more honesty. less how-to.

If you follow my blog you might remember my plan to fake a car wreck to get out of a very daunting speaking event in late 2009. If not, you can catch up here.  Well . . . I survived and, believe it or not, I've come to love the 20-minute format. I've been thinking a lot about my upcoming TEDxHouston talk and I now appreciate how that limited time frame forces you to think about what's meaningful and important about your work.

The great folks from The UP Experience are letting me post my talk (which makes me nervous but is better than posting pictures from a pretend fender bender).

If you've seen the Hustle for Worthiness DVD, you'll recognize the country club story (the DVD is an expanded version of the UP talk). If you haven't seen the DVD and you wonder why I don't post quick and easy tips for a better life, here's your answer:

Comments

[Grace]

This made me cry. Thank you.
Much Gratitude,
Grace

[Deb]

Loved this Brene'! I could listen to you all day! You speak to all of us.

[karen]

brene, you are amazing through and through. this was so good. i read your book a while ago and felt so profoundly affected by it and this lecture reminded me of all the things that spoke to me so deeply. I think you're amazing and thank you so much for sharing this with us. thank you. deeply.

[Janna]

Love

[jill]

wow- that was good

[Dawn]

Brene, I just discovered your work, and I'm loving it. It was great to see the talk posted -- so heartfelt and well executed. This issue touches me deeply -- along with that pesky Imposter Syndrome -- so I now count you as among my many resources and tools!

[Kylie]

wow. thank you.

[JennaKate]

Thanks for sharing this, Brené. I especially liked what you said about joy being intensely vulnerable, and discomfort-producing. I'm working on raising my "distress tolerance" so I can be present in the joy, and not numbed-out in the vulnerable places. Your work just keeps getting deeper and richer - keep at it! Thank you for doing the difficult work in your own life and giving me permission to do the same in mine.

[Monica L. H.]

love. this. big time.
thank you!

[Lorie]

Simply beautiful.

Thank you for sharing this

[kathleen]

THANK YOU for this! Your words and your wisdom are changing the way I see myself and others. Thank you for your honesty.
love & gratitude
x

[Christina Borel]

Dear Brene

I wanted to thank you so much for these words:
" I now appreciate how that limited time frame forces you to think about what's meaningful and important about your work."

I'm a clinical social worker on a restraint- and seclusion-free inpatient child psychiatry unit. We're in the midst of a massive cultural shift in which our length of stay has dramatically decreased and expectations regarding paperwork and time spent with patients and families have increased. It's a set-up for people like me who are managing perfectionists and procrastinators, and who thrive on approval. It's a dead-end game. So, I've been working on stating limits slowly, and trying to pull out the mixed messages sent by various facets of the institution and hold them up to the light. And I think that what I need is a greater focus on timeframe. So, thank you for reminding me of what's important, and for giving me a way in which I might begin an experiment in naming unrealistic expectations and stating limits arounf my work. It feels a bit like borrowed courage, but I so needed to have a frame of reference and a way to understand my dilemma.

In gratitude,
Christina

[mindy]

wow. this was amazing and wonderful. when you talked about women feeling shame about not being thin, quiet and helpful, you described me to a T! this is exactly what i struggle with on a daily basis. learning to view myself as enough and worthy has me examining this part of myself. and boy is it a tough go. i think i'm making headway, but as i listened to your talk i realized that i'm not making as much headway because i am not talking about it in a healthy manner to someone that will be supportive of me and not my shameful feelings. this is clearly something i need to work on.

thank you so much for all that you do brene'! you are amazing...

[Neri]

Thanks for sharing this. What a treat to hear you in this setting.

Your work continues to impact me. A true gift.

[amy]

thank you so much for sharing your wonderful work.

[Brigitte]

Brene,

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for posting this enlightening talk and share how excited I am to see you speak at the upcoming TEDx Houston event! I am one of many individuals who had the sincere privilege to have you as a teacher at the GCSW (I graduated in '05 and was one of the few that ventured off to Austin for the political internship). You taught me so much in that time and your lessons and insight have stayed with me throughout the years. Thank you for the valuable work that you do. It seems to have a way of finding me when I need it most.

Thank YOU!

[Steffi]

Wow...

I want to be like you when I grow up!

Thank you!

