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love: practicing and professing
Definitions are dangerous. They can incite passionate debate and heated discussion. That's OK. I'm not afraid of debate and discussion. I am afraid, however, of having no common language to talk about the most important experiences of our lives.
Part of my job as a researcher is crafting definitions from the data. My goal is not to make things "certain" - I know that's not possible in many cases. My goal is to find patterns and themes that create meaning and clarity.
For Valentine's Day, I thought it might be fun to share this excerpt from the new DVD and The Gifts of Imperfection. It's not an easy thing to think about, but I think it's worth the thinking.
From The Gifts of Imperfection (Copyright © 2010 by Brené Brown):
"Love will never be certain, but after collecting thousands of stories, I’m willing to call this a fact: A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all men, women, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.
When these needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We grow numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. There are certainly other causes of illness, numbness, and hurt, but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.
It took me three years to whittle this definition down from a decade of interviews. Let’s try it on!
While I have personally and professionally agonized over the definition of love, I have to admit that it has fundamentally changed the way I live and parent.
When I’m tired or stressed, I can be mean and grumpy – especially toward Steve. If I truly love Steve (and, oh man, I do), then how I behave everyday is as important, if not more important, than saying “I love you” everyday. When we don’t practice love with the people we claim to love, it takes a lot out of us. Incongruent living is exhausting.
It’s also pushed me to think about the important differences between professing love and practicing love. During a recent radio interview about my research, the hosts (my friends Ian and Margery) asked me, “Can you love someone and cheat on them or treat them poorly?”
I didn't have much time, so I gave the best answer I could based on my work:
“I don’t know if you can love someone and betray them or be cruel to them, but I do know that when you betray someone or behave in an unkind way toward them, you are not practicing love. And, for me, I don’t just want someone who says they love me, I want someone who practices that love for me every day.”
I'm STILL getting emails from listeners!
These definitions have forced me to acknowledge that cultivating self-love is not optional. If I want to practice love with my family and friends, I have to start with me."
I'd love to know what you think about these ideas!
PS - You're always welcome to quote from this blog or pull images. I just ask that you attribute it correctly. Borrowing words is just like using someone's art or photography. I try to put quotes on images so you can just slide them off.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Reader Comments (49)
There is something very powerful about having a conversation about these things...
My husband is not the most romantic man in the world. He does get me roses for my birthday which is Feb.17th and after the price has come back down from Valentine's day! But he SHOWS me he loves me EVERY day by going to work, being responsible, cooking dinner when i don't feel well, (I am disabled) and the most amazing practice of love ever: when I was on total bedrest during my last pregnancy: my beloved husband did everything! He not only took care of the house, other kids, worked but he emptied my bedpan(!) washed my hair and shaved my legs. My husband loves me beyond measure and practices it. I try every day to do the same.
Love is not when someone buys you flowers, jewels and fancy dinners.
Believe me, my sister has been there three times. and divorced three times.
Thanks Brene.
Thank you.
I know for me, defining love has been difficult as the years pass full of betrayls and disappointments. But you certainly hit it on the head for me with your definition. It's the practice of love, not the words. And it doesn't take a whole lot of practice to rebuild from those disappointments.
Thank you for reminding me that I am loved.
Thank you for sharing, Brene!
(speechless)
I completely agree with practicing vs. professing love and I believe this idea goes even further- It applies to EVERYTHING. It is what you do, not so much what you say you believe, that reveals who you are.
My mother said it to me in this way: "actions speak louder than words." and my husband compares a "looky-loo" to a "looky-do"!
Thank you also for giving us permission to pull images from your blog. I have been cutting and pasting things from here onto a Word document for my vision board and have been feeling a little guilty (even though I always make sure your name is attached to it!) You are such an inspiration!!!
Happy Valentines weekend to you!
For me personally, I really want to spend this coming year focusing on myself and loving me. It's taken me a long time to realize that no one else will love me if I don't love myself. ;-)
Wise Words.
Last year, I wrote of love from a different angle...<a href="http://deborahcarr.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-dear-valentine.html>http://deborahcarr.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-dear-valentine.html</a>. This was part of a series of articles I wrote for a woman's abuse centre.
I was in a long relationship where my guy did SHOW love every day, but never actually SAID it in the strictest I-love-you sense. He would make me chicken soup when I was sick, be my first call in the morning and my last call at night, say often that I was the closest person to him - so, so many things. But in the end, he ended it because he said he could not go on NOT loving me while knowing that I loved him so much.
