the kindness of strangers

In my last post I wrote about the stress of having to cancel co-leading a retreat when Steve got so sick. Even though it was an easy decision, it still pushed a couple of my shame buttons (Is she dependable? Is she flakey?). It was also disappointing. It was my first invitation to Laity Lodge and I was presenting with the amazing Jeanie Miley.

Yesterday I received the kindest card in the mail. It was a card wishing Steve a quick recovery and letting me know that I was missed at the retreat - it was signed by the retreat participants. I was so touched by the kindness and generosity of these strangers.

I also continue to be grateful for all of your comments. Professionally and personally, I know that sharing struggle is difficult because our culture often confuses vulnerability with weakness (I have an entire section in my book called "The Strength of Vulnerability").

When we want to be honest about our tender places, we often have to push past the tapes that say, “Don’t let them know you’re struggling! They’ll think less of you. They’ll feel sorry for you.” Those fears are confirmed when we get sympathy instead of empathy and judgment instead of compassion.

When I write about the dark places and the hard times, I’m so grateful when you respond by connecting with your own struggles and your own vulnerabilities. When I write about the joy and grace in my life, I’m inspired when you share your own moments of greatness with me. I’m also grateful when we can laugh together. That’s how compassionate communities are built (on-line or next door).

The opposite of vulnerability is not strength. Vulnerability is strength. And sometimes the kindness of strangers is exactly what you need to remember that you’re not alone.

Comments

[Amalia]

I don't know if you're familiar with the Radney Foster song of this title, but I suspect it would resonate with you musically and lyrically.

The chorus:
"...the kindness of strangers
The kisses of angels
And letting go even though
The heartache's all you trust
The quiet of cathedrals
The wings of eagles
To carry you some hope
Even though love's turned to rust
When you really need it
Cause your soul is bleeding
The kindness of strangers"


That unexpected love and kindness....sometimes it's everything we need at a given moment.

[Lu]

I could not agree more about vulnerability being strength. It is the ultimate in power when you can show vulnerability and not be ashamed of it.

[Deirdre]

so true.

I just received a very kind email about a post that I regretted posting and was debating taking down. It said more than I probably would have said in person to someone---but that is the gift of the keyboard, I guess, and I am so thankful to that stranger who heard what I was trying to say, however ineloquently.

To be seen is such a gift, and sometimes the ones who know us the least hear us the best.

Can't wait to receive your book this week!

[B.]

In theory I know that vulnerability and strength go together. But in practice I'm still struggling. On the outside my (our) life looks like things are good, maybe great. And on the inside I'm so scared about money, about keeping things just barely glued together and no change in sight in the future, even the distant future.

Money vulnerability has been hard to speak about. I have with my two best friends but it's such a taboo subject that even there it has been received faintly. Shame roars loudly.

I appreciate you bringing up the subject of vulnerability and inner conflict. It validates my own, oh so current, struggles. Thank you.

[Lee-Ann]

thank you.

[Marica]

Brene,
This post, again, is so very truthful...and i so appreciate that today. The Truth. It is what it is, and it is always what it needs to be.

After our boy died several weeks ago, so many people, unexpected people, came forward and reached out, and it was that that pulled us through. It was always what we needed it to be and exactly when we needed it the most.

Your posts are so truthful and are so always right on time, being what so many of us need the most. Thank you for always being so truthful.

[Trish]

Brene,

Just tonight, I was speaking with a lifetime friend and stated "I am uncomfortable showing my vulnerability". I'm terrific for helping people out and I'm challenged to letting people help me. I've long struggled with showing my vulnerable side and I'm always more compassionate with others and nurture their spirits. Mine not so much. I'm going to read The Strength of Vulnerability. Thanks for a great post.

I'm a fan,

Trish
patriciadolan@comcast.net

[pm]

Brene, your site is an amazing community of compassion. I learn from you, I learn from the authors of the books you recommend, I have enjoyed music I might never have heard if not for being mentioned on your site.

Tonight, while reading your post, I was immediately relating it to my own experiences. But then I read the reader's comments. Marica described her own experience with the unexpected kindness of strangers "After our boy died several weeks ago." Thinking about the meaning of your words from others' perspective is yet another learning experience. Marica, where ever you are tonight, I'm praying you are surrounded by love and compassion.

Thank you, Brene.

[andrea]

Beautifully said...

[Wanda]

Yes, one must be strong to be vulnerable. Thanks for the reminder. I hope Steve is feeling better...and you, too.

