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they don't need us to be sorry, just present
Taken by Stephanie Quilao @skinnyjeansOne of the best things about attending women’s social media conferences is the “normalizing.” If we can stay out of fear and scarcity (I’m not enough / I’m not doing enough / my blog isn’t big enough), we can really sink into the important truth that we are all in this together.
We’re all afraid, brave, excited, anxious, loving social media, and sick to death of it.
I had the great privilege of giving the closing keynote at the EVO 10 Conference on Saturday. I say privilege because:
1. The conference was amazing
2. I had the honor of sharing the stage with the awesome Karen Walrond (who is one of my real-life BFFs, but it was our first co-presentation)
3. The audience was incredibly kind and generous.
Karen and I talked about authenticity online and I shared some of my research on worthiness and courage. We didn’t have much time for a Q+A, so folks have been tweeting and emailing me great questions.
I thought it might fun to unpack some of the questions over the next couple of weeks. I don’t necessarily have answers or solutions, but I can share what I’ve learned from my work and how I’m trying to apply it in my life.
It seems like one of the biggest issues is about time, boundaries, and family, so we’ll start here.
Social media is like gas – it expands to fill whatever space you give it. The questions become:
1. Are we so busy blogging about our families that we’re actually ignoring them?
2. Are we so consumed with sharing our experiences that we’re actually missing out on our lives?
One of my greatest fears is that my children will remember me like this:
"I can only remember her from the nose up."Or this:
The "Shhh. I'm on the phone."Or they’ll write a poem about me that includes this line:
Her hands were smooth and delicate. She could text 50 words per minute.
Here’s what I’ve learned (and desperately struggle to practice):
We don't need to apologize to our children for working. They don’t need us to be sorry, they need us to be present.
It doesn’t matter if we engage with technology and social media to feed our families or to feed our souls; it’s our work. It’s important and it’s not the problem.
The problem is being constantly distracted and never fully present.
Here are my fears and hopes:
1. I don’t want my kids to feel like they’re competing with my computer for my time or attention. I’ll NEVER forget when Charlie was about 2 years old and he said, “You play with Chawlie or you play with com-poo-der?” Crushing.
2. I don’t want to force myself into a false dichotomy: It’s not give up my awesome work and the ability to do it from home OR be a good parent.
3. Sometimes I ask myself When Ellen grows up and has her own therapist, what will she say about my career? (I know it’s crazy, but it’s job hazard in my line of work). Last year this answer bubbled up in my heart and it changed everything: “My mom loved her work but she was always so anxious about being a 'good mom.' Her work was great, but her anxiety was contagious.” I’m really working on this.
4. I don't want to constantly buy more technology time for myself by sticking my kids in front of technology. Mommy has 20 more minutes of work, watch TV.
5. I do want to model the importance of hard work and persistence. These are two of my core beliefs and also my strengths - I want to hand them down. In my work I see how privilege and entitlement eventually crush a child's self-worth. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of disappointment and work. My work is demanding and I want to model rising to the challenge.
6. I want to teach and model that loving what you do and doing what you love is wonderful, but still requires mindfulness.
Here’s what I’m working on:
1. No computer in the morning before school. UGH. I love waking up and checking Twitter, Facebook, and emails while I drink my first cup of coffee. I’ve decided that I can’t do that unless I’m willing to wake up before my kids. Once they’re up - no technology until they leave for school. No checking emails on my iPhone while I pack lunches or corral the teeth-brushing.
2. I’m employing the Nordstrom method of engaging. The salespeople at Nordstrom always walk around to the front of the register table to hand you your bag. They never reach over the counter. I’m trying to do the same thing. I’m trying to never talk to my kids over the top of my laptop or while I’m staring at the screen.
If I’m working and they need something quick (e.g., Where are my goggles?), I’ll pause, look them in the eye and tell them. If they need more attention, I say, “I want to talk to you about this. Give me ten minutes to finish my work.” Obviously, if it’s important, I shut the top and physically turn my body toward them. I started this a few months ago and now both of my kids will often say, “When you’re done can you . . . “
3. In addition to the morning technology break, Steve and I are thinking about implementing technology Sabbath around here. Time when there’s no TV, iPods, computers, iPads, etc. We're big believers in the family dinner and we’re thinking about extending tech-free family time to later in the evening a couple of nights a week.
These issues come down to respect and connection. As a college professor I see many young students who struggle to connect – to look people in the eye, to carry on a conversation without checking their phones, to walk across campus without talking, texting or listening to music. It’s a problem.