So is it possible, then, for someone to show love but not feel it? Now I wonder how I was deluded into thinking that paradigm could never be true.
My husband has showed me that he loves me by sending me silly text messages in the day, taking photos of things he sees while he works down in London and calls me just because.
Thanks for this to chew on for Valentine's Day along with all that chocolate!
To me the operative word here is practice, which is the nitty gritty everyday hard stuff of love. Your comments about being snappy or mean resonated with me - and it is only the people I trust the most whom I allow to see this side of me. And if I can bust through that self loathing that is ALWAYS at the root of my behaving badly, then my irritation melts away and I can "see' that loved one again in a real way. So I am totally in support of the idea that love begins at home - inside of us - and if it is absent there, a lot of what we do outside is like folks who belong to a church, go worship on Sundays, then start judging, labeling and condemning as soon as they exit the doors. Being gentle with oneself and working to heal any/all internal scars really build up those 'love muscles'.
Happy Valentine's Day to all.
I didn't know that you knew Ian and Margery! I listen to them every morning on my way to work! Have a great day! Miss seeing you. Ann
www.thelavendartree.etsy.com
I watched the Fireproof movie today. Have you seen it? A lot about love can be learnt from that movie!
Fiona :-)
Happy Valentine's Day weekend.
Grace
Love is something that we nurture & grow - so why do we so seldom give ourselves permission to 'tend to our own garden'?? Too often we are peeking over the fence into everyone else's garden - comparing & judging. Thank you for reminding me to mind my OWN garden, nurture my roots & cultivate the courage that will allow me to be vulnerable enough to experience love!
thank you for your passionate work and your honest sharing and your compassionate heart
you embody love as a practice - thank you
Happy Valentines Day. How nice that it's on a Sunday-- a nice long, restful day to practice.
I came across this definition today - - at a time when I am really struggling with loving my son. My son, the one I know is kind, talented, a loving father, a good listener, honest, patient, dependable, gentle, his father's best friend. He is loyal, a good guy, a high ranking deputy in the local sheriff's department. In October he separated from his wife, over financial problems. He had hidden from her their debt -- -and it seems, a good part of the debt came from his secret sexual addiction. We have been devasted. He has been visiting the children on a regular basis, seeing us often. We have asked him about counseling and seeing and doctors. He has been a little vague about that (time and money are his excuse). He has been worried about finances -- not sleeping . . BUT then two weeks ago today, he was arrested for robbing a bank - - -three times, the first time in July. I don't understand - - who is he? he isn't my son, not the one I know. So, what do I do? how do i love? how do I understand when he can't talk to us about the case? How does love, my deep, mother love handle this? how could he have been so deceptive? how do I establish a relationship with this stranger? how do I cope with the fact I may never see him again out of jail? How do I cope? love really hurts, it disappoints . . .can it really be restored?
Brene seems to have effectively defined the concept of "love" as a verb - a transitive verb in which one person behaves towards another. I still believe that the abstract noun definition of love remains undefined. You say that love is not something which we give or receive, but what about the feeling of love that you have towards another person?
The ancient Greeks had four words for love: Agape, Eros, Philia and Storge. The definitions of these forms of love varied depending on your relationship to the other person, but basically Agape is a spiritual love, Eros is sensual love, Philia is a friendly or familial love and Storge is a love of one's offspring and other family. The concept of love is complex enough that it really warrants at least four separate definitions for the noun alone.
The intricacies of human relationships mean that often more than one kind of love may be felt towards another person. On the other hand, feeling love towards someone might make it impossible to "love" them in the transitive verb sense which has been described.
The reason I say that is because I am in that situation now. I love someone whom I shouldn't, and yet I can't not love them, so the best I can manage is to simply feel that love for them and not act on it. Your definition of "love", I think, falls outside the boundaries of love as I now experience it.
How have I been on TRAK?
And so on Wednesday (I started 2 weeks ago), I stop and reflect and am brave and courageous to share ways I have been trusting, respectful, affectionate, and kind to myself, my husband, my two sons, my friends, my colleagues, strangers.....This is one way I have put into practice my committment of loving more and more, moment to moment. I am called to be the best version of myself (this has nothing to do with being perfectionism; like you say, it doesn't exist) and it is loving that I reach that. So just know that your definition inspired my new facebook Wednesday notes.
Very interesting phrase
Bravo, what necessary phrase..., a brilliant idea
Also that we would do without your very good phrase
I can speak much on this theme.
Nice http://givemebook.ru
Sandra Scarlett
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