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Our April mother-daughter book club read!
Interesting.
I'm totally addicted to this Houston band. I recently met Eric, the incredibly talented trumpet player - very cool guy. The sound is new and old and just awesome. I love this entire album. "Maybe It's True" is haunting to me.
"Who am I?" is my favorite. Wow!
Melody is such an incredible song. Thanks to Krista for sharing this treasure!
06.24.2009 | by Brené Brown | in this I believe Share Article Email Article Print Article 55 Comments 
Reader Comments (55)
On another note, I identified so dramatically with your hair cut debacle! A few years ago I went to an up market salon outside of London - just a month after my wedding with hair a dozen inches or so down my back - to get a haircut to help me feel fresh and inspired. Like you, I took in "inspiration" photos which both showed shots of hair long on top and ending between ear and shoulder. Let me say now, I have curly hair. FYI - Curly hair gets curlier when short (a fact I thought was universally known by those in hairdressing). When I showed the pics to my French stylist, she also nodded as if she knew just what to do. An hour or so later, I left the salon crying...with my hair 1.5 inches long all over my head! When my hubby came to collect me, he did NOT recognize me, thinking I was a BOY! My original lubricant to separate from my shame was a bottle of vodka...but when we returned to the salon (this time to see the owner), it was my hubby who acted as my personal spokesperson. I hope that today, having become more aware, I might've been able to let go of the shame to stand up for myself.
Cheers~ Anj
-David
I totally agree with the social lubricant. We don't know how to be alone anymore. We are uncomfortable being alone. I'm working on that for myself. I want to be comfortable with myself. I don't know an answer to how though. I try to meditate/do yoga type things and to center my thoughts a bit. It helps me somewhat.
I love your hair story. It's funny because when I first found your blog I totally loved your hair and would ask you where you got it cut if you lived where I live.
You make some great points about cell phones as social lubricants and armor. Wow, yes!
I also really connected to what you said about living beyond...OK, I forget how you said. Living beyond our real human capacity. This is a huge issue and I think we need to keep talking about it and then do something about it, starting with each of our own lives.
You're right - people DO use cell phones as protection. I think some people are simply afraid to be alone. Others aren't comfortable with their own company. Others need to seem popular and who's more popular than someone whose cell phone is ringing off the hook, or who has umpteen people to call?!!? And then there's that person who tries to make himself or herself seem more important when they're on their cell phone - I must say, it annoys the living daylights out of me when I call my sister's personal cell phone and her message says, "You have reached Dr. Patricia C. Please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."
I want to scream into the phone, every time: "You have a PhD - you're not curing cancer!"
It's not a work phone, it's her personal phone!
Having a cell phone glued to your ear doesn't make you popular, or important when you're ignoring others, and being rude and annoying!
It just makes you ignorant, rude and annoying!
I do agree that we use our cell phone's as protection. I'm that person who, when alone, desperately tries to call someone on the phone. I've discovered that the reason for my fear is that when I'm alone, I start to think of things like, "are people looking at me, is someone here that I know and will they be shocked when they see how much weight I gained, etc, etc. So in order to shut off these voices in my head, I just pick up my phone and start calling anyone. I hope this is making sense and not making me sound like I need to be institutionalized.
I am working on these issues. I do want to be comforable in my own skin and connect with others.
I have used my cell phone as armor. There is a woman at work that I really do not like being cornered by, and if we are leaving at around the same time, I have picked up my phone to "talk" to someone in order to avoid being roped into the latest drama when we're in the parking lot. I will have to make sure I have my ringer off if I employ this strategy inthe future, lol.
One more thing: I have never met another person with the same spelling of my name before - hello to the other Krys visiting the blog. :)
I completely agree with the idea of cell phones and other technology being used as social lubricants and particularly as armor. I too struggled with using alcohol and drugs as social lubricants during my college years. I believe that technology is just as dangerous, though more socially acceptable, form of addiction. I work at a boarding school for “at risk” teens (aren’t they all at risk?) and we have students here with all sorts of addiction issues, including technology addictions.
