stop. look. listen.

What's wrong with our kids?  Why is bullying such a problem? What's happened to civility?

If you want answers to these questions, stop, look and listen to what's happening in response to the tragedy in Arizona.

Turn on talk scream radio. Watch the political talk shows. Read the op/eds.

Rage is so much easier than grief.

Creating fear in others is so much easier than facing our own.

Cruelty and name-calling is a cheap and easy way to discharge pain.

Shaming is a great way to shield ourselves from vulnerability.

Blaming feels good but has nothing to do with real accountability.

Last month I wrote an article on bullying for Psychology Today. I ended it with a question that I will pose again:

"The answer to the bullying problem starts with this question: Do we have the courage to be the adults that our children need us to be?"

While the raging and blaming grabs headlines (and ratings), I hope we pull our families and friends a little closer and feel grateful for what we have. I hope we can work to be a little more compassionate and empathic with the people around us.

Uncertainty and fear can bring out the worst in us or the best. Being our best selves in the face of a national tragedy is not always the default response, but it is always a choice.

Comments

[Terri Wingham]

Brene,
I love this post. Thank you for reminding us that creating fear in others is so much easier than facing our own. I love your blog and can't wait to read your book.
Terri
www.afreshchapter.com

[Ellyn]

Thank yo Brene for bringing peace and compassion that is needed and assisting me to continue to spread this to all through our children for our children...

[Deb]

I so agree Brene'. We need to support each other and speak our opinions always with courtesy and respect. I have seen very little of that in the last few years. It sure seemed to wear off fast after we were all brought together by 9/11.
Why does it take tragedy to make us think?
I still have hope.

[Melissa]

I'm so glad you wrote this, it makes so much sense.

Bless!

Melissa

[Denese Bottrell]

Brene, I couldn't agree more. I thought President Obama did a nice job last night explaining that part of a human's grieving process is to try to assign an explanation for "why this awful event happened." Our minds want answers. Unfortunately, in our efforts, we make assumptions and form opinions around things we will never know for sure.

He did a nice job reminding us that bad things happen. Things that do not make sense, will never make sense and we will never truly know why. The only one who knows is the person who did it and God, the universe, whatever you call your spiritual source. It struck me that it was unusual to hear our leaders speak in such a way. Topics like these are usually avoided for fear of offending someone.

I thought he provided great comfort to the nation. We need more messages like this in our world. More reminders like your post and your life work that can help us not only make sense of tragedy but to realize the choice we have every single day to contribute to a more peaceful, loving, productive community.

By the way, I live in Tucson....Thank you for talking about this. It means a lot to us.

[Jenny W]

Thank you for this post. I have been praying that the mess in Arizona will help bring about a return to civility in our nation. I can't help but feel the irony of the little girl who was born 9-11 dying. To me, that marks the day we as a nation became super-suspicious of others, and that the rhetoric has gotten nastier and nastier since then. I do not listen to talk radio (or watch much TV) so I live fairly insulated, but the stories I have been reading lately have left me feeling ill.

[Bethanne]

Brene, I love this post. So true! Every time my son receives a compliment for his behavior - from a complete stranger - I credit all that I've learned from your work and your books. THANK YOU.

Bethanne

[Donna Fisher]

Thank you Brene. I was just yesterday thinking, "where can I post something about the relationship between bullying in our schools and the way adults are speaking and behaving and treating each other on certain TV shows, radio shows and community venues?" We all have responsibility for what we model in our world. Speaking even in difficult and emotional situations requres a maturity and commitment to create a positive outcome that is for the greater good.

[The Other Laura]

Amen!

[Rich]

I appreciate your concerns, but I believe most have missed the mark on this. This crazy person could have just as easily killed a group of nuns or school children or grocery shoppers. There's no accounting for what sets off the whims of insanity. You cannot measure his actions with the same yardstick you do your own or your neighbors. Political rhetoric has mellowed compared to a hundred or two hundred years ago. Politics is and should be heated argument. We're talking about the nature of freedom and liberty and who controls the reigns of power. This republic is the shining light of the world. This was to be the utopia dreamed of by generations before us. It's our duty to protect it and to further it's perfection without destroying the basic tenets of it's constitution. Politics demands that we take an adamant and fervent stand for equal rights under the law. Disagreement will occur. Please don't muzzle that. This tragedy was not about political rhetoric. It was about a sick mind.