[Emily]

wow, that was terrific. I snorted coffee all over my keyboard at the "people are eating" comment! I have your "I thought it was me" book, have had it since last fall and have struggled to read it. It's very close to home, and it's hard to read about myself. When I've been brave and told friends about the book I'm reading I get shot down and embarrassed with comments like "what's your big dark secret" or "this sounds like some get happy quick stuff". So I do (just like your research has shown) I don't talk about it, change the subject to something 'light and airy', and I haven't read it. And then I think geez I'm 36 yrs old, educated, a wife and mother, working on a master's degree, get over yourself and what others think. After watching your Up speech I'm inspired to get past my stumbling blocks and face them head on.

[Aidel]

This blew me away! I hadn't heard of you before today, Brene--saw your tweets somewhere and clicked to your twitter feed. Your bio intrigued me, and I clicked over. Can't wait to read more.

[michelle y.]

Thank you for sharing this Brene. You are an amazing person!

[Deb Koehler]

I laughed out loud and learned so much from your talk.

The realization that joy and discomfort go together is new and life-changing for me. If I'm going be uncomfortable anyway, I might as well accept it, push through the fear, and experience joy.

Thank you!

[Ivy Tolchinsky]

You are so right. We live in a shame-based culture. It has taken me many years to agree to look at this issue that no one wants to talk about. I have an affirmation on my desk that says "I am worth it!" I am also a recovering perfectionist but no longer allow shame to sabotage my life. This work may not be "light and airy" but sharing our stories and being ok with who we are allows us to let go of that weight and be our authentic selves. Thanks for dedication to this topic !

[Tina]

I did your read along with you last year about this time, and I've been on a healing journey ever since. Still. Listening to this talk today I still took 2 pages worth of notes, and realized I have a new layer to heal. A deeper layer that I hadn't realized was there and that is more vulnerable.

I think I say this everytime I leave a comment, but thank you for talking about "the things that get in the way." You are right it is definitely liberating to talk about those things. So thank you for starting that conversation.

Thank you so much also for pointing out joy and discomfort go together, and that will cause a relapse just like a negative experience. heavens! I thought something was just wrong with me when I went through the "vulnerability hangover" after having a great time out with people.

Can't wait for TEDxHouston!!

[Allison Marek]

I can't wait to take your class and join the shame "evangelists." Great presentation.

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[Melissa]

Needed to see this. Thank you.

[Britgirl]

That was fabulous to hear. Thank you for sharing it. Struck so many chords.

[Tracie]

Thank you so much for sharing this! I could seriously listen to you talk about this stuff for hours.

[angela]

WOW

you rocked this speech!
thanks for the great message - a great message(s)!

[linda]

As always...thank you for sharing your knowledge and doing what you do. I appreciate it...a lot. Grazie.

[Anne Fraley]

I don't mean for this to sound dramatic, but you may have just helped me salvage my marriage. Thinking that I was helping my husband stay focused and on track with tasks he has to do, I now realize that my "innocent" questions have instead had the effect of shaming him. No wonder he gets annoyed at me! This sounds like such a simple thing, but it has huge implications. Thank you. For so much of what you said in these 20+ minutes.

[anna k.]

I really needed to hear this today.

Thanks for the post and keep up the incredible work.

Have a great day! :)

[Christine Kane]

I just discovered you this morning. (Which means you didn't exist until now! :-) )

I love this and i'm sharing you with everyone. Thank you for your beauty!

[Carrie]

"No one is doing it, but everyone is pretending." So true.

Are you going to do a read-along for the "I thought it was me" book?

[Jackie]

Brene:
Thank you for posting this talk. I have been lurking on your blog for about a year or so, enjoy your writing and have read your book. It was great to hear you speak. I don't think you need me to tell you how great you were (but I think it's nice when someone tells you.) I particularly liked you humour when dealing with a less than humourous subject. I saw this post yesterday and didn't get a chance to watch the video until today. It was just what I needed to hear today. Thank you again. Have wonderful weekend.

[Sylvia V]

Hi Brene,

Rich and funny! But I was really struck by your observations on joy. Somehow I have not been fully aware of the connection between joy and vulnerability - that the "tremulous' part of joy (that feeling that just makes you spill over inside) is also laced with the sense that you are 'wide open' which then brings up the vulnerability factor. So being receptive to joy also opens you up for potential discomfort....hmmmm. Always about balance, right? That is a very powerful and vaulable thing to truly know, so thanks!

