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coming of age
I have age dsymorphia. Seriously, sometimes I actually think I’m a lot younger than I am. Here’s a great example: Last year I was working with my dear friend Dawn at the high school where she is a social worker. I had to walk across campus to pick up some paperwork, and right before I walked out of her office door, I turned to her and said, “Do I need a hall pass or something?”
She looked confused. “No. Why would you need a hall pass?”
Without even pausing to consider what I was about to say, I replied, “I don’t want anyone to hassle me about being in the hall during class. You know . . . like I’m a student or something.”
She started to chuckle until she realized I was serious. She tried to keep a straight face as she explained, “I don’t think that’s going to happen. We’re older than a lot of the teachers. We’re the same age as the parents.”
There are days – even long periods of time – when I just can’t get my head around the fact that I’m an adult. I kinda forget. Then, boom! Some odd thing happens and my grown-up-ness slaps me across the face.
There are two things that always force me back to midlife reality:
1. When Steve leaves town and I’m alone with the kids.
Steve spent last week working in a pediatric clinic in a small village in Hondurus. On Wednesday, I was sitting at my computer writing when I was overwhelmed by the idea that I was completely in charge of the kids.
“If I don’t pick them up from camp, they’ll stay there until they’re adopted by a teacher or sent to foster care. If I forget to feed them, they’ll go hungry. If I forget to bathe them, they’ll be dirty.” I worked myself into a complete frenzy. I kept thinking, "Holy crap! Who thought it was a good idea to leave me in charge?”
It was absurd. It was very similar to the feeling you get when you’re standing next to a fire alarm and you think to yourself, “What if I reach over and pull it?” At first you giggle and try to shrug off the thought. Yet, for some reason, you can’t shut down your imagination. You start thinking, “What would happen? I’m losing control. I’m going to do it!” Of course, you don’t. Just like I don’t leave my kids at camp or let them go hungry or forget to bathe them. But it’s weird.
2. When I rent a car.
I can NOT believe that people are willing to hand me the keys to a car that doesn’t belong to me. I can’t get out from underneath all of those years of “not being old enough” or “not having a credit card in my own name.” I always think to myself, “Aha! I’ve fooled them. The fake ID worked. They think I’m 21!”
For a long time, I thought it was just me (hey! that would be a great book title), but my mom told me that she feels the same way when she sees all of the condiments in the inside door of her refrigerator. That’s her “OMG! I’m a grown-up!” moment. Steve’s moment is preparing taxes on a 20-page form rather than the trusty EZ form from days gone by.
I’ve studied emotions long enough to know that vulnerability is the culprit in these situations. Most of the time, the power of our free will and the reality of our responsibilities stay in our subconscious. However, on occasion when provoked, the sheer magnitude of potential chaos can overwhelm us with a sense of vulnerability. That, in turn, can trigger anxiety: Pull the alarm! Don’t pull the alarm! I can’t pull the alarm! Oh, but I can!
Just for fun, what experiences trigger your “OMG! I’m a grown-up!” vulnerability?
If you don’t have one, please make up something so I don’t think that I’m crazy.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Reader Comments (68)
As I work on my second Masters degree, I feel old when I reflect back on my carefree college days when I was single, able to stay up all night and cram/write papers. Now I am constantly interrupted by little people and fall asleep by nine..ha,ha...
How my life has changed in almost twenty years!
Although I am, at 48, exactly the age my mother was when I blessed her with her first granddaughter, I am IN NO WAY ready to be a grandmother! I'm NOT grown up enough! I can't be! I FEEL like I'm maybe 32 or 33... My Mom started having kids at 17. I don't want my daughters following in her footsteps.
Sometimes in the grocery store when I glance down at my cart while I'm waiting in line, I think who's cart is this? I never imagined I would ever be buying this much milk!
I am constantly shocked that I am allowed to be the teacher. It scares me to think I am responsible for teaching them how to read, add double digit numbers, get fractions, etc...Aren't old ladies supposed to do that?
Being in charge of my medical records/appointments/treatments/follow-up at MDA. That's for really old, sick people.
Getting a room at a hotel. I feel like I'm gonna get caught. Enough said.
My 1st year of kindergarteners have graduated from college. That's just weird.
Ex- students find me on FB.
I constantly feel like I am a stowaway in a grown-up's life. The feeling never goes away. Glad to know I'm not the only one!
I'm still not that good at remember my age. I usually have to count up to it. And I'm not even old... just 23. Odd.
I went from college kid, living at home with her mom & little bro, fighting with them, rebelling against assignments and frustrating teachers.. to living with a man, being pregnant with our child, realizing that I'm (one of the) one(s) that is calling the shots now.. just in the span of month (at least thats how everything went from a to z, it's been longer now. My mom has been surprisingly respectful of my space & adulthood and i'm just all like "Wait.. why aren't you telling me what to do?!?! Not that i'm complaining! But really, why aren't you doing my dishes?! They are starting to smell."
& all of it was planned & by choice, it just happened so quickly & at an age where most of my friends are still bar hoping in celebration of an A paper, so it's extra surreal!
When I'm sitting in the doctors office, reading parenting magazines is when it hits me the hardest. I'm like OH CRAP, Who let me in here? I don't think i'm old enough to be allowed in here!
xo
as i'm typing this my daughter starts fiddling with a VCR we pulled out recently, "what's THIS?" she says. ok, i am feeling the age. ;-D
I can do this...but it still shocks me that anyone would think I COULD!
But, I think that forgetting how old you are is a REALLY good thing. It's when you start feeling OLDER than you actual are that you should be worried!
