weighing in on oprah

Two or three times a year, a story breaks, and my email inbox is flooded with messages from friends, students, and colleagues, all sending links along with questions like, “Did you read about this? What do you think?” or “When are you going to write about this?”

Oprah’s latest magazine cover set my all-time email record.

The assumption that I have an opinion on Oprah’s struggle with food makes sense in many obvious ways:

1. I’m a researcher who has spent a decade studying shame, authenticity, and vulnerability.
2. I speak and write about resilience, self-compassion, and acceptance.
3. I’m a feminist who has taught courses on gender, race, and class for 12 years.
4. My book has a very strong focus on body and appearance shame.

The assumption that I would be disappointed or dismayed by Oprah’s perspective, or the media focus on the problem, is not a safe assumption for this one simple reason:

Addiction is a personal issue for me. I connect with what she’s saying, and I appreciate her willingness to put it out there.

If you’ve read my book or if you follow my blog, you probably know that I’ve been sober for 13 years. I haven’t written or talked about it much because, until I started writing my new book, I didn’t really understand it.

Now I get it.

My confusion stems from the fact that I never have felt completely connected with the recovery community. Abstinence and the 12 steps are powerful and profoundly important principles in my life, but not everything about the recovery movement fits for me. For example, millions of people owe their lives to the power that comes from saying, “Hi, I’m Brené and I’m an alcoholic.” That’s never fit for me. Even though I’m grateful for my sobriety and I'm convinced that it has radically changed my life, saying those words has always felt disempowering and strangely disingenuous for me.

I have often wondered if I felt out of place because I quit so many things at one time. My first sponsor couldn’t figure out what meeting I needed and was perplexed by my “very high bottom” (I quit drinking because I wanted to learn more about true self and I was afraid it would get in the way). She looked at me one night and said, “You have the Pu-Pu Platter of addictions – a little bit of everything. Just to be safe, it would be best if you just quit drinking, smoking, comfort-eating, and getting in your family’s business.”

I remember looking at her, throwing my fork on the table, and saying, “Well, that’s effing great. I guess I'll have some free time on my hands."

I never found my meeting. I just made my way through enough meetings to work the steps and get one year of smoke-free sobriety under my belt. And, over time, my personal motto of "Let Go and Let Brené" even gave way to grace.

Now I know why.

I’m basically a take-the-edge-off-aholic. They don’t have meetings for that, and saying that is what you are in a meeting can be fightin’ words if there are any old-timers around. For me, it wasn’t just the dance halls, cold beer, and Marlboro Lights of my youth that got out of hand – it was banana bread, chips and queso, email, work, staying busy, incessant worrying, planning, perfectionism, and anything else that could dull those agonizing and anxiety-fueled feelings of vulnerability.

I’ve had a couple of friends respond to my “I’m a take-the-edge-off-aholic” with concern about their own habits: “I drink a couple of glasses of wine every night – is that bad?” “I always shop when I’m stressed or depressed.” After years of shame research, I believe that we all numb out and take the edge off. The question is, does our _________________ (eating, drinking, spending, gambling, saving the world, gossiping, perfectionism, 60-hour work week, etc.) get in the way of our authenticity? Does it stop us from being emotionally honest and setting boundaries? Keep us from staying out of judgment and from feeling connected?

Understanding my behaviors and feelings through a vulnerability lens rather than strictly through an addiction lens changed my entire life. It also strengthened my commitment to sobriety, health, and spirituality.

I can definitely say, “Hi. My name is Brené, and today I’d like to deal with vulnerability and uncertainty by eating a basket of bread and spending hours on Etsy.” That feels uncomfortably honest.

When I finally saw my struggles in this new way, I stopped numbing and dulling. I used some recovery principles and discovered a way to finally deal with my food issues (maybe I’ll post about this later). Of course, it’s still one day at a time, but for the first time in my life, I can say that I experience the gifts of neutrality around food.

Neutrality comes from working a program of self-care, spirituality, and abstinence. You no longer run as fast as you can toward what you crave, nor do you run as fast as you can away from it. You’re neither drawn in nor repelled from. You just feel neutral. I don’t eat certain foods anymore, like cookies or cake, but I can spend an afternoon baking them with my kids. I don’t feel "better than" or self-righteous. I don’t agonize and wonder how I can sneak some. I just feel neutral. No obsessive eating. No obsessive dieting.

