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tgif + birthday reflections
I turned 44 on Wednesday. I’m always quiet and contemplative around my birthday and this week is no exception. In fact, I’m having a really hard time getting my head around my age because I’ve somehow managed to mentally freeze my mom at 44. We can’t both be in our mid-40’s.
I’m doing a special TGIF this week – a look back at how my trust, inspiration, and gratitude has changed over the past three decades.
On place:
At 14: I’m pretty sure that I spent my 14th birthday sitting alone in a deer blind in freezing weather on my family’s hunting lease. My birthday has always been dangerously close to the opening of deer season (which was relevant in my family and remains so for my state). I remember wearing Wranglers, a western belt with my name stamped across the back, and battery-operated socks. I was holding a huge gun across my lap (that I never intended to use to shoot anything but skeet) while dreaming of marrying a quarterback. Not THE quarterback. Any quarterback.
At 24: To pay my way through undergrad, I took a part-time, Spanish-speaking job with AT&T. After a combination of dropping out and getting kicked out of school, I still had two years left and I needed the money. I quickly became a union steward (CWA Local 6143), then got promoted into management, then got promoted again, then offered another promotion that meant moving to New Jersey. Somewhere along the way I fell in love with the idea of being a radical, fun college teacher so I turned down the promotion, resigned from AT&T, got a job waiting tables, and went back to school to pursue a career as a social work researcher and professor.
At 34: At 34, I was a new mom and a new professor married to a new pediatrician. Between 24 and 34, I got married, quit drinking, quit smoking, finished my degree, finished my masters, survived Steve’s residency, had a baby, finished my Ph.D., got my first professorship, and stayed married.
At 44: I spend most of my time loving on Steve, Ellen, and Charlie, writing, researching, speaking, playing, and trying really hard to slow down and find joy in the ordinary moments.
On Love:
At 14: Love only happened to girls who made the drill team and that wasn’t me. Unfortunately, quasi-wild-always-afraid-misfit girls could only watch. Thank God for The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.
At 24: Love = cold beer + Marlboro Lights + Leonard Cohen
But all I've ever learned from love/
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya ~ Leonard Cohen
At 34: “Love is great. I just don’t do vulnerability or uncertainty. That works . . . right?”
At 44: "Oh, shit. Love is vulnerability and uncertainty."
On God:
At 14: When I sat in mass and heard the priest and/or the parishioners preaching, I seriously doubted the existence of God. When I sat in mass and heard everyone singing, I believed with my whole heart.
At 24: In the 80's, politics and religion collided like never before. Mystery and faith turn into certainty and hatred. "I’m out. No thanks." Anger and activism became my new religion.
At 34: Too busy making my way to find the way.
At 44: “The opposite of faith is not doubt. The opposite of faith is certainty.” ~ Anne Lammot
I clawed my way through the 2007 breakdown spiritual awakening. I searched for for faith and found a place within me where God and love were so intertwined that they became one. Music is still church (along with a real church on most Sundays).
The biggest surprise:
I always thought I would kinda just “love Steve” and we would raise a “calm and kind” family while I worked my ass off so that I could feel proud and successful.
As it turns out, the thing that I’m the most proud of is my marriage. It’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I feel EXTREMELY lucky to be married to a man who believes in me and believes in the “hard work” part. I was careless with love and so grateful that I found someone who knew me before I knew me.
From the time I was old enough to imagine having a family, the words “calm” and “kind” were key. Raising children in a calm and kind way has turned out to be the most unrelenting, amazing, scary, wonderful thing that I’ve every done. The most defining experience of my life is motherhood.
And last, I never, ever, ever, thought I’d love my work as much as I do. Now I understand that loving what you do is the definition of success. I feel incredibly grateful.
Happy TGIF!
Today I’m trusting that I’ll continue to grow and learn and change.
I’m grateful for Steve, Ellen, and Charlie.
I’m inspired by love, faith, and this community.
I’d love to know where you’re finding trust, gratitude, and inspiration this week!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Reader Comments (40)
I'm trusting that it will all work out the way it's supposed to.
I'm grateful for my artist friends, even though they're scattered across the country.
I'm inspired by this crazy blogging world that enables me to follow along on so many amazing womens' journeys!!
Today I am trusting that my decision to take the entire weekend off of work will not backfire. (I teach grade 4 and just handed in my term 1 report cards today... I've worked every weekend since mid-August... I *need* a weekend for me!)
Today I am grateful for my Saturday plans with my friend Michaelle. A fantastic craft sale on our undergrad university campus... lunch & supper out... wonderful company... it's going to be good. I'm also grateful that I made it through an incredibly challenging week.
Today I am inspired by the word 'courage'. (Thanks, Brene, for the reminder this week!) I feel like the idea of telling my story & letting myself out from under the 'suffocating blanket' and tackling the tornado is beginning to feel just a little bit possible.
True words!
I'm grateful for my happy joyful kids. It's vitually impossible not to smile around them.
