica]

Beautiful, beautiful, post. Loved it. I just came back from a drive to the big city. 2 hours in the van with my mom. We talked about the areas in which I was feeling stress, resentment, frustration. And we talked about me needing to say 'no'. I like the be hero, ya' know. Do it all, receive all the praise. I don't even get that I have the option to say no. And that's my silver lining ... when we started chatting about all these stressful things that I actually had a choice about (that I hadn't considered) participating in. Heaven ... yes ... saying no makes my heart sing too. I can hardly wait to say no ... many other people do .. why can't I?? That's my silver lining ... if I hadn't had the stress, resentment, frustration, I wouldn't have opportunity to practice saying no. Woot! Woot!!! Love that!!

I'm so glad that you are safe and that your neighbourhood is pulling together like that ... and that you're seeing the silver lining. That is something to celebrate!!

[Lu]

this is a wonderful post. full of wisdom.

[kelly rae]

brene, i've been thinking about you SO MUCH.
and of course you pull only beautiful gems from such a hard time. that's you. and it's why i dig you.
:)
xo

[Joan]

"Doing one thing at a time rocks" -- I figured that out, but I go back to my multi-tasking behavior so easily! Thank you for the reminder! I always say I miss the "good stuff" when I multi-task. It takes the joy out of everything, from the mundane to the exciting. Being present is really what it is all about. Wonderful post about learning what your children need to be safe. That is not imperfect parenting at all! In fact, learning and acknowledging is really being present to your children. Bravo to you, Brene.
joan

[lori]

A sweet friend of mine sent me a link to your blog today because I am incredibly overwhelmed. She and I count our God hugs when we get stressed, but I think today I really do need to look at my silver linings.

Storm Cloud #1-my husband is starting a new position at work which means his schedule and thus the families is up in the air.

Silver lining-My husband has a job that he loves. His new schedule will mean more time during the day for the two of us to be together.

Storm Cloud #2-my son is being tested for Asperger Syndrome and I'm struggling in dealing with the teacher and his homework load

Silver lining-There is SOMETHING that can be done when we get all the testing taken care of. Finding that the other 3 kids were God's blessing not only to us, but to our son who struggles in social situations. He's got a built in social life.

Storm cloud #3-Grandma is in the hospital with cancer.

Silver lining-I know how much she loves me and our children. There is not one person I know that has anything bad to say about her. When she's ready to leave, she leaves an incredible, God-fearing legacy behind her.

Storm cloud #4-I have two weeks to clean all the bedrooms and living room, pack them up, and put everything on the porch so that the landlord can put in new carpet.

Silver lining-I'm getting new carpet that I don't have to pay for and I have a good excuse to truly simplify our posessions.

Storm cloud #5-I can't find a babysitter for our 4 kids so that my husband and I can attend a bible study together.

Silver lining-This is a chance to meet some new people who will love my kids.

There are more, but I won't bore you with the details. Thanks for the inspiration.

[Dee Dee]

I am in some deep power/no power bitterness here on Day 10. I actually had to avoid a friend at work today because she had a "normal weekend" manicure and pedicure on display. Day 7/Friday was my (hopefully) personal low when I told Eleanor to "stop being a smart ass" and "no speaking for 5 minutes!" all within an hour. (in line with Ellen never hearing you say shut up; I don't even think my girl knows what smart ass means!) We cried together that night and talked about how nice it will be to cry as loud as we want in our own house so we don't have to cry quietly since we're at Jeff's and trying not to leave too big of a family footprint on this sweet, generous friend when Dad is snoring and keeping us awake when we are so tired....whew - did I need that off of my chest, or more aptly, out of my heart?!

I am so full of silver linings on this thing but really need to get to another side of it (the powered side) to put them all down. I try to note and speak them as they happen, partly to remember and partly to keep myself and my family thinking about the positive possibilities in every day. Just one of many jumps to mind because my mother-in-law and I laughed so hard about it: Back in regular, crazy life, I apparently double-booked Saturday afternoon with haircuts AND dog obedience class and was IKE-BLESSED by the dog place still being without power and the hair place having power!! On Day 8, I was damned happy it was hair and not "heel" that Ike chose for us. Too bad that didn't quite get me over the manicure-envy hump!

