perfectionism and claiming shame

I received an email yesterday that said, “I love the idea of a read-along. I don’t think I have shame issues, but if you ever do something on perfectionism, I’ll be the first in line.” Her sign-off was followed by a short little sentence: “PS – they aren’t related are they?”

I emailed her back and explained the relationship between shame and perfectionism – where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. In fact, shame lurks around many of the familiar corners (struggles with authenticity, addiction, judging, blaming, etc).

I loved her response: “You might want to talk about that before we start the read-along. My friends and I know that we struggle with perfectionism, but we don’t claim shame.”

Claiming shame. I love that.

I just wrote a definition of perfectionism for an article. I know it sounds weird, but writing and reading this definition has helped me so much in my own life (as a struggling perfectionist and a mom).

Here’s what I have:

"Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: “If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Perfectionism is defeating and self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.

Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough so rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right.

Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: 'It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough.'

To overcome perfectionism we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgment, and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self-compassion.

When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves and we begin to practice shame resilience, we can embrace our imperfections. It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts and strengthen our most meaningful connections." B. Brown (2009).

This an on-going struggle for me. A daily practice – like authenticity. Having words wrapped around the feelings is always helpful to me (in case you didn’t notice).

This definition also helps me get my head around the vast differences between perfectionism and healthy striving (when you're striving to be better for yourself and for positive reasons, not to avoid shame, blame, and judgment). It also explains why perfectionism is the enemy of creative work and any other type of risk-taking.

We'll talk more about this during the read-along, but I’d love to hear your thoughts now.  Ideas? Suggestions?

Comments

[Briana]

So I am definitely a perfectionist and am a person who lives in such a way that my goals are centered around avoiding shame, rejection, and other negative feelings rather than striving for the things I want.
How can I make this shift? It feels like a gigantic leap....
How can I become more shame resilient?
I can see where I want to be, but I don't know how to get there...

[Brené Brown]

i think knowing how perfectionism works and why we're drawn to it is a huge start. think about joining us for the read-along. i think we can help/inspire/support each other!

[Cheri Andrews]

While I don't really consider myself a perfectionist, and the purely logical side of me knows that perfection is highly overrated, I also know that emotionally I tend to think life would be better if I lost weight, got in shape, was a more consistent parent (3 teenage daughters), etc. I know this all feeds into my fear of not being accepted or connected so to the extent that I'm striving for some degree of perfection that I've been unable to attain, I can see where shame would follow just around the corner. I'm looking forward to the read-along as I continue my own quest to be the best possible version of myself.

[Kimberly]

Wow... I never even looked at perfectionism that way before and reading what you just wrote clicked on the floodlight switch in my head! I can easily see now how my striving for things to be "perfect" is really an avoidance technique that I try to employ to avoid judgement, and thus, shame. Somehow such avoidance instead backfires and I end up being ashamed on never meeting my "perfect" ideal.

[HSY]

I'm with you. My perfectionism and my shame are intertwined. I didn't learn to navigate shame (or how to handle this powerful emotion) and I learned how to get praise for being a very good girl. So the bind I'm in, between perfectionism and shame, is strong. I look forward to reading your book along with others.

[Annie]

****big lightbulb moment****
This really struck me:

Worried about perceptions-->struggle for perfectionism--> "if I just tried harder..."----> shame/pain/blame/judgment avoidance.

Wow, that's me in a nutshell.

[Ronda]

Hi Brené- Not sure whether you would find this useful for your writing, but June Tangney has written a chapter on this topic (perfectionism & shame). The citation is below. Unfortunately I don't have a copy, but I'm sure she would send you one if you asked. I'm also sending another citation that might be of interest (sounds interesting). It popped up when I was trying to find June's chapter for you.

Tangney, J. P. (2002). Perfectionism and the Self-Conscious Emotions: Shame, Guilt, Embarrassment, and Pride. In: G.L. Flett and P.L. Hewitt, Editors, Perfectionism: Theory, Research, and Treatment, American Psychological Assocciation, Washington, DC, pp. 199–213.