The key to this kind of peace for me is exactly what I think Oprah is talking about in her article. I have to be able to be still. I have to be well rested. I have to live in gratitude, not scarcity. I have to be taking care of my mind, body, and spirit.

A few months ago, in the middle of the post-Hurricane-Ike-shittiest-semester-ever, my vulnerability and fear skyrocketed, and my self-care plummeted. My eating felt completely out of control. What Oprah described in her article is exactly how I felt. Crazy, depressed, and defeated.

Now, here’s the important part: When I called one of my very closest friends to tell her about feeling out of control, she said, “Something has to give. You’ve been in crisis because of the hurricane, Ellen is sick, your grad students are in total anxiety – maybe you need to just let up on the food stuff for a while.”

For me, that’s just like saying, “Screw your sobriety – get loaded and enjoy yourself.” I mean exactly the same. If you’re struggling to understand how that can be, or to believe it – that’s OK. But I’m telling you it’s the same. When behaviors become chronic or compulsive, connections with family and friends are threatened. Depression and shame sneak in. Authenticity becomes impossible.

Since that time, my friend and I have spent some time talking about these issues. We’ve learned that, despite how similar our struggles are on the outside, what drives them is very different. Her eating is not tied to numbing herself, and that makes a huge difference in how we support each other. Now when I’m in crisis and I call her, she says, “Something has to give. Let the deadline go. Get some sleep. Go for a walk.”

I have learned that in the past, while I was “taking the edge off” of the pain and vulnerability, I was also unintentionally dulling my experiences of the good feelings, like joy and gratitude. In a very unexpected discovery, my own research taught me that there’s no such thing as selective emotional numbing. When we numb the dark, we numb the light.

As the sharp edges have started to come back, I’m learning that recognizing the discomfort of vulnerability is the greatest teacher of how to live with joy, gratitude, and grace.

As far as the Oprah issue goes, here’s my wish list:

1. I wish that the cover of Oprah’s magazine wasn’t about appearance. A more appropriate cover would have been a picture of her, alone and in hiding, shoving chocolate cake in her mouth with her eyes wildly darting back and forth, as if she were desperate or afraid. Or, maybe a picture of her hiding under the covers eating a huge bowl of mac and cheese. Weight is a symptom, let's talk honestly about the problem.

2. Body shame is the devil. In fact, we have excellent data that show that shame increases addictive behaviors. The more shame we feel, the more we do to numb it. I don’t know Oprah, but I don’t think this is about body shame for her; however, I do think that her choices about the cover contribute to the shaming of women about their bodies. I wish we could talk about our own journeys in a way that doesn’t shame or threaten others.

3. I think Oprah’s article is honest, and I appreciate the courage it took to share her struggle with the public. I do wish there was more than one line about addiction in her essay. Oprah has the power to help the country make the critical connections between addiction, vulnerability, and authenticity.

4. I’m proud to be a part of the feminist movement. I just wish we could make more space in the conversations about empowerment for the possibility that self-acceptance might include wanting to lose weight or to change your relationship with food. Just because you’re watching what you’re eating and exercising doesn’t mean that you’ve been duped by the patriarchy. That’s insulting and condescending. Fat is a feminist issue, but so is fitness.

5. I also owe so much to the recovery movement – maybe my life. I just wish that we could make more room at the table for people who thrive in their recovery in different ways. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve interviewed who tell me that they lie about their addictions in meetings so they can fit in. Fundamentalism is a real danger in any powerful movement. I think we need to be careful.

The journey to figure out our relationship with food and our body – and ultimately our authenticity – is often walked in solitude. We can and should be comforted by the fact that we are all travelers; however, if we really want to experience unity and solidarity, we have to find a way to celebrate the fact that our roads may lead in different directions. What brings me closer to authenticity and self-compassion may not work for you.

I’d love to know what you think, feel, or believe about these issues. I love healthy debate and disagreement. I don't care for name-calling, shaming, or attacks (I'll delete you without hesitation). This was tough to write and I'm sure some will struggle to comment. Kindness is important around tender issues.

