bullying and the cruelty crisis

My essay on bullying and the larger cruelty crisis was published in the Houston Chronicle yesterday.

It also appears on my Psychology Today blog. I was invited to blog for PT last month and this is my first post. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Comments

[Deb J]

I went to your myPsychology Today blog and read the piece on bullying and cruelty. It is so good. I wish people could understand how much we watch on TV that influences our thinking. I also find it sad that the only way we can feel good about ourselves is by belittling others. I live in a retirement community and am amazed at how much I see of this among people 55 and older in their dealings with each other. It's so sad.

[~Tara]

I think the real issue behind bullying is the environment of competition we not only raise our children in, but put up with ourselves. Only when kids have to compete for attention, validation, compassion, or respect do they feel threatened and desperate to look better than others.

As long as schools and work places focus on competition (through grades, incentives, punishments, etc) instead of authenticity, growth and trust we'll have bullying.

[carol]

Thank you for your insight. I agree, it starts with adults. Even the Today Show had a segment about civility today. This issue is larger than what's happening in our schools. Every adult, even those who don't have children, like myself, need to step up and show vulnerability, authenticity and compassion every day.

[Lorie]

Absolutely wonderful article. We don't have TV (or kids) but we were visiting a family member last month and saw a "Dr. Phil" show about cyber bullying. This family member thought it was so wonderful, but I saw it as forced and contrived- this article is so much more accurate and hard hitting.

It is definitely easier to point fingers and blame things outside of ourselves, rather than face our own imperfections and try and make change for the better. Thank you for being here for those of us who strive toward authenticity.

[Meg L]

I love the article. So beautifuly written and with a tone that is straightwordward and honest, without being preachy or all dooms-day. I wish it were required reading for parents on the first day of school.

[Kerstin]

With increasing publicity and focus on bullying this comes across as a 'new' problem, triggered by recent changes in our society such as kids watching too much TV and social media offering an extended platform for the abuse. But as far as social behaviors are concerned bullying has been around for a long time (I was regularly bullied at knife point almost 40 years ago) and I think you are hitting it on the nail about vulnerability being at the core of the issue. Bullies are essentially cowards with low self-esteem whereas the victims also tend to suffer from a poor sense of worthiness, which I find interesting as it suggests that both behaviors are rooted in the same problem. I think you make a very good point about our responsibility as adults to be more mature and grown-up role models to our children. I also belief that the power of learning to stand up for yourself (and your flaws and insecurities and fears) cannot be underestimated, either - and this goes for both kids and adults. I was a rather shy kid and somewhat easy prey at the time, but the bullying did stop once I followed the advice of a teacher to 'be myself' and stand up to my adversary. I understand that this will not work for every situation but with all this talk about protecting our children this effective strategy of self-reliance also deserves more attention in my view.

[Rebecca]

Many thanks for this, Brene. I've been noticing an increasing number of reality shows here in the UK that are basically exercises in humiliating people. I've never believed that 'entertainment' can include bullying and humiliating others (I cringe at the thought of watching 'Fawlty Towers' or laughing at those clips shows of kids and animals having 'amusing accidents' for that reason). Reality TV is just an excuse for programme makers to cut down their overheads. Its cheap to make, and it makes voyeuristic bullies of everyone who watches it. I completely agree with everything you say in your article. We now seem to have a whole society that sees bullying at all ages as an acceptable way to act, so we need to think VERY HARD about what behaviours we are passing on to the next generation.

[mallory]

I wish this topic had been explored when my daughter was younger. She was the victim of neighborhood bullies who ruled the school. I conferenced with teachers and principals about the problem They told me there was nothing they could do until they caught the perpetrators in action. Of course, they never did. I'm glad to see this topic is very upfront now.

[Wendy Rogers, PhD]

The last two statements pack the punch. We, the adults who serve as role models (whether we have children or not), are responsible for kids believing that bullying is acceptable behavior. Let's tell ourselves the truth and hold ourselves accountable for our behavior.

[Alice]

Thank you for your work. I have recently found your blog and books,definitely my gain. This article sums up a huge problem and you got to the heart of the matter. I hope that it will fall into many hands but unfortunately many who may need to read it and absorb it, just might not get it.

[Emily]

Thank you for writing this! Like most adults who experienced bullying as a child I had this fantasy idea that once I become an adult it would all get better, that adults did not do bully or act cruelly just to hurt someone's feelings. I knew better though, when I watched teachers in school snicker about a kid who was dirty or "weird". And I knew better when teachers bullied me in class if I gave the wrong answer or mispronounced something. Now as an educated, professional adult I have been inducted into the "mommy guilt" club complete with hazing, bullying, cruelty, jealousy, competitiveness, and the biggest weapon of all: exclusion.
And this I'm sad to say from a group of christian women who you'd think would know better.

