the perfect protest

For many years I believed that being my best self meant trying to be perfect. After studying shame, authenticity, and courage for ten years, I realized that I was wrong. Yes, it took that long. I'm hardheaded and I was very invested in being right. Here's what I learned:

Being our best selves is about cultivating the courage to be vulnerable, authentic, and  imperfect. Perfectionism, on the other hand, is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's that simple. Perfection is not about healthy striving or being our best, it's how we protect ourselves. 

In the new book, I write, "Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight."

Putting down the perfection shield is scary. Finding the courage, compassion and connection to move from What will people think? to I am enough! is not easy. But however afraid we are of change, the question that we must ultimately answer is this:

What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?

I've always talked about Wholeheartedness as a movement, and this week I want to invite you to join me in a weeklong Perfect Protest. Here's how:

1. If you blog, post your own Perfect Protest picture and thoughts! Use the Mister Linky below so we can check it out!
2. Change your Facebook or twitter profile picture/avatar for the week and telll people why. Let us know in the comments. 
3. Use the comment section as your protest sign.

Don't worry about having an original sign or the perfect picture. Just write the sign you need to write.

My family was in town this weekend for my niece's birthday. In addition to helping me wrap books for the Houston book launch, they got into the protest spirit!

my sisters, Barrett + Ashleymy mom and stepdadmy dad and stepmom

me + steve

charlie, ellen + my niece amaya

A protest might sound a little dramatic, but in this world, choosing worthiness is an absolute act of resistance! My new battle cry: Authentic and messy is the new perfect!

After you post, leave your name below so we can check out your site!

Comments

[playcrane]

Love this! Especially Charlie's sign.

[iHanna]

What a perfect way to start a revolution and getting people to understand that what is is perfectly good and nice as it is! I want to take a photo and join in, and I wanted you to know that I found your book in my library here in Sweden and I'm reading it now. It's great!

Here is a photo:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ihanna/5029226401/

[Saba]

I might have had a little too much fun on Photo Booth this morning.

[Jennifer]

Seth Godin, marketing genius, has this to say about perfection in his blog titled "More interesting than bowling":

http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2010/09/why-jazz-is-more-interesting-than-bowling.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+typepad%2Fsethsmainblog+%28Seth%27s+Blog%29

[Kathy]

I LOVE THIS!!

[Deb J]

My sign:

Perfection is overated.
Forgiveness is the answer.

[victoria]

This is so wonderful. And your family is truly adorable.

[Jen A.]

Brilliantly inspiring! Starting the book this evening...we're blessed that you are sharing your gifts so courageously and so honestly. xo

[debra]

As an artist I have long been interested in the notion of perfection. I wrote about it last December and linked to that post above. I believe in the Japanese concept: Wabi Sabi, the art and practice of honoring the imperfect. Thanks for addressing this .

[Liz Ness]

LOVE this post -- especially, the photo of "goofy."

My neice wrote a poem (several years ago) about all of the people that influenced her and how -- she said she got her goofy from me. I was so honored and thought, "Yup. That's my contribution to the world -- a bunch of smiles and fun to bring out the fun and smiles of others."

Meanwhile, I kind of forgot about that...this post and project is a GREAT reminder. Thanks for being so cool!

[Kelly Warren]

Brene, I really, really like this idea. I'm the Director of Student Life and Leadership Development at a very large state college in Florida (6 campuses, 60,000 students). We are planning a mental health awareness day for next week, and I think this would be the perfect project to add to our efforts. I can really see students getting into this. I also teach Student Life Skills classes and can see this project working well in my classes. Adding to both! We'll post some pictures to share next week!

Interestingly enough, I've just been reading through some of the responses on my SLS class discussion board for our chapter called "Understanding Myself". It's amazing the self-esteem issues I'm seeing there...how so many of them struggle with meeting new people yet they spend hours on Facebook. It seems face-to-face communication skills have taken a dive, possibly due to the explosion of online social media communications. I'd be interested to hear your take on that. Maybe a future blog post? Or feel free to email me.