Comments

[Renae C]

5. I also owe so much to the recovery movement – maybe my life. I just wish that we could make more room at the table for people who thrive in their recovery in different ways. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve interviewed who tell me that they lie about their addictions in meetings so they can fit in. Fundamentalism is a real danger in any powerful movement. I think we need to be careful.

This is so important. I've seen it in both the recovery community (second hand) and the abuse survivor community (first hand). There is often a proscribed path, and deviation from that path can make one an outcast even within the community of support.

Making room and honoring each other's journeys, even when they are different from the "norm" or the accepted, is so important - and so hard to do.

Defining "one way" to health and wholeness is dangerous, no matter who is writing the definition. There will always be exceptions. In fact, I think if we are really, really honest - we are ALL exceptions. Everybody finds their own path.

But it's so much easier, with recovery, or psychology, or spirituality or whatever - to make a checklist and STRONGLY SUGGEST if not to REQUIRE that the only way to whatever the goal happens to be is to make sure you check every item off in order. Those lists make us feel safe. If somebody is doing it differently, we have to expand our view of what works, and sometimes we have to even question what it is that works for us - which can be a scary thing to do.

The only way to honestly and authentically support one another is to be honest and authentic with ourselves first and then to risk the vulnerability of sharing our stories and listening, REALLY listening, to the stories of others and honoring their journeys.

It's not always an easy thing to do - thanks to you for doing it so honestly and so well.

Here's to celebrating all the different directions that our roads take toward the ultimate goal of each of us discovering and becoming who we really are.

[farrah Braniff]

Beautiful and lots to consider, thanks for your amazing perspective.

[Kathy]

Once again you are speaking to me so clearly. I so appreciate and admire your insight.

[laurel s.]

i'm going to take a few days/weeks (most likely) to digest this blog posting - i'm in a similar place to Oprah weight-wise due to similar habits with contributing health issues - it feels bad. really, really bad. strangely, O magazine didn't help - while i could hear her frustration, explanation, bold attempt at honesty...the shame came through loud and clear - that triggered my own shame surrounding body size/shape issues. your post helps me 'get that' somewhat - thank you. i agree with your plea for us to get to the root of the symptom(s) rather than simply the outcome/outward evidence of the symptom. am i even making sense?? well, my point is, THANK YOU for your clarity and wise words.

[katherine center]

Brave, brave, brave. And beautifully written, as ever. I wish women talked about these issues honestly a lot more often. But it IS tender. It IS hard. For every enlightening and gratifying conversation I've ever had about women/bodies/food/struggle, I've had at least ten more that were fraught with tension, misunderstandings, knee-jerk hostilities, and missed connections. But I think the ones that work--where there is real sharing and honesty--make all the others so worth it. xoxox K

[Wanda]

I honor your vulnerability and authenticity here. I can't say that I disagree with you on any point. Yes, fundamentalism is a real danger and I have had a similar experience with the 12 steps. They are absolutely useful and at some point became very limiting to my path.

I, too, want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. Many people assume that overweight means compulsive over-eater and that is not always true. If I were not dealing with other health issues, I would be able to lose weight. The truth is, it is not safe in a lot of cultures to admit to being ill, either.

The path is not "one size fits all." I wish I had known that when I was younger. I wouldn't have so many regrets.

[Fiona]

Wow, what an awesome blog post. So much there to think about. I don't have a weight problem, but I definitely DO have addiction problems - mostly relating to my computer - and reading that other people also try to "escape" their worries/problems online is a bit of a revelation to me.

Thank you for your honest heart and for sharing your life and opinions so beautifully.

I've been reading your blog for a while, but feel today is the day to be brave and make a comment. I definitely need to read your book!

[Lisa]

I cant believe it I was just saying to my husband if the 1 litre box of icecream i was finishing off had been full I could have eaten the lot, this was a reaction to a family situation that had happened earlier in the day. I agree with what you were saying about going out and getting loaded etc. I think I need to spend some more time thinking about this and how it relates to me. I have also been to oa meetings and not felt entirely comfortable in that setting but knowing that how i ate was more than just eating I call it medicating with food. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself I do enjoy reading your blog and please talk more about how you found a way to deal with your food issues I think it would quite helpful.