We need more authentic connection.
In this accidently controversial post about cell phones and customer service, I shared this quote by Martin Buber – I love it so much.
“When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.”
I believe this is true.
As you can tell, this is a huge issue for me. I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts and learn what practices work for you.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Reader Comments (57)
My daughter is 15 and also very involved with technology. She is never without her cell phone or her iTouch. However, instead of discouraging this and modelling different behavior, I have actually succombed to it.
I love the idea of a "technology Sabbath"...my friend recently did this for a whole week with her little ones and she still gushes with joy over the results. They played, painted, did art projects, and the kids even helped around the house. She is planning on making this an annual tradition.
I am going to try to implement the Sabbath with my 15 year old...wish me luck!!
Thank you for posting this...
Being present is largely about respect, but the devices make it hard work to really connect. It seems like we need to practice it with our kids so that it can become a way of life.
Thanks for a great talk to evo :)
It's about getting the balance right, and I will try to put into practice some of the ideas you speak of . . . . she says whilst writing this and trying to help youngest with homework :0
Amelia.x
Hub and I spend far too much time in front of the TV at night. I suggest we turn it off and spend some time reading, but that never comes to pass. We don't enjoy the same past times: I love words, he can't spell. It's a challenge to find things to do together that don't require money to go out (we don't have much these days). Daily, though, I think about what we can shift in our habits that will free up time to find more meaningful connection with each other.
Your post is helpful.
Thanks, Brene. I always look forward to your insights.
Can't wait to forward this on to all my mama pals.....
THANK YOU!
Alix from Modern kIddo
Sometimes I have to giggle when I see 2 kids (I'm in my 50's, so loads of folks are kids to me - lol) walking alone, each one either texting or talking on their cell -- I always wonder if they are talking to EACH OTHER.
So I giggle about that - but then I sigh -- because REALLY - how sad to be in someone's company and not enjoying the companionship!!
What I most love about your post (besides the connective way that you write, Brene) is the fact that you're not doing the "throw out the baby with the bathwater" thing.. SO many people do that in response to the problems that cell phones and social media are related to...
But the tools aren't the problem -- as a matter of fact there's research on how they BUILD intimacy. I love, love, love being able to talk to AND see (thank you Skype) my son while he's doing an internship in DC -- couldn't do anything like that when I was in college.
Thanks for this thought-provoking post!!
But I think there is a corollary issue here that is just as important. We need to TEACH our kids how to use social media and technology appropriately. We need to use it with them. We need to check on them. We need to talk to them constantly about the power and the danger. They all grow up knowing how to use the devices. My 7 year old is better on i-anythings than I am. My 11 year old maneuvers around a computer like a pro. But their skills sometimes outpace their readiness. They don't understand how posting something online can injure someone or follow them around for the rest of their lives. They haven't developed the discretion and predictive thinking to gauge the impact of something before they say it. They don't have the skills to project and interpret tone in typed words. I'm not sure I have it all figured out. I certainly can't expect my pre-teen to get it. Her access is limited, but will increase steadily - and her ability to interact via social media will quickly connect her with a world that isn't always kind. Jr. High is hard enough. How much harder is it going to be on our kids with rumors in cyberspace and embarrassing pictures on facebook and such. Of course we cannot prevent every heartbreak. But we also cannot assume that they will learn cybertalk the same way they learn their native language. They need us to sit with them, teach them, practice with them, help them wade through the maze and learn how to use the good and avoid the pitfalls - and I'm pretty convinced it's not something they will learn strictly by observation.
Parenting is a bigger job growing bigger every day. Our generation of parents faces challenges with social media that there are no rules for. The conversations and community are important.
We too have technology sabbaths in our home with 4 kids (3-14). All 6 of us work and learn from home and our house is full of the devices that support this, but we have always had clear limits on when they get used and when they don't.
It certainly takes a lot of self control to limit my online time as blogs, Flickr and the like my main source of inspiration and community but I certainly wouldn't want that to be true for my children.
Cultivating the art of staying present and connected to the needs of my children and family has been a real source of growth for me and so it's worth the effort it takes to schedule my online time during times my presence is not needed. I've started getting up earlier than my kids and the dishes are often sacrificed in the evening when I'm working on whatever I need to.
I'll admit to sneaking my iphone into the bathroom with me though just to get a little peek at what I'm missing.
We already implemented card-playing for about 30 minutes just before getting ready for bed. It allows the same impromptu talks that taking a walk together does, and it's cooler inside! I'm trying.