Fedewa, B. A., Burns, L. R., Gomez, A. A. (2005). Positive and negative perfectionism and the shame/guilt distinction: adaptive and maladaptive characteristics. Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 38, Issue 7, 1609-1619.

[Deb Jones]

I live with a perfectionist and use to be one myself. I have learned how easy it is to "inherit" shame from a perfectionist. I plan to join the read along and am hoping I can get my mother the perfectionist to read along too.

[kim mailhot]

Dear Brene,
I just started working with a counselor to deal with the depression and anxiety that I have been living with as a result of my perfectionism, and shame. The idea of learning to be truly self-compassionate feels like a huge hug for my wounded self. When my counselor asked me at the end of my 1st session what I wanted to get out of our work together, my reply was "I like myself the way I am." That is a goal that I can LIVE with.

Your book and your discussions about this topic, as well as the wonderful way you share your own experiences is a great resource and a great source of inspiration for all of us on the path along with you.

Thanks for sharing your vision !
Warmly,
Kim

[kim mailhot]

Oh, and i so love the idea of a read-along !!!

[Brene]

I totally agree that perfectionism is contagious. I've done a lot of interviewing around the issue of perfectionism and parenting. Similar to what I posted about loving ourselves, I don't think we can raise children who are free from the stranglehold of perfectionism if we're still actively stuck. It's an easy thing to pass down.

[The Other Laura]

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, more of a control freak who felt like she was just a mess all the time. Reading your book helped me to see how that in a way is trying to be "perfect" and control everyone else's perception of who I am and how I'm doing.

[gypsy alex]

I'm such a perfectionist and a victim of self shame and self blame. I'm most definitely going to check the read along. And can i just say once again? I so admire your talent for articulating the most complex feelings and behaviors... You're such an amazing writer. You make it look easy! xo

[sperlygirl]

wow --- little bit speechless, lotta "a-ha" -- as i read your post i was seeing some clarity and explanation for my own tendencies and feelings. thank you

[Amalia]

I've been participating in some serious push-back against perfectionism the last year or so. It's really, really tough, especially for someone whose life has been predicated on (over)achievement.
I mean, my friends who really know me and all of my dirty laundry know that I'm not perfect and they love me anyway, right? Sometimes they love me because of my imperfections.

Now to learn to love myself like that....

[Jammie]

Perfectionism...boy I hate that word...and I do not take the word "hate" lightly. In fact, there is little in the world I would say I hate, but perfectionism, yes. I have spent my life battling my own perfectionism and the self-shaming that leads to. I even have a hard time responding here, fighting the urge to read back over it time and again to make sure I have said what I needed to say succinctly...read perfectly.

In truth, I know perfect doesn't exist...not in the way I strive for it. Yet, I find myself constantly battling the perfectionist in my head who always believes I could and SHOULD have done it better. (Ugh, my issues with should are almost as big as my issues with perfectionism.) ; - /

Needless to say, your words today really touched a cord with me. I am eager to explore this...to learn from, and share with, all of you as this read-along journey begins. I am so ready to move through this desire for perfection...to let go of the shame that comes from being less than I believe I should be...

[jen]

I just got your book in the mail a couple of days ago... I think a read-along would be great!!! I think talking through some of these ideas will help...

[malin]

My best friend has called me "P" for perfectionist for the past 25 years. I had to retire from my job (which was based on stats) after 22 years because my blood pressure was 140/100. I weigh myself every morning, exercise every day and worry constantly. Perfectionism is a "disease" and not something that I would wish for anyone to suffer from. I am reading your book now and want to thank you for bringing this issue to light.

[Lillithmother]

I recognize my pathological perfectionism. admiting that is the first step...reading about how to help myself outta the vicious cycle is the second...

thank you for this...passing it onto other pefectionistic friends...

peace,
Lil

[teryll]

Yoosiers, this definition nails it on the head, doesn't it? Clearly, I fall under this umbrella, but not until reading this did I fully wrap my head around it either. When does the read along begin? I just bought the book.