[Irene]

WOW! You weren't joking when you said the year of the superhero where you? Such grace, such elequence. It will take me a bit of thinking and rereading to fully appreciate it all. I write to say THANK YOU for having the courage to write about it, but, more imporantly, to BEG you to write about how you came to be neutral about food. Perhaps it is part of your book; and if that is the case, I will wait. Powerful, powerful stuff you are writing about. As always, I'm in Brene's brigade!

[katherine center]

And hey--I just saw Everyone Is Beautiful on your sidebar!! So excited to be on your nightstand!! xoxo

[The Other Laura]

This is a beautiful and tender post. I've been thinking so much about connection and this kind of honesty must be at its center. I am learning so much, thank you.

Addiction is such a highly charged topic for everyone and I believe we do all self medicate in one way or another. I'm trying to turn toward healthier things to take the edge off, a soak in the tub or a long walk work just as well as anything and I've found that a few long deep breaths can rescue me most of the time (though I'm sure I look kind of weird standing there and counting to ten while I breathe).

I think Oprah is being as honest as she can.

[megbrothers]

Wow, thanks for this. I have been in and out of OA meetings for the past couple of years. I can't help but feel like you are singin' my song with this post and some of my concerns with what recovery really looks like. I have always found it interesting that in the meetings authenticity has never been present - that it never has been valued. I think much if not all of our recovery is due to authenticity. I also feel like there is little to no room at the table for recovery but only for the recovering. Much of my shame came when I hit my one year. I felt shunned and that in order to really connect and understand people at the meetings, I needed to still be in the trenches with them. How dare I say I felt as you say "neutral" to it all. There was no space for it so I left. What an interesting turn of events in my life. I am really happy to read this post today, thanks for braving it. I am currently revamping what my recovery looks like and I appreciate the perspective.

[Briana]

I am so happy (and blessed!) to have found your blog. Thank you for your thoughtful insight and your authenticity. I deeply appreciate your ability to get to the deeper heart of such a public and personal issue. Keep writing! I will read forever!

[Deirdre]

Such riches in that post. I needed to print it and reread it.

I taped yesterday's Oprah. I'm inspired by her honesty and bravery. You got it exactly right though---I would say all addiction is about numbing. And the real question is what is in your life (or not) that makes you crave being numb?

I love my life right now, but I am so looking forward to the joy that I'm probably not experiencing as brightly because of the time I spend numb or getting numb.

To be awake and experience life fully, that is what I want.

[Lori]

I am so very grateful for your honest vulnerability. I have struggled with my own addiction for almost 2 decades and just recently sought the help I desperately wanted.

My help came in a 12 step program (http://www.amazon.com/12-Steps-Spiritual-Journey-Recovery/dp/0941405443/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1231260938&sr=8-1) that focuses on allowing a greater power to help you through your problem. I do not sit down with a group every week and say "Hi, I"m Lori, and I'm addicted to internet porn." Like you, that's not me. I am not defined by the things I do. I am defined by my savior and His love for me.

The program I attend operates with the thought that God loves you right where you are, but He loves you too much to leave you there.

Through this program I have come to realize that my addictions, much like weight, are symptoms of a greater problem. I can now say, "hi, I'm Lori. I've got some problems, but God is shining His Light into the dark places in my life and He loves me through it all."

[Donna]

i too was disappointed in Oprah's magazine cover page. I am not a heavy person but i have added pounds here and there and keep exercising to maintain my weight. My recovery in my life has been my self-esteem even tho i think i have self-esteem life keeps reminding me that i don't so their is a balance with food, relationships, assertiveness, compassion,etc. {i am not perfect and am learning to love my strengths and know what they are}. I lost my son 5 years ago and alot of his life i believe were his perceptions of people judging him as he was sensitive, shy and wore hearing aids and had poor speech- my word for 2009 is non-judgmental. I have learned to be honest about the tragedy with my son and through that i learn about me, addictions (sarcasim, judging, being passive-aggresive personality) that is changing ....i am proud of my recovery and have peace and joy in my relationships and daily life! i love your blog and i am so happy you made shame, fear, vulnerability your passion in research and in writing about it!
luv u for it!