[kelly rae]

the lines are crossing over, my friend. come read/find me today :)
i'm right there with you on this sickness/shame/canceling this.
xxooo

[ELK]

those are my tapes too!!

[Heather]

Thank you for this post. This is something I've really been struggling with lately. I'm not always comfortable when it comes to intimacy, so letting people in can be scary. Lately, I decided to take a risk with the team of people I lead, letting them know some of the things that scare me and some of the ways that we have not been supportive of each other. I was more vulnerable with them than I'd ever been. It was pretty scary, 'cause it could have backfired and made me weaker in their eyes. In the end, though, they honoured and respected it and blessed me with their own vulnerability and we grew as a team. (I wrote about it in my blog post yesterday.)

[Felecia]

Sometimes the truest form of our souls is found when we reach out to others to support and be supported. We are never closer to divine when we give or receive grace. Awesome!

[Sara]

Hi Brene ... It's so nice to meet you. Just love your postings. I just finished reading your "Story" and I laughed ... often! Love it! Especially about the comment on blogging about your kids ... I appreciate the honesty and humor!

Thank you ... I'll be back!

[Amanda]

I definitely relate to the idea that one is perceived as week when she relates vulnerability. As a trauma survivor who wants to talk about it, I find that people mistake the request for understanding as a request for sympathy, and people have said they thought that telling one's story is an act of the victim...when in fact it is one of the first acts of the survivor.

I am glad that you are finding support through this process, and I am constantly amazed by the way the blog community has provided new outlets for our interpersonal support.

Blessings,
Amanda

[Jen A.]

Next time you get invited to Laity Lodge....take me with you! One of the staff members there, Mark Roberts, is an parish associate at our church. Amazingly funny man, Godly man, and phenomenal speaker.

It's always so nice to know you were missed...how wonderful it must have been to receive that card in the mail.

You continue to inspire us all.

[Square-Peg Karen]

Ohhhhhh! I want to put the kettle on and sit down with everyone here!

The post blew me away - I copied the words: "The opposite of vulnerability is not strength. Vulnerability is strength. And sometimes the kindness of strangers is exactly what you need to remember that you’re not alone." - to remind myself..Thank you, Brene

and then I starting reading the comments and I resonate with all of it! I'm thinking of Marica - as pm said - sending prayers that Marica feels the light and love surrounding her . I too lost a son (18 yrs ago) and reading Marica's comment broke my heart open (with the tender remembrances of the kindness of strangers - and with the ache of a mom's heart)

I'm agreeing with Amanda that telling our stories is the first act of a survivor - and i'm nodding at each comment - just amazed at the community thing - so very grateful!

[Marcus Goodyear]

I know Laity Lodge missed you, but hopefully we'll be able to get you out there again sometime.

[Sandy]

Okay, I am buying your book right now. You convinced me (and, yes, I know it wasn't the point:)!

[Erica]

"The opposite of vulnerability is not strength. Vulnerability is strength. And sometimes the kindness of strangers is exactly what you need to remember that you’re not alone."

This is why I spend so much time reading blogs. I have so much respect for mommas that can admit that this is hard stuff, to wives that admit that being a good partner is hard work, and that being a friend, with kids, partners, jobs, family, is hard to do sometimes.

I appreciate your writing and your strength. I appreciate the effort it takes to post when life is so busy. Do keep writing. It is good for you and good for us. So many of us...

[Jeanette]

I have read your book three times and learn more about myself each time and how to face my shame and especially my vulnerability. My 84 year old father is coming to visit me and I am stressing about how do I tell him I am content not working and just doing my volunteer work. To him success has always been financial and I was getting that feeling in my stomach and my face was getting all flushed just thinking about sharing my vulnerability which I thought was weakness until I read your blog and I remember it is my strength.

Thanks Brene!

[Anita]

I love the part about the kindness of strangers. So many times someone I don't even know has done something nice for me, maybe not even realizing it was seen as nice, and it made my day. I have some close friends that I can lay it all out there with- the whole honest sometimes ugly truth...and am struggling now to find out that a few not so close friends are mocking and gossiping and putting me down- to the point I almost took down my latest post 16 things about me because I thought that would just add fuel to the fire. Then I wanted to email them and say they could just screw off- and then I decided to just let them be. And not share with them. And if they decide to still mock me, they do'tt deserve me as a friend.

So thanks for the post on vulberability...and keep it real...and respectful.

Anita

[Danielle Hernandez]

I can't even begin to tell you how much I received from your class. I'm so glad that you have this blog, because you truly are an inspiration! It's like getting bonus class time:)

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