gear. shift.

“ . . . my heart has lost its swing,
my legs have lost their sway.
My step has not a big of spring,
my hip has no hooray.
I feel old and all kerploppy –
I’m a walking junk parade.
My cheeks do not feel cheeky.
My red-letter day has grayed.”
From Sleepy Time Olie by Willam Joyce (one of our favorite Rolie Polie Olie books)

I've been in struggle. Life seems to be coming at me so quickly and with such force that my normal ducking and weaving isn’t working.

I hoped the holiday break would give me time to decompress from the most difficult semester of my 12-year teaching career. It didn't - the holidays were hard.

I hoped January would help me decompress from an exhausting and stressful holiday. It's not. January has also been hard.

Last Monday I told Steve, “I’m on the verge. Anxiety is creeping up on me. I can feel it. I have two huge deadlines looming and I’m wiped out before I even start.” He replied, “I know. I can see it. We can do this.”

By Tuesday night Steve had a high fever and was totally miserable. The fever turned out to be a vaccine-resistant flu (job hazard for a pediatrician). It was the sickest I’ve seen him in 20 years. The flu turned into pneumonia.

I dug deep and powered through the week. I screamed and yelled too much. I had to cancel two speaking engagements (and no matter how easy it is to make the decision, the call is always hard). The low point came when Charlie and Ellen were watching TV an hour past their bedtimes and I was in the kitchen crying and eating all of the leftover chicken nuggets off their plates. It was like a bad Lifetime movie.

149 unanswered emails stacked up (not kidding). I spent a lot of time berating myself for not being able to single-parent it through one tiny week and being a shitty nurse to Steve. It sucked.

Sunday morning Steve felt good enough to go for a walk to the park. The four of us spent two hours playing and laughing and holding hands. I felt whole for the first time in months.

When we got home Ellen said, “That was so great. We needed that, right?” I squeezed her tight. She smiled and said, “We’re like Charlie’s gear magnets on the fridge. When one of us isn’t turning right, the whole thing stops working.”

She’s so right. Gears are a great metaphor for life. Like our family, my life is a set of gears. I have so many pieces that need to turn together - family, friends, work, rest, exercise, creativity, food, spirit, gratitude, writing and play just to name a few. It so easy for me to think that I can ignore one or two while I focus on the others. I forget that when one stops turning, they all come to a grinding halt.

Recently, I've been dealing with the gridlock by trying to force them to turn instead of trying to figure out which one I’m ignoring.

I need a “gear shift.” I need to shift my thinking and stop pretending that any of these essential gears are optional. These are my big grinders: exercise, sleep, spirit, gratitude and creativity.

Too often I think I can ignore these because there are other pressing demands. Like most women, I’ve been socialized to believe that putting these gears first is selfish and uncaring. But the truth is that I can’t do anything for anyone at any time if these gears aren’t turning.

I’m going to work hard to make this shift in my head, heart, and soul. I think my authenticity depends on it.

Anyone else needing a gear shift? What are your grinders?

Comments

[dawnfh]

What a great metaphor. You have one wise little girl on your hands.
Sorry things are crazy in so many ways. Glad he is feeling better and your day in the park sounds great.
I think that a clean kitchen and clean living room can sometimes really make or break my day. But it is strange that sometimes the dirty house, just looks really lived in, but if I am stressed at work, have a paper due, or feel awful, the dirt can just send me over the edge. I hate the edge and I hate when I jump.

[Lucy]

I really needed to read that, Brene. Thank you. I'm sorry you had such a horrible sounding week. I can't work out which gear isn't working for me at the moment. But I least I know I'm not going crazy trying to look for it.

[Melissa LaFavers]

Really appreciate your post. I relate, though my difficulties are different.

One thing stood out to me. You said, "But the truth is that I can’t do anything for anyone at any time if these gears aren’t turning."

So often, we women use this idea to justify taking care of ourselves, as if the only reason to take care of me is because it enables me to take care of another.

And while it is good, so good, to be compassionate and responsible and to take good care of others, it's also really important to honor yourself and do for yourself just because you matter. No justifications.

Just wanted to post that reminder.

My own grinders? Well, the biggest one is guilt mixed with inferiority. Daily struggle. Getting wrapped up in how I'm "not enough" of whatever can totally grind my own gears to a screeching (literally, sometimes!) halt.