[Allison]

THANK YOU BRENÉ!!!! This is what I felt in my heart for so long and you put it into words.

I was young when codependency was threatening my identity and eating disorders were threatening my life. I was told by several therapists that the 12 steps were the ONLY WAY, and if I had a problem with them, that was just my "self-will run riot." I went to meetings for almost 2 years, and got a lot from the recovery community and from the steps, but I felt a lot of anxiety and a lot of shame, but that is just me... oh I could ramble forever.

Bottom line: thank you.

[Lucy]

oes our _________________ (eating, drinking, spending, gambling, saving the world, gossiping, perfectionism, 60-hour work week, etc.) get in the way of our authenticity? Does it stop us from being emotionally honest and setting boundaries? Keep us from staying out of judgment and from feeling connected?

This definition here just clicked for me. Anything that gets in the way of authenticity is a problem. I was in councelling through my university for the last year and a half, on and off. The problem I found was that those who I wanted to help me were giving me a black and white when my relationship with food is, and was, grey. It felt like "if you're not going to an Eating Disorder weigh-in, you're problem isn't 'big' enough". That may, of course, have been my perception. But my habits and idiosynchracies with food, whilst always resembling Bulimia, never really hit the official mark. The definition above validates what I struggle with. What I can't explain, or type, or stuff down inside with an extra peice of cake. The shame of using words like 'Bulimia' and 'Eating disorder' regarding myself is finally waning. And, For me, admitting to myself what I'm ashamed of is the only way to banish those demons.
The shame of our own feelings combined with the shame of stigmatisation and of having fallen victim to what most smart women realise is a patriarchal booby trap make this issue impossible to speak about for countless people. I hope I'll be brave and authentic enough to face up to the bits of myself I find shame in. And, perhaps more importantly, reach out to friends of mine whose shame they don't want me to see almost as much as they don't want to see it themselves. Thank you again, Brene, for a small, sane space to start the debate in. I have hope and faith in authenticity for all of us.

[C R]

Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing and thank you too for so authentically acknowledging our diversity as well as our sameness. I am hoping that we will recognize, appreciate, and respect this in ourselves and others more readily and more often in the near future. In fact, I believe that our future as a free people and society may very well depend on it.

[corinna]

OH MY STARS!!!!!! What a beautifully written and fantastically raw post. I stumbled across your blog a few months ago and love the way you HONESTLY write about things.It will take me a few goes at reading this also. Love the way your are keeping me honest with myself thanks for that. I told myself this is the year....... so look out self .......HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo

[Gypsy Alex]

That is a fantastic post, Brene. Thank you for being the most authentic you. Sharing truth is the only way to our collective growth. And you're not only brave to share your personal experience, but you are also full of insight and knowledge. Your post reminds me of an audio book with a talk "on writing" between Julia Cameron & Natalie Goldberg. In this conversation, Julia says that her addiction to alcohol was a way to tame the sensor, the critic, when she wanted to write freely, without any road blocks. I can relate to Julia and to what you wrote in the take-the-edge-off-aholic paragraphs. I see a book in here, as many of us (artists especially) feel a bit deprived of support under this category. Love you & your writing, sweet friend ~ xo

[Heidi Fischbach]

I love that we talk about all these things openly, which is how the love'll get in. It seems we have to love up the shame real good, not to get rid of it but to transform it into what was there all along underneath, which seems to be a delicious, if at times desperate, desire to connect. The URL I link to is a letter I wrote to all the women in my life several years ago. It pops into mind now. It's about food stuff and connection and shame and love. I am so happy that we talk about these things. Thank you, Brene!

http://babayagasplace.squarespace.com/heidi-musings/2005/3/11/connection.html

[Kerstin]

Sometimes I get so tired of this subject. It has controlled me most of my life and I am sick of fighting it, analyzing it, surrendering to it.

But I can tell you this. For me, food and alcohol issues always come back to wanting to feel safe. That's been the story of my life: the overwhelming need for safety. In my childhood it was the sweets consumed at night when my mother locked us into the bedroom in anticipation of my drunken father's return. Anxieties have been a part of me ever since I can remember and those sweets still comfort me today, as well as the glasses of wine that make me feel safe and free.