My silver linings will be much about accepting help while seeing myself as a helper, doing things as best I can when I don't know (&$#($* about whatever task I am undertaking, like how much it should cost to get a tree removed, mourning trees that I don't guess I fully appreciated before they were hideously uprooted all around me and getting to choose new trees...it's the ongoing quest for balance with doing and being, knowing and not knowing, getting knocked down and figuring out how to get up and move forward. I am more grateful than ever for old and new friends, and near and far family. Thanks, Ike, for reminding me that no place or thing is as important as who I am and who I share my life with.

[Glad Doggett]

Your post is so lovely. Yes ... I can relate to parenting meltdowns. We all have them. My siliver lining this week -- I am leaving a job, don't see any prospects in sight and I"m scared. But, my husband is supportive and loving, and giving me a soft place to rest while I heal.

[andrea]

So glad you are back Brene.. and full of wise bits as always.

I love the question...
My recent storm was the panic attacks I had for three days straight before teaching for the first time. The silver lining is that I know I can kick some serious ASS even on no sleep and jittery nerves,
and also that I don't have to say yes to the deep end the first time I wade in the water.

xo
a

[Whitney Johnson]

I just read what you had written about 'ordinary courage'. Found you through the Happy Living blog. Lovely post.

[jen lemen]

here's a silver lining for you:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jenlemen/2873573066/

glad you're home and well.
your kids will probably need to play "hurricane" for a while now with lots of breaks for chocolate milk. :)
i've been there. you sound great.

[krista]

so glad you are back, safe, and kickin' ass 'doing one thing at a time'! :)
silver lining this week? my health. which enabled me to go for a a much needed long run. where i was reminded that the world doesn't revolve around me or my decisions. that even if i make the 'biggest' mistake of my life.....the world will continue to spin and everyone will be okay.
that realization/reminder was a LIFESAVER this weekend!

[farrah Braniff]

Hi friend-

ditto on the not so shining parenting moments. Ike seems to bring out our worst and our best. I guess most adversity is like that- makes the fear bubble up. I know your feeling from this morning. That is exactly how I felt when i got back from France. Hang in there.

Farrah

[Pamela]

Brene, I am so glad that you and your family are safe.

There simply aren't words to express how much I look up to you and your ability to 1) make it through any situation; and 2) make that same situation a learning experience. Thank you for challenging us to do the same. I don't have children, but am always able to find some gem in your words to carry into my own life. Your children are simply beautiful!

[Bridge]

thanks for the post. i am imperfect, i keep telling myself that and hopefully I will accept it someday.

[Wanda]

Sooo glad you are all home and safe. Your courage continues to inspire me.

[Jenn Hains]

Thanks for sharing about anxiety, fear, and stress and how they manifest in each of us. You are so real and it helps give me courage to do the same - just for today. The photos of your children laughing and playing are divinely inspired. That IS the silver lining today.

[deb]

I don't think your response to your children during the hurricane was bad parenting. I thought you were amazingly calm. If it had been me I would have been yelling and crying.

As for silver linings. I'm leaving my husband in a week, that has given us the freedom to open up to each other like never before in twenty-one years. Who knew?

[B.]

In a strange way it was comforting to me to read in the paper this morning that Mayor White lost his cool and blew up his frustration at some folks. That makes my (thankfully smaller) blowup at my husband take better perspective. At least mine wasn't in the Chronicle!

I'm like Ellen. I need more external order and calm consistency than our hometown can provide right now.

Silver lining: appreciating the good life I really do have, in spite of health, money, and other concerns.

[carlotta]

Thank you again for being so brave and putting your authentic story out there to encourage others (me). My family definitely did not experience the worst of the hurricane here in Sugar Land, TX. I am so thankful. My silver lining during the aftermath of the hurricane was a 'best day'. It was before our power was restored. My boys (4 and 10 months) and I walked to the park TWICE in one day. With the beautiful weather, it was amazing. I could literally feel my skin soaking up the rays of the sun. With no power, I was completely unplugged. I couldn't even talk on my cell phone very much because the charge didn't seem to last very long. No computer, no schedule, no big deal dinner plans, just outside time with my boys. I felt so peaceful. It was great. It was a good reminder that I need to look at some of the old behaviors that I've slipped into again since returning back to work.