We have technology free dinners and I am making a conscious choice most mornings to wait until the house is clear before I clock on-line.
But I feel the pull of doing over being all the time, whether it is the computer, the phone, the busy-i-ness.
I'm with you on taking a breath and living more mindfully so that I can in turn role model for my kids to live more mindfully and be engaged by the world outside of microchips.
The idea of having technology-free time sounds wonderful and is something I should consider implementing into my own life before I have children (so it's not such a shock when I do!)
I also think that beginning this tradition with your children at a young age will be helpful for them to be aware of and able to step away from technology from time to time - something most of their peers will probably have fears of.
Brene, you sound like a fantastic mother. As you have taught me to give myself more credit, I will ask you to give yourself more credit as well. Blog as often or not-often as works for you. While your readers thrive from your blog, know that we also understand if family is taking a front-seat for a couple of days. We all know that our children are only young and desiring of our attention for so long.
As always, thanks for being so honest and for sharing thought provoking ideas and issues.
Blessings,
Fiona :-)
Glad for the new law about not being on your cell in a school zone...
That is my strongest memory of my father is that he lit up when he saw me. No matter how many times a day that was. No matter how hard my life has been over the years that memory of being valued has kept me going.
Over time, I found some ideas (check my blog) that are helping me regain balance. Life is improving daily and my teenage son is beginning to share my improved behavior rather than staying glued to his tech for every available moment - mostly because we are doing more non-tech things together and as a family. It's a win-win.
Thanks for another great post. You have an uncanny ability to touch on the things we feel so acutely in our own worlds.
I think sometimes as a blogger we can turn into an observer of our own life instead of being in it
Kind of like the photographer who wants to "capture" a moment on film - not live in it
Great to see you at EVO
Thanks for bringing up this important topic as more and more of us parents work from home and/or use technology throughout so much of our day.
I'd like a schedule that works for me and my family.
The type of thing where I am fully present with family in the morning - getting up early to take a shower before they get up so i can be there at the table.
I'd like to do family dinners. I need to figure out how to shop for and cook dinners.
And I need to very seriously look at how stressed out I am and how I shut down by going to the computer and hiding in what's familiar which is my work and social media.
I need to ask for help in planning my days - figuring out when to cook AND watch my baby - and how to be present for MYSELF so I can be present for my family.
Thank you for this post. I love your authenticity
xo
*catherine
1) We have family dinner every night (doesn't matter if it's a 2 course meal or pizza)- we follow the same rules my family did when I was growing up - we don't answer the phone (at all), the TV is turned off, no computers, no cell, no nothing. Just the four of us sharing our days. My kids are 7 and 4 so sometimes this is my opportunity to find out about things they are stressed about - or a big accomplishment. They share with us at dinner in a way they don't in the car. We always ask what the BEST part of their day was to help them focus on the positive
2) I grocery shop with my husband once a month at Costco (it takes a month or two to figure out your quantities) - but you can do it. I shop at a local grocery store for produce each week. I'm in and out quickly b/c it's just the produce section - on saturday mornings. My youngest has health issues which really impacted our lives when she was a baby - I had grocery delivery from Safeway and a local farm then. It really saved us and the delivery charge was around $5..
3) Sundays I cook for the week - make muffins for healthy snacks, a couple of easy meals for lunches for the adults and for dinners for all of us. Crockpots are your friends. I put all ingredients in the pot the night before and keep it in the fridge until morning. I have a few friends who use the Dinners Ready method for dinners - especially when their kiddos are babies.
4) I have the luxury of picking my kids up from school - and my phone calls end when I get out of the car. I don't feel the need to apologize to the person I am on the phone with - I just explain that I am picking my child up and need to continue the conversation later. If it's a customer, I let it go to voicemail and return the call when I can.
5) I blog at night after they go to bed - I twitter via my phone during the day.
6) Hubby and I have a date night once a month - even if we just stay home and have dinner or watch a movie on demand
7) Hubby and I set aside 15-20 minutes each night to catch up with each other - and we text each other during the day to stay connected "I miss you" or "thinking of you" or "can't wait to see you" or "great snuggles this morning - so needed that". We save phone calls for the really important things that have to be addressed now like - "the little one is vomiting and needs an early pick up"
8) We go away together (or staycation) sans kids every 3-4 months. It gives us a chance to remember what it is like to have uninterrupted conversations, just hang out together, make plans, share silly moments and our someday dreams. There is limited technology during those 48 hours or so - the goal is to spend time together away from it all. All those yummy feelings we have for each other are rekindled - which pays out tenfold in inspiration and creativity.