I have not read Oprah's article and doubt that I will. But I like that you offer a different perspective here. Neutrality around food (and whatever else we are addicted to) sounds like a wonderful place and worthy goal and I hope you will write more about it.

Thank you!

[Cate]

Thank you for the fabulous post...

Several things hit a nerve in such a good way that I'm going to look into some habits (Etsy, blogs, browsing...perfectionism and control, wandering about, worry...wow!) that I've been trying to figure out the deeper reasons for doing them.

I'll come back and reread this post again several times so that it can really sink in. Brilliantly said and done...
Thanks again,
Cate

[Sylvia V]

So rich!
It dawns on me that as we 'take the edge off' of our vulnerabilities with food, booze, aimless browsing, etc. that we are also, unknowingly, sanding down around the edges of our talents, dreams, and passions. As you point out , Brene, living in that kind of clarity requires very deep levels of courage and compassion for ourselves and for others.
For me there was a whiff of shame around Oprah's show. But I do think that provoking this kind of comment and dialogue is so very helpful, thanks to you both.

[deb]

My addiction has always been staying busy, so busy that I don't have to stop and feel. I'm learning to slow down, a little, and to feel. I'm also learning that feelings pass, the good ones and the bad ones. It all passes which makes things easier. Now when I get sad, I know it will pass, makes it easier to feel the feeling. I've also worked on being compassionate to myself, quit expecting perfection, understanding why I thought perfection would save me, make me lovable. I could go on but I'm off to work. Very thoughtful post, I appreciate it. I'll be thinking about it all day.

[carmen torbus]

Brené, this is beautifully written. I am going to share it with some of my friends in recovery and my friends in the CoDA 12 Step group I attend. I can relate to so much of what you have written and I always appreciate your authenticity in your writing.

Carmen

[Jenn Hains]

This is really just an amazing post and I want to hug you from Chicago. I am a member of the recovery community and just really liked your perspective, which I can relate to and appreciate. The beauty in it is that we must continue questioning and finding the path. I think we need to understand that there are many ways of healing and finding our authenticity. In my case, I do use that community to lean on, but I have found many other tools that work as well. I honor the fact that I get to choose from a range of options to discover my true self.

For me, it has been about slowing down (which is a work in progress) and finding my voice. I think I have always had a tendency to overdo and perfect because that takes me away from what is really going on in the moment. My old idea was that I needed to get people to love me through doing when it's really about just being and loving myself.

I am learning that I can survive the moment and, in fact, enjoy the moment.

Thank you for talking about food and body image. It's something that I talk about a lot and struggle with as well. My awareness continues to grow around what things I use to take me away from vulnerability and authenticity. It helps when there are people like you out there honoring the truth.

I could go on and on and wish I could have a cup of tea with you some time. You're just a huge inspiration.

[Heather]

Brene, your courage is not ordinary.

I can't tell you how much this resonated with me. Thanks for providing words for my feelings. Keep sharing your thoughts with us.

I wish you all the best as you continue your journey.

[Jeanne]

Brené, i found your blog thru Kelly Rae and could completely relate to this post. I also eat and drink to take the edge off....but have found that lately it does take away from life rather than add to it. The weight thing has always been an issue for me with my family....and while I struggle to believe in the empowerment of being an independent, strong woman....the weight still bothers me. Thank you for your post and the courage to put your story out there.

[Deb Jones]

Wow! Brene I can only say thank you. This is a great post and one that I will be reding over and over again until I can get it all sunk deep into my soul. I want to read your book even more than I did before. Thank you.

[karen]

Brené, this is absolutely on the mark - thank you.

[eloise]

32 posts - you are in sinc !
thanks for sharing the numbing medicative effect that food has for you - I share it and battle it - tried addiction meetings but the fundamentalism was too much - feeling awkward about the size of my curves and then feeling invisible was too much for me -

the beauty of shame work is the resiliency of coming into genuine connection within - and realizing that I am ...
that's it - simply that I am - all of who I am - and the curves that continue are not my definition of who I am - separate from the outside but filled with the intent of my actions and the follow through of my behavior - and fulfilling every moment with being present -
and strive to stay in the moment w/ connection -

as for the Oprah buzz - I heard "my best life was waiting" and it was in her cover of her magazine with her best body that was in the past - Blalack - i
it so diminishes the art of being real and connected and as you say so lovely -
living with vulnerability -

thanks again - Miss Eloise

[Bonnie]

Great post Brene. You got me thinking...