[B.]

By naming this behavior as "bullying" you have raised awareness about it. The types of shows you describe have always made me uncomfortable and I avoid them. It wasn't clear to me that what I was identifying with was bullying until you linked the two together.

My benchmark in the last year has been to default to kindness whenever possible. Sometimes it isn't easy to automatically decide which choice would be KIND, so it helps me stop and think more about my choices. So far, it seems to be working well for me.

[Kristine]

Even though I'm now an adult I still see bullying everywhere amongst my peers. It's more subtle but it is there. All the time. Every day. It is performed by people who probably don't even recognise what they are doing. Like B said above, by giving this behaviour a name - bullying - you are forcing people to acknowledge their actions as just that.

At least, I hope you are. We could all be a little kinder to one another, I think.

[Irene]

Loved it. I am a prosecutor. EVERY DAY I deal with these issues at work. Or should I say, the fall-out of bullying behavior. Like a broken record I say, "Stop reading (People/US/etc.) magazines, stop watching the news non-stop, and stop watching unscripted TV. Other people's misery is NOT entertainment." People seem visibly shocked when I make these suggestions. You'd be amazed at how reluctant people are to change behavior even thought colletively that behavior may be hurting them or a loved on. Keep on Truckin' Brene. Rage against the machine!

[APOL]

Love the article Brene. You nailed it. We all need to practice The Golden Rule.

[Lori Anne (MamasteMama)]

I agree. I just want to add, that we need to be careful not to address bullying by shaming the bully either. What I am seeing as a backlash to anti-bullying campaigns where the bullies are fair game for all types of horrible threats and taunts when they are exposed publicly--turning those who stand against bullying into bullies themselves. Bullies usually already suffer from low self-esteem, needing to diminish others to feel powerful. Diminishing bullies even more with aggression and shame is not the way to lift them up either. There is enough compassion for everyone involved, and I have found aggression does not diffuse aggression, but compassion, mercy and love do—especially for ourselves when we see our own participation in the ways you described.

[Jet Harrington]

"Courage and compassion are not ideals: they are daily practices."

Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes. We don't have to do these things perfectly right out of the gate, or perfectly at all. Our human dignity requires that we simply do them. Daily.

For all of us - for the children there are and for the children we were.

Thank you, Brené!

[Jackie]

As a huge sports fan, I have become increasingly annoyed by the increase in criticism of the umpires in baseball and the cry for instant replay. After reading your article it is plain to see that this is just another intolerance of humanness and often cruel beyond belief. The announcers spend long periods of time ranting about the mistakes that the umpires make. The calls made in the game both right and wrong have always been part of the game. In fact baseball is a game of failure. The best players are out 2 out of 3 times that they get up to bat. Errors are recorded as statistics. Why is it that the umpires have to be perfect? I have learned compassion for these mere humans who have to make decisions in split seconds which can bring the wrath of entire cities on them.

[swati bharteey]

That was an mazing article you wrote - I will be sharing it. Your points about courage, compassion and the human-ness of us all re very moving. Thank you for writing it.

Swati

[Kelly H.]

Amen! It's so easy to go with the flow and so difficult to stop and ask ourselves what message we are sending to those around us (especially our children). The questions I ask myself: "Is this who I want to be today? Is this the message I want to send to the world?" Thank you for sharing your work, your honesty and your vulnerability.

[Patti]

Very insightful and well written. I especially like what you said about courage and compassion. You got to the heart of it.

[Eileen]

As a sociologist in training (yes, still), I support your work and find similar aspects of our structure that inherently convey the compete, fight, individualistic minded behavior is a larger symptom of. Competing for resources, (what is it about the "number" of "friends" people have on fb anyway), dog eat dog, pull yourself up by your bootstraps ideologies, and Nativist mentalities have been the ideologies we socialize young people by. To circumvent what we learn in this way, a whole avenue of awareness around injustice, (in its various forms) has to be conveyed to people. I feel as though I do my part to inform young people of these things, and I have hopes of their recognizing they have the power to mobilize, reform and step away from this voyeuristic behavior.

[Angela DiGiovanni | life * poetry * art]

so very insightful and true to the core that we as adults don't do a much better job than our kids at school. gossip among adults is always so shocking to me - not that i am without blame.

favorite line... "the more uncertain we feel, the more certain we act." it's that insecure child inside us all that feels the need to express superiority, or pretend we know it all. the bottom line is, we're all deficient in one way or another, and most of us are keenly aware of it. it is only the brave that can walk imperfectly, unmasked, while the rest of the world is hiding and pretending.

thanks for sharing your wisdom.