I'm inspired by quiet, silence, space, prayer.
Gratitude: I am grateful for a "learning spirit". Every day I grow to a new level of understanding.
Inspiration: Inspiration, today, came to me in the face of an incredibly brave friend whose husband of 37 years is awaiting the results of a pet scan for cancer.
Everyday that is healthy is a great day.
Happy birthday.
Today I'm trusting my feet on the ground. I'm grateful for access to amazing teachers. I'm inspired by all the wonderful Unravellers I've had the honor and pleasure of spending the past 8 weeks with -- that Susannah Conway is one major force for good:)
trusting that my husband will be safe on his week long hunting trip to montana.
grateful for my special team who pulled off a amazing womens day today!
inspired with a sprinkle of exhaustion. its been a long but exhilarating day.
This week, I'm finding trust in the Universe and its power and ability to support and provide opportunity.
I am grateful for my friends and family for the space to find my way at this time. And I am inspired by the many amazing, creative, strong women I have met online over the last few months.
Many blessings to all ...
This week I trust that I will be doing just fine being the sole carer for our daughter while my husband is away for two weeks on business.
This week I am grateful that I have realized that the world is my oyster. I can do anything and achieve everything.
This week I am inspired by the fact that if you really think that everyone is kind then the world is a wonderful place.
happy birthday (from a sister 43 yr. old!) and twinkle lights lit from st. paul to you!
(www.allididwaslisten.blogspot.com)
Grateful: For the small fires I went through earlier in life...so I can handle this BIG one. (my
mom found a "note" in my dads pocket, and it had such kind wonderful things to
say...BUT it was addressed to another woman and her kids!!
Inspiring: That even though winter is upon us...spring will sneak up just as quickly.
I am trusting that the healthy decisions I have made for my authentic self continue to bring serenity to my life and my family's.
I am grateful for my husband who also knew me before I knew myself. I have learned so much from him.
I am inspired to keep having faith and trusting God to guide me.
What a thoughtful birthday gift you gave all of us with this post...
It's so interesting that if we get all hung up on aging (as the physical process) we miss out on the very significant ways in which our spirit is deepening and widening within us. When I look at older women ( I mean closer to my age) now, I look for that spark, that glint that telegraphs engagement - and it invariably gives them a glow that comes with staying open to life. Even in pain, there is a softening and refining process that makes us more fully what we are - and for me, that is true beauty. So thanks for celebrating this dialogue.
I am trusting that life gets better as we get clearer - so far, that is working for me.
I am so deeply grateful for my husband who, like yours, knew and loved me long before I knew myself
I am inspired by two young men who sat next to me on an airplane last week and graciously included me in an ongoing conversation. We had so much fun - I wish I could tell their moms that they raised them exceedingly well!
TRUSTING the circle of life.
GRATEFUL FOR the healthy birth of my friend's baby girl.
INSPIRED BY Madeleine L'Engel's work, 'Country Living' magazine and this awesome blog.
love & peace
TRUSTING GOD like never before.
GRATEFUL for people who care about others.
INSPIRED by fellow people with disabilities who never give up.
can i just say that it's really nice to see someone have a reflection of this caliber? i'm 25 and itching desperately...it is comforting that someone, YOU, has been there, done that and lived to tell about it.
and, to know, that someday i might truly understand success and love and what is worth being proud of? yes please.
thankful for this post in a big way
inspired that this phase of life will lead me to another one
grateful that i have a foundation that is solid. a good place to launch from.
I am grateful for being able to pursue a career which is teaching me acceptance. I so needed this. My life would have been different had I not taken this step and if I had continued my earlier career. I am so grateful for my brother's support in all this.
I am inspired by this blog.
TRUST: that God is there/here.
GRATEFUL: for my wonderful extended family, 13 of whom came to my house for dinner today.
INSPIRED: by human resiliency. It is a miracle how resilient we can be. And considering how hard life often is, it's a good thing we are so resilient!
i am trusting that i will find a way to do what i need to do in my work life.
i am grateful for real friends
i am inspired those that are able to find the time... i am inspired to try!
grateful for the small joys is the way to go!
Inspired by conversations and reflections of the past and how far this journey has brought me.
I'm grateful for my mother/best friend - she is my rock.
I'm inspired by my four-legged furry children - they are fearless.
Today I am trusting that some day I too will be able to refelct on my past with such honesty and joy.
I am greatful for my husband who is always there to support us all and catch us when we falter.
I am inspired by you.
I am grateful for reconnecting with old friends who know me well and love me anyway.
I am inspired by the blanketing silence of a foggy morning that gives me a glimpse of the serenity I long for.
I am GRATEFUL for my life. Without recent surgery, doctors tell me I wouldn't have made it to Thanksgiving.
I am INSPIRED by the selfless, thoughtful, generous and amazing people in the comminuity that I live in.
It is always interesting to see how ones life changes,grows. Life is special and interesting.
Hope you have enjoyed your birthday and will have a blessed new year ahead
Susie <3