Thanks! Kelly

[terri st. cloud]

oh my gosh! i'm in!

[Kay Marie]

Brene,
Tussen Takk for the incredible PROTEST against Perfection! Mine is from my inner Warrior Woman who is fighting all who attempt to make me conform to their idea of how I should be perfect. My choice is to be Authentic.
With appreciation and blessings from the Prairie,
Kay Marie

[Bonnie]

I need to take a picture of the cross-stitch I made for my Mom years ago (if I can find it). It says, "Dull Women Have Immaculate Houses".

: )

I love how my daughter demonstrated her uniqueness yesterday at your house by devouring all your edamame with no shame at all! Wow!

xoxo

[Tina]

Since I don't have blog, I created a new profile pic for my Facebook page. It simply states, "I don't have time to be perfect. I am too busy learning to love myself just the way I am." After decades of unsuccessful perfectionism, I am so thrilled to learn through Brene's research and this community that there is beauty in imperfection and poetry in the process of becoming who I was always meant to be as I let go of trying to be who I THOUGHT everyone else wanted me to be. What a gift it is to embrace my own soul and feel, for the first time in my life, that I matter.

[Pamela Jones]

I think perfection flew away from my life after the birth of my second child. It is much easier to dance through life when you don't have to worry whether you know the right steps. Why struggle to be the best when you can be your own best self instead?

[Monica L.H.]

I love, love, LOVE this! What a wonderful gift of an exercise! My facebook profile pic is changed... my sign reads: messy + real are WAY more rewarding than perfect

[Jennifer]

First a big sigh, then a deep breath... yikes.
Thanks for being here...

[Jessica]

I LOVE Steve's sign!

[jerry]

I appreciate the permission to be myself. Thanks!

[rachael maddox]

woo! the first thing i sent you via twitter isn't from my site... just something i found. :) HERE's a link to my site with my protest!

awesome idea. LOVE IT. and i LOVE the pics of your fam. TOO CUTE!

http://rachmadlove.blogspot.com/2010/09/love.html

[Dee Dee]

You've made the Billy Bragg lyric be in my head all day..."So start your own revolution and cut out the middle man." Truly, we've been waiting for the great leap forward and here it is!!

I did my FB pic and my sign is wordy (wha?!): "So long, Perfect, I've got a life to live and people to love, including me." Eleanor made me add "and pets" to who I love when she took my picture. And as I made her take a second pic, I laughed...it's a process, right? :)

[Allison]

Mine: I am too beautiful to be perfect.

My dog's: I am happy bein' yappy and too prissy to be perfect!

[Rebecca]

Have you been listening into my thoughts today? Thank you so much for your work, its like looking into a mirror. Good luck with the book launch, sending positive vibes from the UK xxxx

[Eden]

Well......all i can say is......this is the PERFECT post!! LOL!! I am excited to participate, will be back when I can think of something to write on my sign :D

[Jeff Christian]

I love your work, Dr. Brown, especially after my wife Jennifer introduced me. As a preacher, I spent the first 20 years of my career trying to be perfect. When I let go, it got much better.

http://emptypulpit.blogspot.com

Many blessings.

[gargi]

Lovely pictures! Great work!

I embrace the imperfect me!

Thank you,

Gargi

[Holly Case]

Love this movement! So much gratitude for your work Dr. Brown and for watching it touch the lives of those I love!

[Merry ME]

I'm too tired to be perfect!

[B.]

I don't hear anyone saying how hard it is to catch yourself striving for perfection. If it is in my awareness, I can talk to myself. But frequently, it comes in under cover and grabs me.

I would appreciate hearing if anyone else STRUGGLES with this.

[Eloiza]

I'm a Superstar-- No Need to Be Perfect!

Your courage and wisdom in fostering this movement is just, well, PERFECT!