When pain is experienced, and we don’t have any appropriate coping mechanisms, we seek to hide. and what is a more available hiding spot than a cell phone or a television or a computer? And one has the support of popular culture. Just as alcohol and cigarette ads have historically depicted the users of their products as the coolest, most sophisticated, “don’t you want to be me?” people, current media images depict technology use as defining the pinnacle of success. Personally, I find this trend heart-breaking.
My husband and I have retreated from this modern phenomenon. No cell phones, no satellite TV, and internet access only at our workplace. Frankly, we are so busy at home I don’t know that we would have time for anything else. and we do have a DVD player for our old TV- movie watching in the evening is one of our guilty pleasures! This is probably a form of hiding in itself, although I know it provides me with the space to interact with other people. If I was under the constant barrage of advertisements and cell phone calls, I think I would need some armor too.
It is interesting that all the things that have been invented to make our lives easier and more convenient have led us apart from each other. It seems that our culture is on a track to convenience itself to death.
Many times I have been out with a friend and have been guilty of being physically present with the person in front of me while, at the same time, responding to someone else via text or cell phone. Ironically, I see the disconnectedness of this new social phenomenon when I observe others talking or texting in front of someone else. My "smart phone" gives me instant cyberspace connection to several people at once. I inadvertantly lose physical and emotional connectedness with the person I am with.
Chronic cell phone use is symptomatic of the "exhaustion as status" syndrome so many people suffer from. We bolster our sense of importance by always being at work since we can receive our emails, surf the web, and text on our Blackberrys 24/7. I bought my first "smart phone" when I started graduate school last August. It didn't help that I was on-call after hours and on weekends for HAWC for four years prior to starting at the GCSW. My cell phone was already an appendage. With the smart phone, I am now in full-blown addiction mode! No boundary issues here! LOL!
I am grateful for the enlightenment of your post aimed at sensitizing cell phone users to be aware of the message being sent to the people not on the phone with us. The message comes across loud and clear that the people in front of us are less important than the person on the phone. It is easy to see how devalued and disrespected our actions can cause people to feel. Excellent reminder to slow down and pay attention!
I have been reading your blog for a while now, and can never seem to find the time to post comments. Yes I know, i need to take time! I saw you speak for the first time in 2006 at the Hazelten Womens conference, then again this past April in Minneapolis. I actually approached you just before you spoke and reminded you how important/crutial your lectures are to our population of professionals, so thank you for that. I have downloaded your podcasts from the read along and I am working on listening to them as I work out on the elipitcal! I know I am slow, but better late than never. I am enjoying very much listening to them. I actually love your work so much I catch myself rewinding my Ipod, on some really good material, and when I talk with a client and present some of your material, I actaully present with some of your accent!!!!!! And let me tell you this born and bred Minnesota girl sounds really silly with a southern accent.
Well, I am posting to comment on your recent podcast regarding cell phone, dignity and the chicken dance. My husband must think im crazy, I was sitting in the back bedroom, laughing, with YOU of course! What a wonderful story of humility. Thank you for sharing. I really enjoy listening to your podcasts, and I am truly inspired by your humanity.
Personal Story: Today, I called the company whom I purchased my computer from, becuase I spent like an extra $100.00 for one of those silly protection packages through Office Depot, I thought getting tech support would be easy. Boy, was I wrong... my cord is suffering from a short, and I was requesting a new one. Long story short, and a lot of frustration later, I managed to get through the 45 minute long conversation without completely losing it. I kept thinking, "that is a person on the other line, a person with a family, probably with a diet coke sitting next to her and with plans after work." That kept it real for me. It gets really easy to be short with the person on the other end of the line, when you can't see their face, or their annoyingly following procedure. Thanks for inspiring me to be a better person. Its nice to have a reminder, since we do work with people in all..... I think I am going to change my ringtone to the chicken dance!