Since I've started reading your blog, I have been very mindful about saying I'm sorry to my son, Clark, when I've wigged out with my parenting. It feels like it breaks a cycle for us, the cycle of what could be permanent damage. I've started thinking about the difference it will make for my boys development to realize very early on that their parents are not perfect, invincible, all-knowing, all powerful, up on some pedestal - to reach that earlier, how helpful that will be.

A good 'silver lining' movie, if you want some move therapy, is Signs, 2002. One of my favorites.

Thank you Brene! You're incredible and your children are blessed.
C

[Stacy (mama-om)]

Hello,
I am a new reader... Thank you for sharing what you've learned through this recent hardship and change.

I wanted to say that I have snapped at my children under much less stressful situations. I try to take heart in my awareness of it, if not in time to stop myself, then at least during or after. I sincerely apologize, and I do a lot of practice around staying centered and calm and kind (meditating, breathing, etc.) so that I am able to maintain the loving connection I know I want.

We are imperfect. We learn. We love, our hearts open, and our skills grow.

Many blessings,
Stacy

[AVCZ]

Cloud... we are still without power and have all blown up at eachother at my house. The neighborhood seems to be moving past the grilling out stage into a kind of desperate-please let this be over soon phase.

Lining... I think you can only push so hard for so long before you either break or hit this point of surrender where you accept your limitations and fall on grace a bit. That is not a bad place to be.

[Megan]

I find it so interesting that you say that stress, fear and anxiety are the enemies of good parenting; My perspective is very different from your own. My husband and I have been very stressed, fearful and anxious over the past year (MAJOR lifestyle change) and it has been a heavy topic of discussion with he and I as to how to best parent while in the midst of all this. He believes as you do, that in order to be a good parent, there cannot or should not ever be a manifestation that things are not "normal" or "happy"--and I maintain that life, if it wasn't "this" stressful, fearful or anxious moment, would simply be a different one, and so stress, fear and anxiety are what we MUST teach our children to navigate, and the fact that we are ALL human means the only thing we have going for us, to get us ALL through it, is constant communication. I feel my kids need to see me being fearful and anxious, and successfully overcoming negative situations. My husband wants happiness at all cost. I have found that when I admit to my kids my fears, tell them that together we can work on solutions, their own anxiety will be lessened. My goal is not to be a "perfect" parent, my goal is to raise happy, well-adjusted, critically thinking kids, but the happy part to me is that they will grow up with an accurate representation of the realities of life. (ie: crap is inevitable but I am stronger than it is!) This means different things, of course to my teenagers than it does to your littler people.

Interesting discourse. Did you ask your kids if they learned anything through the parenting insight that you gained?

[Shalet]

Reading about your kids during the hurricane made me laugh and brought tears to my eyes. My kids would be exactly the same way. I'm loving your silver linings - wonderful, wonderful post!

[linni]

I can see how you are breathing easier with the sun shining on your beautiful face..and with pointing out the silver linings...you are clearing up the Ike in your mind.

Happy and thankful that you are back safe xx

[carissa]

was so happy to know yall are safe!
i so enjoyed this post... your thoughts... that you shared.

i am sad to say some days i can not find a silver lining and i have told my child to shut up more than once! it eats me up just to admit that but it is true! i am so imperfect... and am learning that more with every day.
i think that's okay though... i am growing in the depth of it all!
for me right now... my silver lining is just knowing it IS there... even if in some moments I just can't see it!

[Eileen]

I would like to be entered in your contest for the book.

[Karen]

Thanks to Ali Edwards' blog, I recently discovered both you and Kelly Rae. I love your messages and find you an inspiration. Please enter me in the book giveaway contest.

[nadia]

chocolate milk is lucia's default too, and i had the not so shining moments as well. (actually one of them was over chocolate milk) she woke up in the middle of it and hugged steve all night through. she is talking about "scary rain," still. i learned so much about how we cope as a family...still learning.......always learning