[Diane]

That poem is exactly how I feel today. Much like you I had hoped that the Christmas break would help me unwind form the most stressful year of my life. However that didn't happen due to an extraordinary amount of stress, travel and illness. Now I don't feel any better then I did at the end of last year.

So I really needed your post. Thank you. I'm not sure what my big grinders are but the fact I'm fighting three illnesses at the moment is starting to make me think my health is a big one. I can't ignore what my body is saying and continue to push through.

[Ivette Rosinski]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Since November my frustrations and anxieties etc have been building and building. My analogy is that my brain is a parking garage that is full and nothing else can enter until a few cars leave.

My "grinders" are very much like yours - and like you, it is so very hard to put ourselves first in order to be good with our surrounding world. Not sure if I'm making sense, but your post, like your site, strike a chord deep within.

Thank you again.

[Veronique]

What a great love Thursday Post. I so so so so hear you friend. Greatful that you are you, and feel very blessed to count you as a friend.

Maybe friendship is part of what serves to make the gears run smoothly, as the grease that helps to keep them running smoothly.
Fondly,
Veronique

[Kelly]

Hi Brene,
It is always such a comfort to know that others feel the emotions, stresses, bloody great messes that I feel. Though I am in my early forties I am new to all of this and feel somewhat naive and out of touch. I don't honestly know what my gears are though I expect they are similar to those you described. I also am really struggling with my own definition of authenticity. What does it mean for me? (I am reading your book!) I have a hunch that I will recognize my gears when I figure out my what it means for me to be living authentically. All I know right now is that I am hiding behind sleep and food and I feel like I am really missing out on my little boy's early years. Is recognizing all of this part of the battle?
Kelly

[Lee-Ann]

*exhale* thanks :) and also 'yes' Melissa.

[Leslie]

Ah, this post could not have come at a better time. My husband found out today that he is losing his job. While we knew it was a possibility, the reality of it has sent us both into a tailspin. Deep down, I know we'll be alright -- but on the surface it is scary. Ellen's gear analogy is perfect. My little family is solid, and while the gears may be jammed, I know we can help each other become unstuck during this sure-to-be-difficult time. I like what you said about not forcing things, either. I need to show my hubby your words so he can can ponder the idea.

Thanks, as always, for your wise perspective.

[The Other Laura]

I am pretty good at just cranking harder and forcing my gears to grind for a while but then something small like tripping and falling, or breaking a cup, or an angry eight year old, or my husband being late when I thought he'd be early sends me screeching over the edge.

I have been using "there is time enough" as an affirmation and it has really helped me slow down and take care of my various gear needs.

[AVZC]

What a hard couple of months. I totally get the screaming and the nuggets- I hate being in that place. Feel free to delete the email I just sent you :) 1 down .. 148 to go. Glad you were able to relax at the park. Kirk got the flu too- no mother of the year awards headed my way anytime soon. I think those seasons that are way harder than we can possibly handle are the only reason we ever feel the need to surrender- at least that is how it seems to work for me. It doesn't make the suckage any better though.
I guess my gears are- sleep, quiet time alone, nature, connection with close friends, and reading (real books, not surfing the web).
Take care of yourself sweet friend. I heartily reccomend the Ruah center for some local R&R. (I should totally take my own advice- I haven't been in a year!)

[Deb Jones]

Thank you. I needed to hear someone else say that. The poem in great and so is what you wrote. I can relate. I don't have as many balls in the air due to lots of health problems but what few I do have been putting me on the edge. I ned to find the gear(s) that isn't working and get it going again.
I hope that your week and Steve's goes better and you can find more of those times in the park.

[marcy]

thank you for sharing your truth and your process, it is the sharing that helps us calm our gremlins, take a deep breath and smile...like all the above I can so relate.

[Emily Perry]

Gear shift is right- my son is going through some 2 1/2 year old growing pains, and it has thrown us all off course. I need to shift some things around and change gears too! Thanks for the post. Jan is always hard for me.

[Kelly]

so needed to read this tonight.

[Jena Strong]

"My authenticity depends on it."

This spoke to me. And I love the image of the big gears - whichever they may be. Thank you for this post - I appreciated reading it, and was also taken by the parallels with the very stuff I've been writing about tonight.