9) if you can afford it - hire someone to clean your house once a month. i truly believe that the money spent to hand this off to someone else in invaluable. We actually saved money b/c it allowed us to stop going to counseling to argue about cleaning. If you can't afford it (which is understandable) - maybe you can barter your services or art work for it? I can't speak for you, but at the end of my life - I don't want my biggest accomplishment to be a clean house.
10) last but not least - we aren't doing our kids any favors by not teaching them how to have good social skills like not interrupting you, allowing you to finish your thought, or complete your phone call. These are basic life skills that everyone needs. Problems arise when you don't disconnect yourself to plug in to their lives at all.
One last thought - which is meant to be tongue-in-cheek - my theory is that we all screw our kids up in some way, shape or form - it's really just a matter of how badly we do it! Whenever my kids really start to complain or protest about some perceived parental injustice (the toy I'm refusing to buy), I jokingly tell them they can add it to their list of things to talk about with their counselor when they are older.
i closed my facebook account back in january for these very reasons. i. was. addicted. checking fb statuses at every single free chance i got. i'm now back in fb...with limited friends...and without the addiction i had in the past. and with limited status updates on my part.
and now it's not crucial (or even desired) to blog about every single event in our family's lives. weeks pass without blog posts.
and it's all ok by me.
thanks for the insight. thought-provoking and inspiring as usual. :-)
thanks again for your honesty. feel less lonely and crummy as a mom and maybe i wont be so hard on myself.-)
"Moss like in our new backyard?" She asked sitting up taller.
"Yes, you thought moss was sleeping. I have no idea where it came from, but I love knowing that and writing helps me remember."
Sorry, tangent. It's just that my ability to engage and explain some of what I do when not actively trying to do it, made the conflict soften.
Again, thank you for sharing this wisdom, I only wish I could have heard some of it in person.
Today I feel guilty because my golden retrievers sit and stare at me while I blog, write on FB etc! I make sure to take them out to play several times a day so I don't end up having regrets.
Guilt can find you anywhere!
what hits home the most, and makes this all so important is, as you mention, the loss of real connectivity. i saw this change in the 10 years that i managed adult ed. programs - and watched business parters requests change from "skilled individual" to "ability to work with others".
all too often, especially because it's summer time, i allow my kids to watch one movie while i do my computer time, or go to the gym, or go run errands on my bike. but all too quickly one movie turns into two or three. the hours slip away from me and i completely lose track of time.
then suddenly i look up and realize my kids have watched movies all. day. long.
for the last few days, maybe a week now, i've made evenings a no tv time. hubby is working the night shift so this works for us. he leaves the house at 6, but starts getting ready at 5. the tv goes off and does not come on again until the kids are in bed, or the next day. hubby is a big time movie watcher so it does get hard when he also wants to watch tv. i mean i'm not HIS mother. (although i do feel like it at times.... that's saved for another comment! lol)
wonderful post brene! as usual ;)
As a creator, I felt it necessary to create a "girls' night" each Wednesday for my two young daughters and me. It is the one sacred time we turn everything off, and turn to each other with momma's 100% focus on them and our moment. Sometimes we play games, sometimes we go window shopping, or take a drive to watch the sun set. Mostly, we sit, we talk and often bake something yummy (thank God for break & bake), and pour a tall glass of milk and indulge one another. We have come to cherish Girls' Night.
thank you for your honest vulnerability and reminder we are not on this journey alone.
Mothers have been working from home for centuries but it seems the guilt from this is a relatively new feeling--maybe just the latest generation? I certainly don't think my mother felt guilty with her mothering.
One of our many important jobs as parents is to teach our children they can manage without our constant attention and entertain and nurture themselves. If our children can sit quietly and behave when they perceive we are busy or working--that is a good thing! You have done your job teaching your child to be respectful and conscientious of the needs of others.
Mother Guilt is a poison eating up women today--many are so infused with it they turn around and inflict negative behaviors on the other people in their lives--their husbands or caregivers.
I would love to see the day that our society starts holding up parenting and mothering with the respect and nurturing it needs so we can all take a breath and relax--knowing it is the most important job we can do and as long as we are trying our best--then give ourselves a break and a huge pat on the back.
We also can give our children more credit--they are so capable and adaptable. When we micro manage them and make them think they need us for every little thing--when we try to create the perfect world for them with nothing to disappoint or displease them--we are just continuing the cycle of belief that they are not good enough and they have no ability to adapt or to self nurture or entertain themselves. Which is so far from the truth.