[Liz Ness]

Thank you for your research and perspective -- I feel as though some stray (what I thought were disconnected, but were very much connected) thoughts have aligned, leading to an important "aha" moment.

[Erin Wilson]

Excellent talk. Seriously hit home. Watched it more than once and passed the link onto friends. Thank you.

I also wanted to tell you that I appreciate your speaking style. Great use of humour, and you are a master at the meaningful pause. Also loved the look of your slides. Beautiful (an unfortunate rarity).

[Jeanette]

Thank you for your willing vulnerability to share your stories, that turn into great lessons on courage, compassion and resilience. I especially appreciate how you laugh at yourself and learn from every day, every experience. I look forward to your online class.

[Bev]

i watched this video today, part of kelly rae's post reference on 5/31, for her e-course. i am blown away, enlightened, encouraged, and grateful. thank you for your voice, brene. thank god for your gift...such great truth in what you say....

[Lisa]

I too ventured over here through Kelly Rae's post reference and am STUNNED. Working through her class and Danielle LaPorte's I've found myself over and over voicing authenticity, being able to sit with uncomfort, and accepting vulnerability. I adore synchronicity.

Thank you for your beautiful voice, your authenticity, and for sharing it with all of us.

[robin norgren]

powerful information, your work is INCREDIBLE

[LynnH]

Thank goodness for Twitter. Someone tweeted this page and I'm deeply grateful.

I'm glad to be 51 and through some of the journey. It seems so true. I spent years wearing black and trying to be petite and demure and quiet. I'm short but never have been able to pull off demure and quiet.

At 32 my life fell out from under me (divorce after 16 yrs together), and it turned out to be a gift. I spent much time with books, groups, support, therapy... and my life is so different now that I'm amazed. The scared girl I was, turned into a woman whose solopreneur-style business is called ColorJoy. Yes, Joy!

I still struggle with shame (I'm human), but it's less of my master. It comes around only occasionally these days. I'm also teaching my godchildren that "I love you no matter what, but I am disappointed in your choice." Thanks for validating my message!

I have a "new" (13yrs) partner/husband who adores me in spite of, even because of my weaknesses and quirks. I also have creative work that makes me joyful and full of gratitude daily.

It all fits, everything you said. It talks of my past and my present. It also helps me understand how to understand and love those around me, particularly those who are still children. Thank you.

[Monique]

Thank you so much for sharing!

[Michele]

Joy is listening to truth! Thank you.

[Cassy]

Wow, how did you condense all your info? Great Job Brene!

[Sherry Ball Schoenfeldt]

This is such an amazing video. So glad you didn't have the car wreck!! It touches on what seems like everything - shame, joy, perfectionism, self-worth, authenticity, more. I'll have to share it with everybody I know.

[Gina Lee Kim]

You know what's ricocheting in my brain after watching this? The difference between saying "Gosh, that was stupid!" vs. "Gosh I am so stupid!"

I have forever told myself (and have been told) the latter....and I find it difficult to end my own shaming. This has to change.

With tearful gratitude,
Gina

[apol]

This was excellent. Your work is life-changing. "Who do you think you are?" Wow. How many times has that crossed my mind; not only judging myself but others as well. Perhaps envious that someone had the guts to go for it while I held back out of fear and being vulnerable. I have a shaming story that I don't tell. I don't speak to my family, husband, or friends about it. In fact, many of my friends don't know. The secrecy is sick. I play the perfectionism game. I've been the workaholic, I've eaten to suppress, I've drank to suppress, I've cleaned my home spotless to suppress. I lack connection, belonging, and relationships because I feel like I live a lie. I desperately need to make some changes in my life. Your message plays in my head over and over. I just need to take steps and overcome the fear of telling people who I am; while liking myself in the process. Thanks Brene.

[stephanie]

This was an incredible talk. Witty, true, and your sense of humor makes this a wonderful talk to listen too Brene.

Thanks for being honest and sharing your fears and "shameful" experiences with us Brene - your honesty encourages the rest of us to live authentically, honestly and not try to always present a "perfect" image to everyone else.

Words to remember and live by :) A treat to hear this morning!

Stephanie