Jena

[Pamela]

Absolutely beautiful post as always, Brene! So much to think about, and your little girl is obviously very bright! No matter how you struggle, you still have so much to be proud of. Hugs! I hope things get better for you.

[Amalia]

Am I a bad person if I admit that I laughed about sitting in the kitchen crying while you ate the last of the chicken nuggets?
I've been in such a similar place. It resonated. It made me laugh about a night that I was driving home from work, still on call, crying because I couldn't even make it to the grocery store to get food for my cats. Being "successful" in a high-powered career but feeling unable to even provide for the cats is not a good place to end up.....foortunately they are blissfully forgiving, even when I feel like a complete failure and wonder if I would be able to take care of anything more demanding.

I've been learning lately to make myself back up and think four words- and only four words. Love more, fear less. I've realized that when I do my very, very best to replace fear with love that I don't act out and manifest that shame and insecurity. Most importantly, it puts me in a place where I can accept kindness from others- which is often what I need the most when I'm having to remind myself to love more and fear less.

[Jennifer]

As women, it's very difficult not to shame our own distress -- b/c, of course, we're supposed to be able to DO IT ALL. If we can avoid shaming our own distress, however, we tend to move through the distress more quickly. These means not judging so harshly our own limitations. Shame has a way of binding and perpetuating whatever emotion it's tied to, be it fear, anger, distress, etc.

[Brené Brown]

really important point melissa. thank you.

[Sandy]

Thank you. I know that I have said that a million times after reading your posts, but thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this analogy. Maybe when I feel the way that I have been feeling lately, I need to reassess my gears.

[Bonnie]

Man that Ellen is Something. What a cool kid.

Exercise. Check!
Sleep. Check!
Good Nutrition. Check!
Staying in the here and now. Check!

Those are my big grinders - such a great metaphor. Thanks.

xox Bonnie

[Gretchen]

Made me cry. That's unusually. Maybe it's because I totally get it. Much more to say about that, but right now I have to feed my kid...time for reflection later...maybe!

[JoAnne]

What a meaningful post for me. The gears of our lives can grind or gllide. I find that balance between the healthy gears is hard to achieve...I always seem to overdue it in one area and neglect the others and then I wonder why I feel empty. Thank you for your wisdom and your honesty.

[Jen A.]

Been there. Done that. In fact...currently it's taking every single ounce of energy I have to make ANY of my gears turn...

Truthfull? I'm not really that motivated to shift any gears at all.

Dangerous place to be...but hopefully a temporary state. I am praying that I emerge better than ever when "this" (whatever "this" is) is all over.

I hope.

[Monica]

Brene, So true. Often, if I think I'm in a pretty good space and the gears are moving smoothly (at least it feels that way), I find myself looking over my shoulder thinking ... 'what am I missing ... when's it all going to freeze up?' For some reason, it often doesn't even seem *possible* that I could live a balanced life. Too many gears to oil. I don't know. It's a constant give and take. I find I go, go, go, holding my breath all the while, trying to get as far as I possibly can on an unhealthy path. I beat myself up for waiting until it all crashes in on me. Anyway, thanks for your post. They're always so good and so real. I always identify myself in them.

[krista]

so i was going to email you today, but thought i better not add to the 149 emails.
i was going to see if you (and your houston friends) want to join me in this.....

http://www.trekwomenstriathlonseries.com/

all women triathlon in austin. it is also my birthday that day....just sayin'. :)

song for you: Eagle-Eye Cherry, Dont Give Up (it's on my playlist)

[deb]

Money and bills are my grinders. Taking care of family members before myself. Taking care of everyone before myself and then getting angry because I'm tired and worn out.

Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone, that I need to take care of me, that I matter and that's it's okay to make myself happy.

[Anita]

Aren't kids insightful? They keep you real, as President Obama has shared.

Ok- the deal is, Doctor, you need to let off some steam. And take your own advice. You CAN'T be everything to everyone. Somethings gotta give (did you see this drama unfold on Ugly Betty this past few weeks? So true)

Seriously, you do need to take some time- too much stress causes relapses, problems, unhappy Mommies, and a tummy aches too many chicken nuggets:)

Do I need to send you those cards back as a reminder?????

My grinders are lack of money, sleep, single parenting it 24/7/365/ , currently my sore hip and trying to be a great girlfriend too.