[deb]

My perfectionism comes from a few different places. Or maybe it's all the same place. My father was an angry, depressed man. If I could only get things right, I could avoid his anger, make him happy. Of course that wasn't possible. But he was also a perfectionist, he was the child of two alcoholics and I'm guessing he lived the same sort of life I did, trying to figure out how to make two very unhappy people happy. I spent many years living in fear of making a mistake. I'm only now learning to accept and embrace my mistakes. My mistakes, afterall, are how I learn. I am the product of all the mistakes I've ever made and that's not such a bad thing really. But old habits are hard to let go of, the need for control, for perfection, it's how I ease my anxiety because it's what I learned as a child.

[Annette]

Wow. Your post actually brought me to tears. I have never thought of myself as a perfectionist until recently. I feel ashamed if someone comes to my home and dishes are in the sink. This feeling that everything has to appear perfect has caused me to rewrite and overthink simple work projects. I will never buy cupcakes or cookies for a school event...I have to bake from scratch. People would think I was lazy if I didn't. I am constantly apologizing for things completely out of my control because I blame myself for everything. If a coworker misses a deadline of mine, I take the heat because clearly it was my fault for not reminding her and making sure she knew what was expected. My husband is in a bad mood? Must be because of something I did or said. Why did my son get a C on a test? Because I didn't study hard enough with him...what must his teacher think of me. I can rationally see that this way of thinking is crazy, but how do I stop?

[tania]

"when we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves..." Powerful stuff. Important for me to remember. Thank you for sharing.

[Jen H]

Hi Brene,
I just finished reading a book called "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter - a Woman's Journey from Christian Tradition to the Sacred Feminine" by Sue Monk Kidd. Her story goes right along with the perfectionism and silent shame epidemic that your work talks about, then moves in to ways for women to find their own "authentic power." I am very excited to begin the read-a-long with all of the wonderful women who read your blog, for it is the sharing of our stories and the recognition of that power in each and every one of us that will assist us all in healing the wounds of shame and perfectionism.

Thank you all who share in their comments on this blog, and thank you Brene, for providing the space for us to come together!

[andrea white]

I came to your blog because I needed a dose of your wise counsel. Keep up the good work.

[Kelly]

"There is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying."

Bingo. And, wow. What a powerful explanation. I will be sharing this post with others. Thanks!

[The Other Laura]

I'd like to add this to my earlier comment. I just said "I'm not really a perfectionist" to my mother and she laughed so hard she wet her pants.

[C.R.Kelley]

Perfectionism, shame, trying to control perception, stifling creativity. Wow, Brene, you're singing my song -- only you're on key and I fear I'm humming along hopelessly flat. :-)

I read close to half of your book before I had to return it to the library. I read really slowly, because I want to be sure not to miss anything and to truly understand everything. (Feel free to give me a big ol' eye roll here. lol) Looks like I'll be hunting down a copy of my own to join your read-along!

[Dawn]

Hi Brené ~
I was going to start by introducing myself as a 'recovering perfectionist' ... that was BEFORE I just spent 30 minutes gathering my thoughts about the information I want to share with you and your readers - gathering my books, marking the pages, re-reading a few paragraphs to make sure I have it right, noting sources.

How HUMBLING it is to see that perfectionistic drive in me still going strong, compulsively pursuing that unattainable goal. How ENCOURAGING it is that I DO see it and accept that desire in me without self-criticism nor condemnation. I can look at my compulsion to be perfect, chuckle at the lengths I still go to striving for perfection and then I stop and forge ahead imperfectly, knowing that what I offer is good and good enough.

