I turned 44 on Wednesday. I’m always quiet and contemplative around my birthday and this week is no exception. In fact, I’m having a really hard time getting my head around my age because I’ve somehow managed to mentally freeze my mom at 44. We can’t both be in our mid-40’s.

I’m doing a special TGIF this week – a look back at how my trust, inspiration, and gratitude has changed over the past three decades.

On place:

At 14: I’m pretty sure that I spent my 14^th birthday sitting alone in a deer blind in freezing weather on my family’s hunting lease. My birthday has always been dangerously close to the opening of deer season (which was relevant in my family and remains so for my state). I remember wearing Wranglers, a western belt with my name stamped across the back, and battery-operated socks. I was holding a huge gun across my lap (that I never intended to use to shoot anything but skeet) while dreaming of marrying a quarterback. Not THE quarterback. Any quarterback.

At 24: To pay my way through undergrad, I took a part-time, Spanish-speaking job with AT&T. After a combination of dropping out and getting kicked out of school, I still had two years left and I needed the money. I quickly became a union steward (CWA Local 6143), then got promoted into management, then got promoted again, then offered another promotion that meant moving to New Jersey. Somewhere along the way I fell in love with the idea of being a radical, fun college teacher so I turned down the promotion, resigned from AT&T, got a job waiting tables, and went back to school to pursue a career as a social work researcher and professor. 

At 34: At 34, I was a new mom and a new professor married to a new pediatrician. Between 24 and 34, I got married, quit drinking, quit smoking, finished my degree, finished my masters, survived Steve’s residency, had a baby, finished my Ph.D., got my first professorship, and stayed married.

At 44: I spend most of my time loving on Steve, Ellen, and Charlie, writing, researching, speaking, playing, and trying really hard to slow down and find joy in the ordinary moments.

On Love:

At 14: Love only happened to girls who made the drill team and that wasn’t me. Unfortunately, quasi-wild-always-afraid-misfit girls could only watch. Thank God for The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.

At 24: Love = cold beer + Marlboro Lights + Leonard Cohen

But all I've ever learned from love/
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya ~ Leonard Cohen

At 34: “Love is great. I just don’t do vulnerability or uncertainty. That works . . . right?”

At 44: "Oh, shit. Love is vulnerability and uncertainty."

On God:

At 14: When I sat in mass and heard the priest and/or the parishioners preaching, I seriously doubted the existence of God. When I sat in mass and heard everyone singing, I believed with my whole heart.

At 24: In the 80's, politics and religion collided like never before. Mystery and faith turn into certainty and hatred. "I’m out. No thanks." Anger and activism became my new religion.

At 34: Too busy making my way to find the way.

At 44: “The opposite of faith is not doubt. The opposite of faith is certainty.” ~ Anne Lammot

I clawed my way through the 2007 breakdown spiritual awakening. I searched for for faith and found a place within me where God and love were so intertwined that they became one. Music is still church (along with a real church on most Sundays).

The biggest surprise:

I always thought I would kinda just “love Steve” and we would raise a “calm and kind” family while I worked my ass off so that I could feel proud and successful.

As it turns out, the thing that I’m the most proud of is my marriage. It’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I feel EXTREMELY lucky to be married to a man who believes in me and believes in the “hard work” part. I was careless with love and so grateful that I found someone who knew me before I knew me.

From the time I was old enough to imagine having a family, the words “calm” and “kind” were key. Raising children in a calm and kind way has turned out to be the most unrelenting, amazing, scary, wonderful thing that I’ve every done. The most defining experience of my life is motherhood.

And last, I never, ever, ever, thought I’d love my work as much as I do. Now I understand that loving what you do is the definition of success. I feel incredibly grateful.

Happy TGIF!

Today I’m trusting that I’ll continue to grow and learn and change.

I’m grateful for Steve, Ellen, and Charlie.

I’m inspired by love, faith, and this community.

I’d love to know where you’re finding trust, gratitude, and inspiration this week!