As far as empathy and mindfulness I was have quite a morning yesterday so to turn 'the mood around' I stopped at a Dunkin Donuts, popular here in the Northeast for coffee, donuts, etc and I purchased a medium black coffee for the officer who kindly directed me through construction. I got all the condiments stirrer, sugars, milk, cream in hand to give him. When I pulled the car up and stepped up to introduce myself he was somewhat surprised and then said 'thank you, I appreciate this'. I said no, thank you...you've already changed my mood and with that I was off.
Wonderful Post, Wonderful!!
Trish
patriciadolan@comcast.net
I'll also confess to sometimes using my pager as an escape device to elude people I'm really not excited to have conversations with. Not often, but it has happened more than once.
Another huge cell phone pet peeve of mine is when people talk on the phone while they are eating dinner together. To me, this is way, way beyond rude. I remember one time in particular, my husband and I were at a local Mexican food restaurant for lunch, and a husband and wife were there, having lunch with their infant. He talked on the phone for business THE ENTIRE TIME. Having been a stay at home mom, I recognized that this was probably one of the only adult interactions this woman had her entire day, and her husband made it abundantly clear that she was not important enough to put down the phone. If he didn't have the time for her, he should have never invited or accepted her invitation to lunch. I was furious.
Anyways, you're a rock star! Thanks for all your insight!
Thanks for the podcast. It was great!
I have been guilty of talking on the phone when out in public. I feel shame when I think I am too loud so have learned its best if I don't especially since my voice seems to carry... Its the idea of accessibility you can go shopping, talk to five friends and email those five friends all under 20 minutes. Its baffling. Not an excuse for talking while someone is checking you out at the store or at least say excuse me and tell the person you can call them back. We are a "I want it now" society and it looks like it will only get worse unless we take control and notice this. We can really talk to anyone with a cell phone who is anywhere in the world, which is great accept when we aren't willing to be aware and respectful of others around us.
I think that this blog is a great way to do that. We really could benefit from understanding that we need to be aware of how we are perceived and how us being on the phone, looking away or even making a face can be seen as rude. Those reactions I think make others unwilling to want to get close to us. I think the unwillingness to connect to others is out of fear more than not caring. We would have to feel and feeling can cause us to think of our issues, pain or other emotions.
I have used cellphones a lot of times to avoid feeling lonely, at airports/bus stops but I try not to. And I do know that its when I am not comfortable where I am. I am getting more aware of that now. And I see a change coming my way.
Once I was so afraid to encounter my ex-boyfriend (with his friend) that I just called my friend and kept talking to her till he went. And I also do it when I am afraid of returning home late at night...
And I am so thankful that I have the ability to understand and appreciate this. And somehow the assurance that I am not asking for too much from the people I call friends makes me feel a lot better.
Another thing which comes to my mind is that I doubt if everyone really understands and appreciates this in my daily life. With them I am also becoming more and more unavailable because I cannot take that kind of behavior anymore. So, I wonder where is the line where we say Enough is Enough.
Well.. I adore this work, and love writings and your podcasts very much! You are doing such great work.
Best,
*I have been guilty of talking on my phone in front of people, but since I have started my MSW, I guess I've been trying to "grow-up" and try my absolute hardest to not be on the phone when I'm in front of someone assisting me. They work, I work; recognition of that and common courtesy should not be beneath us... and flashing a nice smile and saying simple things like "thank you" or "have a nice day" can go a long way, especially to someone you can tell is not having a good one.
*Using technology as armor is so true, again I'm guilty of this as well. In my own insecurity, I've been the girl sitting alone at a table trying to call and text people so I don't feel more awkward eating lunch or dinner alone, but that never really has worked. Its almost like I'm trying to protect myself, or maybe how I'm perceived by whoever is around, not really sure. I do that the more comfortable I get with being aware, the easier it is for me to sit alone sometimes and enjoy a mean.