The start of my recovery came with a study of the Enneagram, the ancient system of self-discovery based on 9 'ways of being'. Each of the 9 ways of being/behavior is different yet all are driven to behave that certain way because it is the ONLY way they will be loved. Type ONE is often called The Perfectionist. ONES believe that only if they are perfect will others love them. It is the mask ONES wear so that others won't see how broken and evil and unlovable ONES really are.

For me, it has been a spiritual tool. In using it in my faith journey, it has helped me shed the unhealthy aspects of my compulsion toward perfection and instead move into the strong, healthy world-changing aspects of my perfectionism ... such as courage to speak the truth, belief that things can be better coupled with willingness to work hard toward improvement, a strong sense of justice, fairness and advocacy, honesty and integrity, attention to details. Desire to give the best of myself in every moment because it is how I am most 'me' and how I honor others.

Brené, have you come across much writing about the Enneagram? Perhaps a look at the Enneagram Type ONE will help in your definition of perfection for the article ... Any book search will yield lots of titles. Don Richard Riso & Russ Hudson and Father Richard Rohr are leading authorities on the Enneagram. I look forward to reading more from you.

Blessings

[Brené Brown]

thanks for all of your great comments - I appreciate your honesty and insight!

two things - love sue monk kidd - "when the heart waits" is one of my all-time favs.

and laura - always good when we can make our moms wet their pants. brava!

[Deb]

I have been aware of my perfectionism for thirty years. I have been sober that long and also in recovery from an eating disorder.
But the perfectionism pops out constantly, in fact when I think I am being resilient, someone else's perfectionistic expectations bump up against me and then I feel shame. I don't think I realized it was shame till I started your book. I thought I was feeling defensive and angry at other people's expectations.
I am surrounded by shaming perfectionistic people! MY dad is the worst, shamed me my whole life, my husband is also working on his perfectionism and I have a friend whom I am wondering if she is a friend at all considering how often I feel shame at her comments!
Very excited about the read along!

[crystalyn]

THIS IS ME. i've been recognizing it more and more the last few years and a while ago decided that it is so detrimental to me, my life and now with three children, to them.
in the past i've called my perfectionism, perfectionitis. (http://littleofthisthatandtheother.blogspot.com/2008/04/perfectionitis.html) i recognize there have been so many times i have stalled my own growth and learning because i'm afraid to share something i've done until it's "perfect."

since then, i've been striving to be more compassionate to myself...it's so hard. especially when things in my life feel a little out of my control. that is when my perfectionitis wants to kick into high gear. i'm learning to be gentler with myself and what i've found is by doing so i have a well of compassion for other people that is so easy for me to tap into.

your book has been helping me so much with all of this. i'm so glad i found it.

[molly]

Healthy striving, vectoring towards your dreams is life-force-giving. But it needs to be fluid, and one has to be fully allowing of the present moment while being one-pointed in pursuits, whatever they may be.

[Rosa]

I don't even know how I stumbled here exactly....But here I be.

I always thought my perfectionism had more do with my fear of success...after all, if a task is never finished we can't own the success of it or move along to another task.
But I never really looked at the other side before today. That it's also about how I want others to perceive me in a, I never want to disappoint you kind of way....In that gut wrenching, I am not good enough song I sing to myself.

Deb says, I thought I was feeling defensive and angry at other people's expectations. Yep. Me too. And now...uhhh....I need to examine this. I just got done apologizing to a friend for being a disappointment to him....And at the same time feeling angry he placed me on a pedestal.

I was let go from my job Friday. Shame. Not good enough. Not wanting him my best friend to see my own disappointment and shame. Falling from grace so to speak. Breaking my legs falling off the pedestal. Trying to hard to be something I am not. Perfect. But scared to death his love will leave for that very same reason. Not Perfect. Absurd isn't it?

Interesting what this says about placing others love before our own self loving behavior.
How little we trust others as well as ourselves.
How easy we set ourselves up for failure.

I curious...all comments from women....

Mahalo...for being here for me today.

[B.]