When I can achieve food neutrality it is usually because I decide that I am tired of having Drama around it. Drama fills my need to feel important. When I am in my Drama, I have "issues", I have "problems", I am "stuck" - all very anxiety inducing! So the vicious cycle takes over - I medicate with food, chocolate, blog-reading, freecell, overwhelm - and my health and fitness suffer. If I can step out of my need for Drama, I can also change my behavior.

Your thoughtful and hearlfelt post and some of the comments here (yes, in recovery it is good to feel bored eventually!) made me remember this! Thank you!

xoxo Bonnie

[Leslie]

This is just wonderful and healing to read and think about. It just reminds me of how important and freeing it is to be honest with myself and others no matter how hard it may seem. This past summer I've used many things (eating, drinking wine, compulsively reading magazines) to numb the pain I've felt from dealing with a family tragedy and suffering through my own fertility problems. When I read things like this I feel more encouraged to walk through the dark. Thank you for being honest with all of us - it inspires me to be honest with myself.

[Kat]

Wow. What gets me most is your message on authenticity, and how numbing the bad numbs the good. I have never thought about it that way before. Thank you for such a very thought-provoking and eloquent post.

[annie]

thank you, Brene. I love your posts, particularly the ones about authenticity and this one really connected some dots for me. Thanks for your braveness--you're inspiring!

[Cristina]

Thank you. I just discovered your blog from Ali's. I can't tell you how profoundly this has affected me. I have 5 years sobriety from an addiction to pain medication. And you know what? Instead of being ashamed about it, today I am proud. I guess you could call me a take-the-edge-off-addict as well. When I started my sobriety, I went to the meetings and had a sponsor. Oh Lord, I did NOT fit in!!! Thank you for affirming that it's ok if AA or NA doesn't fit for me. And for sharing your own vulneribilites. For some reason, I felt as though I didn't have the right to talk about my sobriety as I was not following the "program" exactly. Such amazing power a shift in mental attitude and perspective can bring.
Thank you.

[Melissa LaFavers]

Good morning, Brene. And thank you for having the courage and commitment to address these difficult, complicated issues.

I haven't yet read the Oprah article. I have admired Oprah since I was a teenager. I related to her because she seemed real, and because she looked more like me. I've been a fat chick since I was a junior in high school. My story is similar to many; no matter how I've tried or what the reason has been, I have never been able to lose weight and keep it off.

I agree with you that it's insulting to assume that a woman is "duped by the patriarchy" because she's working toward fitness goals and seeking the best nutrition available. I also think that there are currently many remaining misconceptions about weight and food in our culture. People come in all sizes, and what's natural for one person is not necessarily what another should be striving for.

We're all responsible for our bodies. We endure the consequences, good or bad, for the decisions we make about health and nutrition and fitness. I'm tired of being blamed for something that is largely genetic. I'm tired of feeling like less of a woman because I'm not the size of someone who comes from a long, long line of skinny ancestors. I'm very tired of having the constant drumbeat of self-hate in my head for being fat.

And I'm certain that a hell of a lot more damage has been done to me psychologically, and thus physically, from the constant struggle to make my body something it's not through all kinds of mean-spirited modalities than being "overweight" will ever do.

It's a fascinating, energetic discussion, and I appreciate the opportunity to take part in it with someone like you. Thanks again.

[Amy]

I so relate to the numbing through food. I often say that I don't have terrible lows in my life, but at the same time I don't have big highs either. I am sort of in the middle all the time. I never really live big. I am not sure if I'm ready to try yet, although there is a WW meeting tonight. :) Thanks always for your insights.

[busymomma66]

I just wanted to thank you for being brave and putting it out there!

I do have issues with food, and as you point out there are so many whys I have these issues.