Much love,
Eloiza

[Tina]

B.-
I cannot speak for anyone else here, but I can tell you that perfectionism is learned behavior, a habitual ritual I struggle with because I experienced shame during critical times in my emotional development. It is that nagging whisper within me that CONSTANTLY critiques and grades my every thought and action AFTER the fact. And it's something from which I don't think I will ever fully recover. However, I am learning new tools to recognize the quest for perfectionism no matter how cunningly it may disguise itself, call it by name, and then remind that voice within me that I'm not perfect. I am a living, breathing, loving, creative, authentic, beautiful, capable, strong, funny, brilliant woman. But I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that.

[Eran]

I'm just learning that being imperfect is enough - perfection is too overwhelming! Thank you for this awesome project!!!

[Erica Staab]

Beautiful, touching and a fantastic reminder to ditch the perfection and LIVE!

Live fully, love completely and laugh often... and letting go of being perfect at any of it... what freedom lies in that :).

Thank you for your courage, your vulnerability and your incredible POWER.
You (ALL) are amazing :).

[stefanie renee]

this has been so inspiring to me today and I can't wait to see and hear you speak on Thursday in SF!!!! yahoooooo!

[Liz C.]

Love this!! And I cannot wait to read the book:) Still trying to be present, not perfect...

[apol]

I have a post-it to my screensaver saying "authenticity is a daily practice...owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do." I have to look at it and let it sink in every day. My think patterns have been so screwed up for so long, I do not even know who I am anymore. The chronic shame and perfectionism has taken over my whole being. This site and your book has enabled me to start a journey towards being real and vulnerable. I'm scared to death; but I am taking baby steps. I think it's working because when I am around others, I feel I HAVE TO share my painful story. I feel I am being a fake person by holding back. I think that is a sign from you and God to start sharing. Yikes am I PETRIFIED!

[Deborah Moskowitz]

I gave up perfectionism in 1996 when I was working my way through "The Artist's Way," by Julia Cameron, and she said, "Perfectionism is the highest form of self abuse". That was a smack up-side the head with a 2x4 - and I've NEVER forgotten it!

[melissa]

I love this! So inspiring...thank you! I posted my protest today.

[Nicole Ketchum]

I'm too busy being relaxed and happy to try to be perfect about when I will get pregnant. Has not worked and so, in relaxing out of the perfectionism, I am more my self now and less concerned about the "perfect" timing and age of when I conceive. I am just living!

[lisa & bella]

Not ashamed to admit that I read it straight through, couldn't put it down, and then re-read it again with our faithful Bella by my side. Parts I read aloud, so we both join the protest. May the world take notice!

[Allie]

Thanks for this idea - my son and I had fun with it!

[Anita]

Love this Brene!!!

[Sarah Gish]

Thanks for doing this, Brene! My perfectionism really got in the way of my creating art -- it was so hard to let go of the image in my mind when it didn't match the image in front of me. This was a great way to remind myself to live in the middle of the messiness of art -- and of life.

[Jane @ 7of]

I love the battle cry "messy and authentic is the new perfect!" I am telling this to everyone I know! Thank you thank you!!

[Janice Barnett]

Thought provoking - our ideas of perfection are as unique as we are. Let's strive for authentic. Thanks for the blog

[michelle]

now THAT was fun!! thank you!! xo

[Pamela]

Thank you so much for the heads-up about this post, Brené! I think this is an absolutely fantastic idea and you are SO right that I love it. You're amazing and are making such a difference in people's lives!

[deborah]

What a fantastic idea!

I love that we are all perfectly imperfect. I love that allowing ourselves to be that, by celebrating it we allow others to live their biggest lives too.

Thank you Brene for your constant inspiration and courage.

[Patricia]

Didn't make a sign but thought this was a wonder full idea and yes let's have a revolution.
Getting some very good comments on the book review I did of your new book for TLC book tours and am hoping you might drop by for a visit?

I very much liked your book and how your methodology works. Thank you for sharing this work and entering it into our lives