*Two of my closest friends and I were eating a Chili's a couple of weeks ago, and one of them was on his phone texting for much of the time. It had been awhile since we had a chance to all catch up. After a few minutes, the other friend we were with (who incidentally took this class with you during winter break) kindly explained to him this "thing" she has with people being on the phone either talking or texting when we're eating and trying to spend time together; she wanted him to mindful and in the moment with us. He completely understood, and agreed. Sometimes it's as simple as asking, or saying kindly what we expect from others.
Thanks for bringing all of these ideas forward! They are definitely key points that need to be addressed and carefully contemplated to make an impact.
I think this has deep implication for the next generation, who was 'born' into all this technology. It's sad to sit at a restarant and watch 4 adolsecents who are clearly friends spend 30 minutes hunched over their respective phones and never say a word to each other. In high school now, asking someone out, and breaking up with them is often done via text messages- and this is not an insult, but a norm (clearly, I'm getting old over here).
The blog made me crack up, because I've done the same thing with my phone.
This reality is disturbing, and I think that without a change, we are raising our children to be over-booked and disconnected from other human beings. I can't tell you how many times I see kids in stores playing a portable video game. I've heard parents say that it keeps them quieter or better behaved. But what is it doing to their ability to interact with others and create meaningful relationships? Will they know how to really be present and engaged with others when the video game can't "save" them? It seems to me that a destructive cycle can form which reinforces a sense of isolation and further need for artificial social lubricant.
I am certainly not immune from using my cell phone as armor. I really do make an effort to acknowledge those around me though and send them the message that they have worth and dignity. It's so important to pass along that message.
Thanks for your thoughts. Your blog is a bright spot in my day.
I find it refreshing that you can share stories such as your hair disaster with humility and humor. Nice illustration drawing from your own personal experience on how you use your cell phone as lubricant.
I too, agree with you that often times we forget how inconsiderate we can be while on cell phones. I distinctly recall moving back to the United States after a 2 year career stint on the islands of Saipan and Guam. I left the mainland in 1996, only to return in 1998 wildly surprised that people were using cell phones in lieu of pay phones. I also could not believe people were using them at the dinner table.
Of course, it was a matter of time before I owned one and found myself using on...at the dinner table...just like everybody else. Guilty as charged.
Thanks for reminding me to be aware. I too have waited tables. Being ignored or treated like a second class citizen can be painful.
I could not agree with you more! I have to admit that I am guilty of this. When I get upset with my significant other I am quick to pick up my cell phone and just ignore the entire situation. It makes him angry, of course. Not to mention it makes him feel completely unheard and unimportant. I use my cell phone as a barrier to dealing with what it really happening—after all twittering, on my blackberry is much more entertaining then an argument. However, I have cheated myself and my relationship—for it is from this engaging of my emotions where the true growth is made.
Connection within my relationship and with others begins with the simplest of things—eye contact, acknowledgment, smiles, thank yous, etc. Have we become so hung up on technology that we have forgotten these humanistic, natural acts of compassion? I love your podcast and your blog on this issue! Your reasons for this shift in customer service are enlightening and true.
What concerns me so much about this issue is that we are modeling this behavior with our children: promoting extensive computer usage, texting, video games. I cannot tell you how dramatically this affects the youngest in our society. Our kids are at risk of growing up feeling uncomfortable with true human interaction between peers.
Tamika Harvey (shame class)
I think that cell phone usage while making transactions with people in the service industry comes down to respect and decency, and unfortunately some people are just clueless when it comes to it. I have been in a restaurant before and watched people order dinner, book vacations, make plans for the evening, download music, and chat internationally on their laptop without even looking up once to make eye contact with the waiter. I think eye contact alone would at least be an acknowledgment of this person's existence in the room. This is not uncommon, because he or she is not the only one in the restaurant with a laptop, therefore sees no harm in what he or she is doing. On the flip side, I have had experiences where people in the service industry are on their cell phones while providing services. I think it just validates the disconnection among people in society as a whole these days due to technology. Why would there be a need to connect with a complete stranger when you have 75 people saved to your cell phone contact list?