No one has it all together. Even if they look like it, they have a cupboard door somewhere with all that stuff stashed that would fall out if it was opened.

Anita

Anita

[Anita]

well said DEB- you rock!

[pm]

".....my big grinders: exercise, sleep, spirit, gratitude and creativity."
I can so relate.....just add time alone and bills.

Anita is right about those who look like they have it together, but "they have a cupboard door somewhere with all that stuff stashed that would fall out if it was opened." It seems I'm surround by others who think I'm the one who has a perfect life. They look to me to solve their problems and always have a ready answer, fresh baked cookies and a smile. I am really just leaning on the cupboard door, being nice and smiling, of course. We're always reminding others to take care of themselves, but we feel so guilty taking our own advice. Guilt, BE GONE!!

[Erica]

I can totally relate to the "not being a good nurse" and all the other things you said in that paragraph. When one of the gears shuts down totally it is SO HARD to keep the others moving and especially hard to have what it takes to take care of the sick one...

Breathe... Thanks for writing with such clarity and honesty.

[Jules]

well put. the 32 comments before mine say all that i could say to you. thanks for putting our words (and thoughts) in print!
and yes, don't forget to breathe! don't just do something, sit there!

[farrah Braniff]

my gears are off too...I can't even put it into words today. All I can think of is the pile of work on my desk, my short day because of picking the kids up for karate, dinner after that and then more work til midnight probably trying to catch up. Oh and the kids need haircuts so bad that they can hardly see. The dog needs to go back to the vet AND also needs a haircut. I have to give bad news to someone and my brand new car is filled with sand. I am anxious about something else, oh, and one other something else now that I think about it. So, there you go...that's me today. Gears totally OFF.

doing my best to smile and breathe through it, Farrah

[ELK]

are you able to slow down in your work? I know that is not the total point of your post but it really seems to me that you are trying to do too much at this point in your life.

That is my 2 cents worth even though you did not ask....I really appreciate your honesty here in this space

[Jennifer New]

Love this post - especially the chicken nugget part. Why is that seeing other people at their lowest points, is funny but really really helpful. It tells us that we're not crazy when we're in a similar situation.

I've been trying to contact you via email to talk to you about a book I'm writing. If you get this, I'd really appreciate hearing from you. Many thanks.

[Jammie]

I recently found your blog, and feel compelled to say thank you. Your honesty is always a breath a fresh air, and your words a reminder of the wisdom I hold, but too often forget or hide. Thank you for sharing yourself.

[donna]

gear shift change...oh i remember so well when one of us in our family did not function well for a while and then we would go do something like a hike or go catch a fish and then all 4 of us were connected again. just love this gear shift change post.

wish i could go back in time and had your blog to keep me encouraged when i was raising my two boys - Tom is 21 and my eldest passed away 5 years ago. but i still get alot from your blog and Charlie and Ellen are amazing as you well know!

i eagerly await your next blog post!

[Jessica Hayman]

Do I need a gear shift? Uh, YEAH! I'm in the middle of this process too. I call it growing out my hair phase of my life!

I had open heart surgery on 9/22/08. 5cm aortic aneurysm, 8 hour surgery, 2 days in ICU. 6days in hospital weeks of recovery Sucked. They only reason it was caught was I actually made and kept a routine medical appt. How many of us have cancelled such appts saying "uh, don't you know who I am? I can't possibly take the time for this!! My client's, kids, co-workers NEED ME!" I told my kids the night before sugery, "my heart is not some aorta that needs to be repaired. It is not some valve that needs to be replaced. My heart is you!" Sure can't take care of those parts of my heart unless I'm taking care of my own gears!

[Lynne]

I just linked to your blog from Jen Gray's, and have been spending the past few hours reading... and feeling like I have finally found someone who truly understands. For the past year, I have been going through my own little mid-life crisis/evolution/breakdown... these past couple of months have been especially hard. I actually got to the point over the holidays where I just totally shut down.

Turned off my cell phone. And my email. And just let stuff pile up. It was a MAJOR shame inducer... but also so necessary, I think. I had been grinding to a halt in fits and starts... and really needed to just. plain. stop.

I now feel ready to begin to pick up the pieces. Your posts are giving me the courage and the comfort to do so in a kinder, gentler frame of mind. Thank you so much for that. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.