[Lori DiGuardi]

Brene, I heard from you that blame comes when we are afraid and are in pain. Yes, I've been there, and it was true for me. Malidoma Some' PhD, an African elder, shaman, and diviner, from Burkino Faso, says that a tyranny of fear leads people to recklessness. Yes, I know that one too. Fortunately not any longer but I know. We as a nation, as a culture, still know these things and live them every day. It is disheartening.

It is a vicious cycle that can only take a new turn if awareness and healing are present/desired. Courage is needed for that. But until people realize there is another way, a way that they are not well versed in or not taught about, (nor makes money in the media) courage won't be summoned for something they don't know is needed and can't understand. Transformation can't happen when people are locked in a power struggle. It is my extreme hope that your work in action, will ripple out to those who are in pain and need to be acknowledged, so that they need not express themselves as you describe in your excellent article 'The Cruelty Crisis".

Thank you for your work!

[Susan McCamey]

I've been reflecting with a lot of sadness on how I participate in the culture wars. I sometimes listen to left wing talk radio, mostly for the laughs. I watch Keith Olbermann on occasion, although his sanctimonious delivery gets on my nerves. I love Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report, definitely for the laughs. I listen to it all with a grain of salt and I am discriminating. I realize it is comic relief. But I'm going to give it all up for Christina Taylor Green. Because it's toxic and insidious and I'm tired of participating.

My own personal family experience with political differences leads me to see the culture wars so clearly. Sometimes I don't even think all this anger about politics is even about politics. It's about shame and fighting shame with shame. Liberals shame conservatives and conservatives shame liberals. It's about class, education. lifestyle and feeling that the other side disrespects you. Then we branch into opposite camps and chose teams.

I've heard the arguments that the left isn't as bad as the right, not as violent...etc. This reminds me of the couples therapy I did with my husband. The bottom line is it doesn't matter who starts it or whose behavior is worse. Someone just has to stop, even if the other half doesn't. I have been realizing that even if my brand of shame is less violent, this doesn't make it less toxic. I still participate in the cycle of contempt, disdain, blame, and polarization.

A few nights ago, I listened to NPR on the way home instead of Ed Schultz. I heard the story of one of the lost boys of Sudan and the school he is setting up for boys. He had a voice like Thich Nhat Hanh, a presence with such gentleness and humility it healed me. Then I heard a pianist's reinterpretations of Bach. They were beautiful.

So with much sadness I bid Jon Stewart adieu. You are hilarious and brilliant but you make me snotty, mean-spirited, and self-righteous. I'm going to spend more time with Thich. For Christina.
"Root out the violence in your life, and learn to live compassionately and mindfully. Seek peace. When you have peace within, real peace with others is possible.
Thich Nhat Hanh

[Elizabeth]

Thank you for this...... your words ring true and provide inspiration to us all.
Thank you for the work you do and God bless.

[Faye Cossar]

Hear hear! Love your work Brene - its a pleasure to read something positive, responsible, and best of all funny sometimes.

[Playcrane]

Been waiting to hear from you on this very issue.

I'm quite aware when I judge the "hateful comments" I may be doing the very thing I don't like to hear and see.

[Kendra Brodin]

Beautiful and powerful post, Brene. Thank you -- I hope as a nation and as individuals we can choose to see this unspeakable tragedy in Arizona as an opportunity to come together, to finally end some of the bitterness, rage, and partisanship that we have fueled through words, actions, and complacency. I see flickers of this in the headlines and on television, and I hope that this event will serve a much higher purpose.

[Nancy Waldo]

Thank you for this, Brene.

I wrote a blog about this same topic (like many many people) and would like to share it with you and your readers.

http://centeringingod.blogspot.com/2011/01/what-can-i-do-about-hatred.html

P.S. I'm also in the Dream Lab, and it is fabulous.

Nancy Waldo

[naima]

"Do we have the courage to be the adults that our children need us to be?"

This question is so essential, and so overlooked in most parenting books, groups, etc.

Fantastic Question!

[Karen]

Hello There! I really appreciated reading this post today! Thanks for being the voice of compassion and clarity for us. Thanks! Karen

[Beckita in Montana]

So true, Brené.