Wow, I can definitely relate to your story regarding the cell phone ringing. Something like that would happen to me. I am just not graceful when it comes to situations like that. I would probably have something like that happen to me and then drop a huge cherry icee or something on the way out the door after ranting about my bad hair. It is that "being on the opposite side of the counter" I think that sometimes initiates these types of behaviors when services are not up to your expectations or when you think you have been "wronged". It's easy to grab your cell phone and walk right back up to that counter, and make it know that "hey i'm important, and you need to fix it". It is the horrible aftermath of scenarios like this that will most likely leave us feeling embarrassed and ashamed for not handling the situation differently. I think it is so important that in the whirlwind of our busy lives, we take that extra moment to communicate and connect with people, and not utilize "technology as armor".
I absolutely agree with you about not taking time to get off of the cell phone and being respectful. I would rather avoid the check-out counter than to talk on the phone in front of someone providing a service to me. It's just rude! I think it does have something to do with thinking the checker, or cashier at McDonald's or wherever is beneath us, or we are somehow better than them. It would be awesome if we could just climb down from our high-horses for just a minute and realize that people are people, and that respect and kindness are what we all deserve and desire.
As for the cell phone as armor, that could not be more right on as well! I am absolutely guilty of being the person that will pick up my phone when I am alone and feeling uncomfortable in a public place. I never thought of it in those terms, but it is so spot on! My work definitely needs to go into being more comfortable with myself in those type of situations, and shedding my armor.
The hair story and chicken song...hilarious and priceless!! Thank you for being so open to sharing that with us. Your stories are always so great, insightful and very relevant!
In the area of customer service relationship, the customers most times do not realize how stressful it is to attend to people all day. You walk into a business/service providing company, and you see people chatting away on their cell phones, while at trying to get some sort of customer service at the same time. This is very distracting, and most times leads to a very low quality service being given to the customer.
I also found it very interesting when you mentioned that cell phones could be used to curb the fear of being alone. I remember a time when i used to work in Downtown Houston, and i usually got off during rush hour traffic. I noticed that from the ride to the elevator, all the way to the car people were constantly talking o their cell phones, not minding that their voices were loud. I discussed this discovery with my co-workers, and i was surprised to learn that they indulged in the practice. They also mentioned that without their cell phones, they might as well be dead.
When it comes to the use of cell phones as a social tool, i found it funny when you mentioned in your podcast that your phone rang while pretending you were some top shot. I have to say that i have done the same so many times in trying to get into parties, into the club, or just to seem as if i am connected to the social lop.
Overall, i think cell phones are a very convenient way to stay connected with the world, but at the same time, we should be responsible the way we use them.
Very interesting podcast, i loved it.
Karl Udochukwu
I also hate to drive on the freeway with people that are talking on the cell phone. They are not paying attention, they are driving slow and holding up the traffic. Either hang the phone up and drive or pull over and talk on the telephone.
I am very addicted to my cellphone and blue tooth. I considered it my life line. I didn't realize how much cell phones has an affect on customer service. I think the main reason I am on my cell phone is a connection to the outside world. Many times, I don't have time to spend with my friends and family and I utilized my cell phone to see how they are doing or check on the newest gossip (i..e. death of Michael Jackson). I have caught myself going into a store asking for a particular item while on my cell phone. I admit that I need to do better. I could remember working customer service at Church's in high school and Payless (undergrad). I don't think talking on cell phones a class thing, but a sense of protection. Its like my security blanket. I think the most important thing I got out of your podcast is to be mindful and aware.
One thing I don't like that I have been noticing when I am on dates is how my date constantly text while we on a date. If I try to make a comment they seem like they have nothing to say and you know, I am like okay I get it , you just aren't that into me. But then when we end the date instead of talking on the phone, they text me all night about comments that I made, and how interesting I am and how we should hook up the next day.
I mean really? Have we as a people gotten so detach from human connection that when we are in the moment we are uncomfortable? Is the verbal and nonverbal reactions really that scary? Apparently so in my experience. If anything, I believe technology has made our fear of uncertainty and rejection bigger so instead of getting a physical one-to-one human connection I get CYBERTRON--the computer or phone that speaks for its master. And believe me, it has gotten very annoying talking to CYBERTRON.