[krys]

Brene, I loved the article!
I had a professional development day at school on Tuesday and the morning session was about bullying in the elementary level, and I was able to expand on some of the thoughts in our small group discussion after reading the article- we talked a lot about our own contributions towards the problem. Thank you!

[jody]

Do we have the courage to be the adults that our Politicians need us to be? I am a somewhat conservative person and am shocked that my so-called liberal friends feel they have the right to make blanket statements using very nasty pejoratives about Republicans in a mutual blog forum. I left that private blog group recently because if they think it is alright to insult me "to my facebook," then they cannot possibly be my friends.

[deb]

Exactly. I agree that childhood bullying is a symptom of a society that supports and enables bullying in politics, in public institutions, in the international arena. I could go on but you get the point. We seem to have embraced an attitude of fear and intolerance. It breaks my heart.

[Sylvia V]

I saw this in the CHRONICLE - so timely. I have never liked reality shows that shame and humiliate others, it is always too easy to imagine being in that " shamee" spot for me. I read an interesting study recently about a general decrease in empathy - and particularly among young people. As we are their 'role models' - we need to seriously monitor our own reactions and be aware of their impact on impressionable young minds.

As for the political arena - all I can say is that there are toxic levels of incivility on both sides of the spectrum and some of what passes for political 'commentary' is, in my opinion, very close to hate speech. And until we all can rachet it down a few notches and really listen to one another, we can't expect too much improvement. Reminds me of the Buddha's challenge to "Be the change you want to see in the world."

[Kate]

Wonderful essay! Thank you for sharing it!

I linked this post over at Kate's Library as part of my Friday Five this week.

[Nicole | Blue Bicicletta]

Wonderful article. This reminds me of something I've been learning about myself lately---my tendency to judge others connects to my tendency to judge myself, and the whole thing originated with me watching my parents judge others constantly. I am learning now that the whole thing is a vicious cycle, and the way out is to lean in {like you wrote} to the shame, guilt, fear. Thank you for this wonderful article that really shows all of us how always you can make the most positive change by modeling expansive, thoughtful behavior.

[Emily Perry]

wonderful piece- one of the many reasons we don't watch tv! as a mother of two young kids this is totally a concern of mine!

[Paula]

As I read this article, two thoughts occurred to me: one is that commercial media have a vested interest in showing programming that tears people down - their sponsors offer products that supposedly "build people up", but which are actually empty promises sold to people who have been conditioned to believe they can buy acceptance.

The second thought is related: we can teach children to hold onto their "naive", non-judgmental way of being in the world, but we have to equip them for responding when they are confronted with a completely different world view, i.e. one in which people are judged and found wanting and are supposed to buy products and assume certain behaviors to conform.

For me, this confrontation happened around the time I was 11 or 12 (when many girls start "losing their voices", as is documented in other research). How can we prepare our children for this coming to consciousness and coming to terms with the existing culture, while helping them maintain their sense of innate worth?

I know I'm coming late to this discussion, but I hope someone has some ideas on this.

Thanks, Brene, for your work!

[Rebecca]

What a great article. We really need to hold ourselves accountable for our children's behavior. It's a hard, hard lesson to learn and so hard to live in the spotlight that is held by a little sponge just waiting to soak up whatever they see or hear.
I thought I was being so smart when I had kids. I was bound and determined that we would not use the terms "black" and "white" to describe people. It's amazing how many times my child has stood in front of an adult and descirbed an african-american friend by their hairstyle, clothes, interests, etc never once using the word black or even african-american and the adult finally says "Oh, you mean the black kid over there." How degrading in my opinion and my children are finally seeing how words affect people.
Bullying and gossip that's tougher. We don't bully in our house and have no tolerance for children who do. But, the gossip is so hard to reel in. What is ok to say about another person? When does it become "gossip?" These are lessons sometimes we are all still learning. The sad part is we really understand it when we are on the receiving end.

[Hali Chambers]

We can legislate behavior all day long, but true compassion comes from a tender and vulnerable place where we understand how inextricably connected we are.

Our culture has bought into this Dawinian sense of competition where we are afraid to be vulnerable; where people are punished for showing a softer side. You are so right on the mark! Bullying in children and everywhere is a symptom of our skewed values. What's interesting to me is to see celebrities and experts speak out against bullying--when some of them are bullies in their own right.