It seems to me, the courage to be the adult both the children and all people of this nation need us to be involves the willingness to be mindful and therefore self-aware... the willingness to be loving and kind to ourselves and therefore to others. There's plenty of room for disagreement immersed in respect and the upholding each person's dignity.

I'm willing to bet many flat out don't know how to do this. This is yet another reason why your work is so important! It's a safe harbor in the storms of rage in this culture. It's also important for each person who has the courage and vulnerability to live in a wholehearted way to voice the concerns you have raised when the opportunity arises. Who will speak if we don't?

"When liberty becomes license, dictatorship is near." Will Durant

[Deirdre]

Amen.

[Deb J]

I so agree. I had an angry father. I saw my tendencies to do the same when pushed into a corner, stressed, etc. I fought it so I don't become him. God is good in that he keeps me from letting go. He has taken the rage away and filled me with peace. It is wonderful.

[Christa]

Yay, you! Thank you for, once again, summing up what might be overwhelming in a way that is so very easy to take in....

See you on the Mondo site!

Off to post link to your wonderful words on FB...

[Stephanie]

Wow. Well said! I'm passing this on!

[diane herman]

tune in to some overseas news...look at what is happening in other countires...
right now 75% of the Australian state of Queensland has been affected by flood waters 15 people have been washed a way from their families and 55 are still missing but no-one is angry, no-one is raging, no-one is blaming...they are all digging in helping others

a lot of other communities could learn a lot from these amazing Australians...they are displaying something all Australian are proud of...Our Aussie Spirit of charity, compassion, helping a mate and NOT blaming!!!

[Leslie]

I was a teacher for so many years until my heart could take it no more. The bullying done by adults to each other; administrator to teacher...very real systemic poison. The same people would develop the legally required bully programs but would model bullying. I was so outnumbered when asking to engage in loving and supportive communication with each other. Instead I was treated with disdain and ousted, just like a bully would do. I want to find more educators to join me to model crucial conversations, positive communications, and heal the education system. We cannot educate until we communicate effectively. Thanks Brene for bringing this social issue forward. It is my hope that we continue to be mindful of our roles with the need of a tragedy.

[Janet Siry]

Brene,

Thank you for speaking out on this issue. Since the Tucson tragedy, I have been disgusted by the rhetoric of hatred that seems to be filling the media and the ignorance of the people who hate rather than build up our country and our world.

All I can see is the face of a 9 yr old girl with a bright spirit, a fellow social worker doing what he was born to do, public servants bringing the democratic process home to their constituents, senior citizens living their life to the fullest in Arizona and all the members of the community whose lives changed forever that day.

I was reminded of how powerless I felt on September 11,2001 when our community and people I knew were victimized by the events of the day.

I heard the horrors of flooding in Australia...thought of those women and children around the world who would go to sleep hungry or in danger of losing their lives..remembrances of Haiti a year ago.

I don't have time or the desire to hear the vitriol and hated that surrounds us very day in the country I love so I choose to focus on what I can do one day at a time to make a difference in this world...

May God rest the souls of the dead and bring comfort to those left behind.

A proud American Lutheran Christian Social Worker,
Janet

[Rick Ackerly]

Great post. Thank you.

[Susan Milligan]

Bre ... Thank you for your post. Beautifully stated! Imagine a world where people followed the one truth ... LOVE and Jesus' Golden Rule "Do onto others." So simple yet we make it so complicated by creating illusions that feed the chain of pain instead of breaking it.

[Mamastemama (Lori Anne)]

Bravo Bene!
Parenting well is all about holding ourselves accountable to the very qualities we want our children to embody. This is the real work. Not shaping them into who we want them to be, but shaping ourselves into the people we want to be for them.

We could all benefit from learning more about compassion, peaceful communication and reconciliation. The language of Nonviolent Communication(www.nonviolentcommunication.com) used by peacemakers teaches us that a different approach is worth a try. Thousands of years of human interaction based upon aggression hasn’t seemed to solve the problem, so why not try something new? And why not start with ourselves in our own lives? It’s usually as good a place as any to practice peacemaking.
Lori Anne

[Mamastemama (Lori Anne)]

oops! Brene that is! Didn't put on my readers yet. ;-)

[Jennifer]

Thank you for the wonderful post! Beautifully said. What an inspiration you are to me and my family! God bless.

[Stuart Baker]

Beautiful post, Brene. What I kept feeling in reading what you wrote is the separation from others engendered by rage, fear, blaming, shaming and hurting. And the separation can just feed and justify itself.