Sabrina D. Baker
(The above butchering of the tilde is the result of responding to this podcast from my PHONE! haha!)
My husband and I actually read and listened to this post the night it went up. He wasn't interested in my "shame stuff" at first, but he really enjoyed it once he started listening. It resulted in a long discussion about how we both have been guilty of using a cell phone inappropriately at restaurants, drive thrus, etc. It was tough to acknowledge this because we both could recall times where we felt ignored by someone on the phone and how awful that feels. Ultimately it has resulted in us being much more mindful of our phone use, not only with customer service providers, but with each other.
Through our discussion we realized that we are just as likely to disconnect from each other by using cell phones as guards. I'm grateful that you posted this blog. Not only was it a chance to re-evaluate myself, but it was an opportunity to connect with my husband.
Thanks for helping me to re-ignite my passion for Social Work!
Sabrina D. Baker--shame class summer 09
I can totally relate to the haircut story and the issue of using our cellphones as a guard or shield. Now that you mentioned that about the cellphones I may need to apologize to this lady who works the window at a hamburger & shake stand by the school. Man she is sooooooooooooooooo rude everytime I go there. She has a sign on the window where they take the orders and it reads "Please get off the phone while ordering" WHAT! Are you kidding me? So I no longer go there because she will sit there even if your not on the phone and say "Baby what you WONT! And will go to the next person if you are not ready! LOL!
Isn't it crazy how we see other peoples hair and then we try to get something similar or the same hair style and it never turns out right. I had to realize that DUGH! (I think thats how u spell it) everyones hair is totally different. Especially the texture in our culture.I have felt shame after a haircut and after spending 100 dollars, I swear I had never been so humiliated in my life I was so mad and the hair style was past UGLY!
I am trying to get away from the cellphone as a guard thing I am totally the lady in the restaurant searching for people to call if I am in Pappadeauxs or happy hour waiting on my friends or a male friend to get there. I guess I just feel like the world is looking at me because I am sitting at the bar alone. This is probably not the case people could probably care less.
I strongly agree that there is a big issue with cellphones and a lack of social connection with people.
I used to be a checker at Wal-Mart in Nacogdoches (Go SFA!) when I was an undergraduate student. I have to say... you can connect with people in a check out line. This may have been where my passion for social work sparked. I heard people's stories. you'd be surprised... if you smile at someone, compliment them, say their kid is cute (every mom loves that!), etc. how that little thing can make a difference in someone's day, and also get someone to open up to you. I remember that people would stand and talk to me after they checked out and we'd sometimes have rather lengthy conversations (for a check out ecnouter) about stuff. There was connection there. And we don't realize how much maybe that person needs that, too. what a small gift to give. When I was 19... I needed it. Made me feel good that someone wanted to stand and talk to me when all they had to do was run out with their shopping after the change was returned. and guess what... it did something for them, too! ;) That little extra time acknowledging someone can go a long way.
Also, I believe we are technology crazed. I think people feel an obligation to talk on the phone, to text and check emails b/c people get irritated knowing that you are so accessible and didn't respond. I think society has changed and some changes aren't for the better. And teens...they don't even know how to talk without cell phones. They grew up with a cell phone attached to their ear. We had a looooong cord we would drag all over the house and after a while it got annoying or we'd trip over it if we started pacing while talking. And sometimes I'd use it as a jump rope while on the phone. Times are different now... but again, doesn't make it better. Maybe we should bring back the rotary phone!
And the issue of technology as armor. OOOOH I so agree with this. I have been that women checking to see who I can talk to in times of loneliness or feeling disconnected. The woman waiting somewhere dialing the cell phone? Gulity! And I think part of it is about disconnection. What is so odd about it is that we are more connected now then we ever have been (sorta). And we aren't used to moments" or periods of disconnection. Connection is like a drug now. We don't ever have to be entirely alone (yes, you can still be lonely!). I can jump on Facebook and talk to five different people almost immediately and wait about 20 minutes and 20 more will respond. I get instant gratification from that. UGH! Although, I have an opinion on this too, don't feel that it's true connection, or enough. to me, connection takes eye contact.
