In 2008, one of my graduate students wrote an opinion piece on her decision to support Mitt Romney. She explained how, as a mother, she believed that his ideas were more in line with her life experiences and values.

It was a thoughtful, well-written piece and I encouraged her to “put it out there.”

She published it in her local mother’s group newsletter. About a week after it ran she called me crying and said, “I got an anonymous note in my mailbox from a person who said she felt sorry for my children because they were being raised by a closed-minded, homophobic, back-woods, cult member.”

Yesterday, the Houston Chronicle ran an op/ed written by a good friend of mine. The article offers a feminist take on Sarah Palin’s political life.

Today, she received this email:

Just read your article in the Houston Chronicle.  I did some research and came across your picture on-line. 

Question:  Why are the majority of feminists so ugly they couldn't get laid on an aircraft carrier after a 6-month cruise?

Oh, and incidentally, Doc, your article doesn't inspire me to think you're too bright either.

Being ugly and dumb----with a fake PHD....wow, must make you feel  important.

Regards,

Bob

These were very painful experiences for both my student and my friend. So painful, that as a shame and authenticity researcher, I feel compelled to offer some advice so that the rest of us can hopefully avoid this kind of attack.

1. Research on the attributes that we associate with "being feminine" tells us that the most important qualities  for women are:

• Thin
• Nice
• Pretty

If you want to play it totally safe, you have to be willing to stay as small, quiet, and attractive as possible.

2. In my own decade-long research on authenticity and shame, I found that speaking out is a major shame trigger for women. Here's how the research participants described the struggle:

• Don’t make people feel uncomfortable, but be honest.
• Don’t upset anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings, but say what’s on your mind.
• Sound informed and educated, but not like a know-it-all.
• Don’t say anything unpopular or controversial, but have the courage to disagree with the crowd.

3. #2 applies to all issues, not just politics. When "being liked" is more important than "being real", we'll need to be very careful everywhere -  at work, church, at our children’s schools, and on the soccer fields. It's exhausting.

4. Cruelty is cheap, easy, and rampant. It’s also chicken-shit. Especially when you send an anonymous note or post on a website using a stupid avatar and a fake name. There is no “safe side” or “cruelty-free” topic. Shame is a bipartisan weapon and people are willing to attack you for anything and everything. 

5. Cruelty always hurts, even if it’s not true. My friend’s PhD is from the University of Texas at Austin. My student is open-minded and cult-free. They're going to go after what hurts the most - our appearance, our lovability, our mothering . . . accuracy is irrelevant for the shamers. When you don't care at all what people think and you're immune to hurt, you're also ineffective at connecting. Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.

6. Voicing an opinion on controversial issues isn't "asking for it." You are certainly inviting debate and disagreement, but that's different than shame and cruelty. The character of a nation should be based on it's ability to engage in civil discourse.

7. If you decide to trade in your authenticity for safety, there are a few things to keep in mind. Your unexpressed ideas, opinions, and contributions will not just go away. They are likely to fester and eat away at your worthiness. You may experience the following: anxiety, depression, overeating, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment and inexplicable grief.

8. Don’t blame men. Men are as likely to be offended by cruelty as women, and women are as likely to perpetrate it as men. I say it’s 50-50 that Bob’s a woman (who has never served on a aircraft carrier).

Hope these are helpful. I know I feel much better. I'm off to play it unsafe.