Thanks for the gentle wisdom.

Stuart Baker

[Kimberlee McElfresh]

Thanks for writing what so many of us are feeling and saying but I guess not loud enough to make a difference. - we let all the "talking heads" make all the comments that we may or may not agree with The tragedy in Tucson is so very horrific - the pix they repeatedly show of the perpetrator is totally spooky but sadly that just the beginning of what will be long story with a very sad ending in so many different ways..

[Craig Ross]

Name calling is our way of dehumanising a person so that we can treat them poorly while keeping our conscience intact. If they are not human then they are not worthy to be treated as such. Or so the thinking goes. Seeing a person as human while wishing them harm puts us in conflict with our personal values. (The ideals that we live by.) To resolve this conflict we label them as subhuman. We use words like Monster, Selfish, Asshole, Nutcase. A century or two ago it was Heathen, Godless and Witch. Our fight is not with others it is with our internal values that are so readily in conflict. For every value that we believe in we also believe in a contradictory value. Instead of resolving these contradictions, through thought and reflection, we project the conflict onto the person that triggers our awareness of it. That is how we resolve our problems today. We seek justification to blame others. All this does is make us righteous willing victims. But what the heck. It's easer than being accountable for my conflicting values right?!

[Britta]

Thank you so much for this post! It reminds me that - once again - it all comes down to how we choose to behave and react.

[Kath]

Good info. You're right. And I do not like seeing this guy when I refresh your blog page. <waiting for a new blog, patiently> <3

[deb]

I was listening to CBC, Mary Hines and Tapestry and you were on it! It was so nice to hear your voice and loved what you had to say about imperfection and being our own true selves. I'm working on it.

[Michelle]

Hi,
I wanted to say what a nice and interesting blog. I look forward to reading more and thank you for this post.

[Allison]

@rich, with all due respect, I really believe that political discourse can be impassioned without resorting to name-calling, blame, and ad hominem attacks. I don't see the two things being the same at all. In fact, a good argument advances the positions of both sides by presenting evidence to support the various points of view, and then each side can rebut the other with the same. The result is usually a much more nuanced understanding of how complex an issue is. Name calling does just the opposite. It shuts down the possibility of greater understanding, and advances nothing but the heated emotions themselves. Freedom isn't attained by defending one's viewpoint beyond reason. Passionate argument can achieve great things, but not if the sole objective is to create a winner and a loser. Unfortunately, politics aims to achieve that above all. Which is why the world's problems will never be resolved by politicians.

[sue bock]

I remember being bullied as a child, then as an adult. Being on the receiving end is no picnic. Being courageous and understanding that those dishing out the pain, their pain, is something to be reminded of when that situation. Learning to walk away is the most courageous act possible. Thanks for bringing up this topic Brene.

[Robert Meyer]

We need to step back and realize that even our fore fathers had rage and anger and it was sometimes more out of hand than in. It is our national conversation that is freedom's treasure yet it is best done in kindness and respect with the sacrifice of pricipal and truth.

But in perspective, this was an act of terror by a disturbed mind.

[Gerrianne Clare]

As the parent who has seen first hand how hatred and jealousy can destroy a child's self esteem I have learned so much from my daughter's courage in finding her way through verbal abuse.
As she suffered, I suffered. I started to own the horrible words and began to feel my daughter's shame and hurt. As a parent, it is challenging to know how to support your child so they do not feel victimized by those around them but powerful to stand tall in the face of it all.
My daughter is an adult now and is challenged by friendships to this day. It breaks my heart to watch her process. but she is finding her own way. I see my path is to forgive the abusers, to not let them win by hanging on to the pain. If I do not let go of the pain, then their words will continue to live true in my heart and I cannot grow.
Thanks Brene, for again, bringing up some soulful words in the midst of society's pain.
Much love to you

[libramoon]

The actual hard question is: What can we do in practical, "real world" ways to create a future in which the default position is to act with respect for all?

[michah]

This makes each wonder / contemplate oneself and our contribution and that's why this piece is exceptional. Thank you.

[Margie]

As a teacher is see the phenomenon all the time: "We are going to stand here until you stop talking. I'm waiting!"

Well, what you are waiting for is for some kids to bully other kids into being quiet so they can go to lunch.

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