We live in a world were we don't have to sit with ourselves. We have access (even if it is rather superficial in my opinion) to many people in an instant through FB, instant message, texting, cell phones, etc.
I remember "back in the day" when there were no cell phones you could call someone's house and get a busy tone for HOURS!!! and there was no connection. (yes, that's right young peeps no call waiting either!) You waited. I still hate that busy tone this many years later! ;) We don't wait for anything nowadays. Instant gratitifaction. We don't have to feel angry and wait until we drive home to get on the phone. It's immediate. Tell that story now! I think that's some of the problem, too... .
K... enough rant. But basically, I agree and then some.
Thanks so much for your research, your passion and your authenticity. It shows and it's great. I respect and appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Lorena
I agree with your points on why this is occuring in the world today. Certainly a lack of awareness, privilege, and use of technology as a sort of armor contribute to the problems of disconnection in society. I have used my cell phone as armor. In fact I may have been the woman at the next table your were talking about. I find myself quickly connecting my bluetooth so that I can have someone to talk to know and not look alone to other or really be alone with myself.
I must say that it concerns me that in our efforts to stay connected through cell phone we often ignore the human connections right in front of us.
For me personally, my phone allows me to work harder than the people around me (ok-I have facebook on my phone, but the point is it looks like I am busy and important) as well as to never have to be alone and truly sit with my thoughts. So, in a way my cell phone not only allows me to be disconnected from people around me, but it also allows me to disconnect with myself when I am feeling too vulnerable.
I appreciate this post, not only does it make me look at our societal disconnection, but also allows me to see my own and why I feel that I need to appear as I think others expect me to.
Thank you for sharing this with everyone,
Adrien
I totally see the disconnection due to cell phones. I can't tell you how many times I am in line at the grocery store behind someone talking on the cell phone and not paying any attention to their surroundings let alone the cashier. Many times it takes forever for them to complete a credit card transaction or they leave keys/change/graceries behind. It is so carzy to be so involved in a conversation that you leave a basket full of graceries behind. During my undergraduate studies, I worked at a furniture store as a receptionist/cashier. Anytime a customer came to pay while on a cell phone, I would politely tell them I'm ready to help once you are done with your conversation. If there where others in line I would politely ask if they mind if I took the next customer while they finished up their conversation. There were mixed responces to my question; some apologetic others eye-rolling and catching attitudes. All-in-all, I never served a customer while he/she was talking on the cell phone. What surprised me is that none of the customers wanted to speake to my supervisor; I guess they knew that they were in the wrong and being rude.
Avionda Wells
i too have a story... not a funny one like yours and i guess, after listening to the podcast and reading your thoughts, i realize that what completely annoyed me when my dad was in the hospital may have been the offending person's "armor" to escape the scary reality of what was actually happening...
here goes, my dad had a mild stroke about two months ago and i was in the hospital with him all day in the ER... you know how that can be. anyway, after all day of bugging the nurses for information and hunting for the ever elusive doctor, my dad's anxiety-ridden girlfriend showed up (she is very nice but there are a few issues). i tried to fill her in on what had ocurred so far and we continued waiting and pleading for audience with the doctor.
my dad's girlfriend, we'll call her tracy, is a major cell phone addict. she's always dialing, texting or it is ringing.
this did not stop at the hospital... to make matters worse she has an extremely loud voice and her phone ringer was turned all the way up. FINALLY, i was able to pin down the doctor and get him to come give us the diagnosis. you just have to imagine tracy's voice, i truly have never heard one like it, it is raspy and phlegmy but somehow manages to still bellow loud enough for anyone in a five mile radius to hear it.