I am also a co-dependent. My husband (soon to be ex) is an addict and an alcoholic. I did the Al-Anon thing, but it wasn't working for me. I didn't really fit in. I'm now reading Co-dependent no more and it totally clicks. I'm more of a introspective, need to wrestle myself and pull at all the layers type person. Your stuff clicks for me as well. I'm finding myself stopping and thinking as to why I'm numbing myself on issues. I haven't found many answers yet, but at least now I'm pausing and thinking about it.

Thank you!

[Jan]

you made me pause/ think/ weep/pause/think/weep

this might be the trigger for me to continue to pause
this might be the trigger for me to continue to think
this might be the trigger for me to continue to weep

i think today will be a good day.
tomorrow, i don't know yet.

i experienced an entire year of depression and shame

today I will pause
and have conversations with the true me.
listening can be so exhausting.

thanks, Jan
-this is my first time "visiting"

[Michelle H]

"there’s no such thing as selective emotional numbing. When we numb the dark, we numb the light."
you can't know how encouraging this is for me...it's like a lightbulb went on above my head and in my heart when i read this. i believe we've all got addictions, i won't go into mine here. but i want to thank you for this post and especially the comment i quoted. i have a lot of healing to do and this is one quote i'm printing out and posting everywhere as a reminder to myself. thank you.

[janet]

i loved the line live in gratitude not scarcity....i needed that!

[vateresa]

Your blog post was so clear and insightful, I wish I had written it myself or figured out along the way how my different addictions (including loving addicted men) are all part of taking the edge off. And the stunning realization that our authenticity, our real-ness, our naked vulnerability lives and breathes on the edge, so taking the edge off erases our self.

Ahh, I can breathe a little more fully. Clarity and wisdom. Thank you so very much.

[tracy g]

In some ways, the shame of food goes deeper than some of the others. Food applied can not be hidden, unlike other drugs of choice it is attached directly to your____(fill in the blank). You lug it around with every heavy step. I appreciate you sharing a personal experience for the sake of transparency and connection to a global community of humans trying to find the way. Your words ring true for many.

[emma christina]

i just wanted to tell you how powerful this post is. very thought-provoking! it resonated with me because i sought an unconventional path for my recovery. not only that, i have an unconventional addiction. i can't talk about what made me hurt and i can't talk about what made me well. i applaud oprah for all that she does, but what if your addiction/recovery doesn't fit the media created mainstream? what do you do then? after reading your words, i can at least be strong in my decision to do what was right for me. thank you for that affirmation.

[Julia]

This is a beautiful post. I related with every word and paragraph. Thank you.

[emilyt]

I am deeply affected by your words and the tears flow as I read this. It just speaks to my soul. I am in healing mode right now, and identifying so many things to bring me to authenticity so I can lead a bigger life. I am finally ready for the journey.
You bring my truth to my throat and I am trying desperately not to choke it back down. I am recognizing that my numbing defenses have gotten me into deep trouble and have led me many times down the wrong path. Your words today are helping me find courage yet again to face those "addictions" that lead to bad choices and are followed by shame. A vicious cycle indeed. Thank you for your courageous honesty. It means so much to so many and allows us to be more honest as well.
I also believe that if more women embraced this type of authenticy that it would take away the need to fill our lives with the demons that we allow to take over. Self preservation would be a success and we could lift each other out of the misconceptions that we seem to think should define us. If that is what feminism means, than call me one. I also want to mention that I thank you for mentioning food issues in a general way. Fitness and healthy are important, which means different things to different women. I have been underweight for my entire life and have struggled with my perception of what I should look like. It is often that I allow others' opinions of me direct my body image. It leads me to the path of shame and I often fall into numbing food behaviors. Food behaviors are not just for those that are overweight, but can be for those that wish to add 15 pounds so they can feel perfection, too. I know I need to work on giving up that image of what I think I should be and embrace what I am. A petite woman with a powerful soul and a big heart. I've never put that into words quite like I have today. Much love to you, today Brene.

[bev]

thank you. It makes sense to me finally. I needed those first few years of recovery support but then...well...it didn;t fit well. And yet, I need the principles in my life or things start slipping and sliding backwards. It is making more sense to me now. thank you!