The "I'm an adult" thing hits me, as someone else mentioned, at the grocery store---I don't know if I'll ever get over my ability to get whatever I decide to. So much of my youth was spent walking to the store with a list from my mom, terrified I'd lose the $20 bill. And then on university food plans for 8 yrs! And then growing food as a Peace Corps volunteer...okay, now it doesn't seem so weird to me that this is still a novel thing:-)
Also when my husband goes out of town and I listen to the house and imagine it falling apart and trying to remember how to turn off the water in an emergency. The house intimidates me when he's gone. I can juggle the three little boys, but let a sprinker head burst and I'm in big trouble!
...but...
A week or so ago we went to the local pool with some friends and their teen-ish kids(probably the first time I've been to a community pool in nearly 20 yrs). At one point the lifeguards blew their whistles and the "adult swim" announcement was made... and I groaned, and dutifully got out of the pool along with all the under 18 crowd. Didn't even think twice about it til we were halfway to our deckchairs, when all of a sudden it struck me that I'm one of the adults now and could've stayed swimming!!! *sigh*
I remember that my mother was 39, the age I am now, when she had her mastectomy. I remember when my dad, sister, and I threw a surprise party for my mom turning 40 (I was 15). I can't possibly be her same age. That was like yesterday! I couldn't possibly have a child that old. My kids are only 9 and 4.
Or maybe it's when I'm doing a counseling session with a client who is sharing his or her most private thoughts and feelings. I am still a bit freaked out sometimes but glad that I am an adult and have the privilege to do this work that I couldn't possibly do if I were younger.
I was certainly feeling my age and i started taking a good look at my life. I have spent my whole life being the "responsible, dependable, the adult one". I take care of others so well but not myself and I was feeling old and boring and basically unhappy. Finally this year, i have gone forward and filed for divorce and despite being downsized by my company in the middle of that, I am the happiest I've been in years. I'm starting to learn how to have fun and balance that with my "dependable" side. Went fishing and four wheeling for the first time...and have more plans to go do things I enjoy but haven't done in years....and try new things too...
So, I am learning to be a kid again and in some ways that has been my "ah-ha" moment of being a grown up...Learning to take care of myself in ways i've never done before ....
I don't *FEEL* almost 49. I *FEEL*, oh, around 25 (except when I get up in the morning and there are achy parts...).
The moment? When I refer to my stepdaughter as my daughter and no one blinks an eye - and she's going to be 31 years old in a couple weeks!
HOW.CAN.I.POSSIBLY.BE.OLD.ENOUGH.TO.HAVE.A.31-YEAR-OLD.DAUGHTER?
AND when I figure out that if the average age a woman in the US lives to is 85, I'M.ALREADY.PAST.HALFWAY.TO.MY.GRAVE.
Great, that's depressing!!!
Now that my mom has been gone three years, I have accepted that I may not be the same kind of "adult" as my mom, but I have definitely earned my stripes. Whatever kind of grownup I am is OK.
This month an 18-year-old at church told me his mother was 37--which is younger than me!!! HOLY CRAP! I could have an 18-year-old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank God I don't act like an almost-40-year-old. I may look like it. But I don't act like it!!!!!!
Great post!
When in a group of people who are in their early 20s....Suddenly someone would start asking or mentioning how they have enough time to do this and that in the future .. and then they would ask me when I would get married .. and then subtly they would mention their own age. I feel that they judge me and they try to say.. Oh God, she doesn't really have time. I hate those moments... I think I am quite vulnerable at these times..
Thanks for making me think consciously about this..
My grown up moments? I'm frequently forced to have them at work just because of the nature of what I do. That aside, when I deal with my taxes every year that's a big one. And about once a month I'll drive up the driveway to my house and think, "This is MY house and I love it. I really am a grown-up. Damn. When did THAT happen?"
I am not only grown up but a grandmother splurging on huge gifts and wanting to do nothing but spoil my beautiful Jaxon. At the same time, I can't believe I am a grandmother.
And I always feel my age when I realize that I have memories of my mom when she was my age. I was in fifth-grade and she was a GROWN-UP. And not in a cool "I have my own place and no curfew" way like my babysitter but a full-on, "eat your vegetables", check-book balancing adult.
But I also felt my age the other day when I was remembering how many hours we spent playing in my neighbour's playhouse as a child. And then I looked around and realized I now have a real house of my own with real dishes and real furniture and a real porch swing. Sometimes being a grown-up is not so bad.
I was abruptly reminded a few years ago when the band was at our house rehearsing for a party we were going to do. It was 10PM on Saturday and we were finishing up when one of my neighbors apparently called in a noise complaint. ( I was horrified! ) The very rookie officer who came out to investigate had to be a few years younger than my kids, and when he walked in the den to confront the noisemakers, he could barely keep a straight face! We all laughed and he confided that he actually thought we sounded pretty good from the porch, but perhaps we should knock it off for the evening. I still wish I could have been a fly on the wall when he got back to the station....
My 72 yr old grandma still tells me that she doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up. :) I love the fact that she doesn't feel her age. I want to be just like her when I grow up. Taking classes, learning how to make jewelry and still fully living life.
My OMG I'm an adult moments come up every day since I work with teenagers. It is so funny because they think "you're an adult, you must know" HA! boy do they have surprise coming!
My husband and I don't have children so we often stay up too late, eat junk food, leave the kitchen a mess. and when one of us asks Why? the other always says:
"We can do whatever we want, we have No Parental Supervision!"
Pretty liberating!
Thanks for the post Brene'! You always make me smile.
Andrea
It's so odd getting older. I don't see my family that often, and that's when it's been hitting me lately. These sweet parents of mine! What happened to us?:) So funny how much we're the same, except I'm in my 40s and they're in their 60s and 70s, instead of being a kid and their being younger than I am now. And how is it possible that my baby brother is married and will be a father this year and my little sister has two sons? Kind of lovely actually, this whole family thing, and knowing each other at all ages and stages of our lives.