the doctor walks in and, of course, tracy's phone RINGS!!! the soft spoken m.d. is leaning and trying to explain the parts of the brain, what happened, prognosis and so on. all the while, tracy is hollering into the phone. you truly can't imagine a voice like hers and she makes no effort to whisper, exit the room, hang-up etc. the doctor looked at tracy (who was oblivious to the problem as she ranted on the phone), looked incredulously at me and kept trying to communicate with me. i was mortified but all i could do was look at him apologetically...
this behavior continued throughout my father's hospital stay despite all of my efforts at subtle hinting... even telling her that my father's roommate was trying to sleep at 10pm made no impact.
i guess i understand her behavior but i thought and still think it is atrocious.
if you must talk on the phone in such an important situation at least have the decency to whisper or leave the room.
For about 2 years now I have forced myself to put it down or call back. What I realize is that when you are working for nothing in the service others, your expectations get very low. I put the phone down and make eye contact, and it catches the checker by surprise. I smile and tell them to have a fantastic day--and they just about have a heart attack. But I know, from working in various capacities--as a waitress, clerk, gas station attendent--that if one out of every twenty people I encounter is genuine and fully focused on and present with me and our interaction, it will have a tremendous impact on my day. I love being the pleasant surprise in someone's day.
The self-check-out line at the grocery store is an interesting phenomenon as well. How alluring is it to bypass that other human being altogether!
Roxana Mayer (Shame class)
In our home, we have a rule that we do not answer the phone while we eat dinner. Our dinner time is our quality time together and the phone can take a message. Let us remember to live simply and be mindful of others.
Thank you for the wealth of information you presented to our shame class.
take care,
Regina Garza
Also, very fun to see the comments from your students...
Your hair story is a hoot. At least you went in and stood up for yourself. I once wore my hair in a long shag (Farrah Fawcett style). I went to have it cut shorter because I had to have a perm to kep it that way and the lenght of it was pulling out the curl. What I didn't know was that the girl they assigned to cut my hair was fresh from beauty college and it was her first day. As she was cutting I kept hearing this "Oops". After a few of those I asked her to stop, put my glasses on so I could see what was going on and about died. She had been cutting one part of my hair and "caught" another part in with it so that one big swatch of hair in several places was only an inch long. Her manager came over and said, "Oh, I can fix that." and proceeded to cut it all that length. I paid, left without comment and went down the mall and bought a wig that I wore for several months. I was mortified and should have made them cover the cost of the butcher job and the wig but back then I was afraid of my shadow.
However, as a law enforcement officer, I would like to point out that talking or pretending to talk on a cell phone while in a location that frightens or unnerves us only makes us FEEL safe. In reality, it puts us at an increased risked to be victimized. As Brene has so clearly illustrated, cell phone use distracts us, even from our immediate physical surroundings. Some criminals specifically target women on cell phones for this reason. For those who have felt the need to buy cell phone for their kids, this rule absolutely applies to children. Cell phones are a distracting toys in the hands of kids. Please put down the cell phone, effectively size up your situation, listen to your gut (you may want to read Gavin de Backer's The Gift of Fear) and be prepared to respond accordingly.
Oh my ..... one of my biggest shameful story's is from back in the day when I made sub sandwiches. This was before Subway and mandatory glove use. The knives we used to slice the buns were so sharp and we were always cutting ourselves. We didn't want to bleed on the food so we put band-aids on. But because we were washing our hands before we made a sub the band-aids were often wet. Yuck. Oh ... this story is so gross and makes me feel like such a loser every time I tell it (which isn't often). Anyway, after making one sub and sending it off with the customer, I realized my band-aid had gone missing. Yeah. Well not 15 minutes later the customer called to tell me he found a band-aid in his sub. So, so, so, so gross. He was SO kind about it. I acted like it wasn't my band-aid and apologized and wondered how that could have happened. Sigh. I offered him his money back and a new sub (as IF anyone would want to eat a sub again after that ... but he took it). I NEVER told my boss or anyone I worked with. I was SO thankful I was working alone that shift. When I got home I was in tears when I told my husband. I really, really hate telling that story. :)