My challenge is the boundary between being gentle with myself and being defensive re others' maladaptive behaviors/feelings. If I'm not somewhat self-critical or self-exploring the tendency seems to be to slide into narcissistic self-justifications.

It is easy to yearn for black-and-white solutions, but even in the grays I struggle. How can I determine whether I'm being too harsh or too self-serving?

[Donné]

For many years I thought this was my middle name. "Shame on you" "Aren't You a shame of yourself" "You should be a shamed of yourself" and on and on and on. Shame has been the running thread my whole life. I so appricate all that has been writen on this site. We are all brave for taking this step to communicate what is deepest in our hearts and help one onther. Thank you so very much Brené for being courageous an sharing your life with us, and mentoring us.

Donné

[Amie aka MammaLoves]

The biggest regrets in my life all center around perfectionism.

Since I was little I never wanted to do something or take a chance unless I knew I would be a success. Fear of failure has prevented me from undertaking many adventures that I've seen my friends try. I am left often wondering what if...

I hope this is the sort of perfectionism we'll be addressing too.

As I'm thinking about it more, I realized I was going to say I'm not a perfectionist in other ways but that's not true. I'm a terrible housekeeper, I'm out of shape, I haven't really decorated my house and I would have said that all points to me not be in a perfectionist, but I realize I gave up on those things because I couldn't be perfect at them--rather than being happy with mild success.

Boy I think I'm in for some big awakenings here.

[JackieKU]

hi all,

I am newbie here and , worrying to get some things here.

Sorry for my bad english i m Belarus

Thanks.


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[Colette]

My thoughts and despair is that eventhough one my claim the shame and hear the blame and own the condition and even dissolve the tension or beliefs surrounding it .. it can still be a daily game.

It comes back rerouting hidden in another form. The guesswork starts all over again and resistance has taken another form and .. denial .. unbelief .. blaming someone else .. not taking care of .. believing in yourself.

I'm relearning for another aspect of me that is very different to know.

[Nereida Bucio Gomez]

Yes, a big difference between perfectionism (an impossible) and becoming a better version of yourself (an ongoing process).

[bike sales]

Best wishes!

[Kelly]

This is my mode of living in writing. It doesn't work long term and what I know is that I am very lonely inside. It is also the insanity of "never enough". No matter how good, how much, how many there is also the feelings lurking of "what do I need to do now". Driving myself crazy and yet it is so auto pilot I am not sure I know how to stop, change, shift and am genuinely afraid that I can't or that I won't because of the fear.

[Mary]

I love my perfectionism....it's the rest of the world I can't live with!!

[Yorinda]

Hi Brene,

so glad that I have found your writing. It is really helping me to understand shame, etc in way that is very useful to the work I am doing on myself with counselling and Inner Child work.
I love reading your book "The Gift of Imperfection" and will look forward to your other books too.

Thank you so much for you open and honest writing!
Love and Joy
from
Yorinda

[Alan]

I made complete sense of this when connecting it to my daily experience. Thanks Brené, with your thoughtful and insightful wording, I give new meaning to my experience. It's this better understanding that feels so relieving, specially when I realize here that I'm not the only one living going through this. Btw, I loved your second TED talk! It was totally evident to me that you are living what you're sharing with us, I felt it. Best regards from Peru, Alan.

[CJ]

Several weeks ago, I stumbled on to your TED talk online and loved it - what an eye opener! What courage you have, Brene.

During vacation last week during perhaps the most vulnerable time of my life - we just buried my best friend who died completely unexpectedly - I decided to read 'I Thought It Was Just Me'. It was one of the most difficult yet inspiring books I have ever read in my life. I knew that I struggled with perfectionism but I have never claimed my shame. And even after many years of therapy, I find the thought of dealing with my shame head on completely terrifying and don't know where to start. I can't imagine where I begin to be compassionate with myself. And yet here I am taking the first baby steps on what is sure to be a tremendous journey of growth.

I have just started reading 'The Gifts of Imperfection' and love the idea of a read-along. When does it start?