contributions, criticisms and courage

In a culture that tells us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate, and that being vulnerable is being weak, it is so much easier to criticize than it is to contribute.

I've been reading a lot of online news articles recently and the comment sections on news sites have become the cesspool of humanity. It's hate, criticism, bigotry, ridiculing, belittling - and mostly by folks who are anonymous and hiding behind avatars. That kind of rock throwing is so cheap, easy, and, in my opinion, chicken shit.

I rarely (if ever) read comments that say, "I disagree with this person's arguement or assessment of the situation, I've published my argument here. Take a look and let me know what you think."

I understand the value of social criticism. I study it and require it in my classes. But real social criticism is an important contribution and is done by people who own their work and open themselves up to risk and vulnerability.

I also value constructive feedback and engaged, respectful debate. It's harder to do that online than it is to do it face-to-face, but it's worth the effort. At some point, online news websites need to step up and take responsibility for the content in their comment sections. It's not too difficult to require folks to submit real emails and information. There are plenty of sites that do that.

While I can't control how other people/systems approach this, here's my new mantra/prayer/commitment:

At the end of the meeting/at the end of the day/at the end of my life, I want to be able to say, "I contributed more than I criticized."

Imperfection is not inadequacy - it's what connects us to each other and to our humanity. Vulnerability is not weakness - it's the birthplace of love, creativity, innovation, authenticity and joy.

To all of you out there sharing your thoughts and stories, pitching ideas at work, raising your hand in class, and making the world more beautiful with your art - thank you for your courage! 

You are my superheros!

Comments

[KCLAnderson (Karen)]

Having been brought up in a family where criticism was the norm, it's only been in the past few years that I finally became aware that I tended to come from a place of criticism, not just with others but also with myself. Changing that has changed everything! It's amazing!

Thank you so much for your work!

[Rika Nauck]

Thank you!

Thank you for your research, thank you for your encouragement, thank you for just being there!
xx

[playcrane]

So refreshing to hear these words. My word for the year is KIND. I'm working hard to first see the good in others (which I firmly believe in) rather than criticized which is often my knee-jerk reaction.

Thanks for the mantra. I am copying it and taping it to my computer right now.

[Donna]

I have also long considered online comments to be a scourge on humanity, though I have to admit, being new to your work, that it was as much a head-meet-wall moment about the sad state of (the lack of) education in the US as it was about the hate and small-mindedness. I tend to never even look at them anymore, but it really would be amazing to have sites take responsibility to clean it up so that those sites could become places for reasonable debate. Think of what we could actually manage to get done!

[Katie @ cakes, tea and dreams]

To contribute (and create!) more than we criticize - YES. This is so important. Isn't there an old saying about how anyone can tear down, but it takes real courage to build something?

Thanks for these honest, brave words, Brene.

[Kats]

Thanks for this, Brene' - I have found that people seem to react intensely when they feel that their position or perspective is threatened, or that they are being misrepresented in some way. As you mention, it can be a challenge online to express our feelings in a moderated fashion. I also wonder if there is in our society a decline in general civility and manners? And does this get exacerbated online? While I understand this behavior, I can't condone it. I've seen writers threaten other writers online and accuse them of terrible motives when in most cases I expect the writers didn't even know each other IRL and may have only read a few blog posts. Thank you for bringing up this topic and for your mantra - more contributing, less criticizing for me too!

[Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy League Insecurities]

Where to begin... Was just en route from preschool to Starbucks to spend a few hours wrestling with my second novel when I received an email from a lovely writer friend linking me to your TED talk on courage and wholeheartedness and vulnerability. This friend had just read my blog post from yesterday - http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2011/01/stop-being-so-strong/ - and thought I might enjoy and appreciate your words.

I sat there at my little table with my decaf coffee (pregnancy, alas) and watched every minute of your wonderful and humorous talk. It seems you have spent years researching and writing about a truth I have just stumbled upon, namely that vulnerability is everything. I have struggled with being vulnerable my whole life, but I am suddenly realizing how important it is to allow ourselves to be seen, truly seen.

Anyway, I had to come here and leave a comment and to say thank you. For your words, your thoughts, your story. It turns out that the novel I've been struggling with is all about vulnerability. Another thing clicks into place...

Thank you. Feel free to take a look at my post (link above) if you get a moment. Indeed it's a rookie musing compared to what you have going on here and elsewhere, but I thought you might get a kick out of it.

I look forward to reading more...

Aidan

[Dandy]

Hi Brene,
I absolutely agree. This is something I've noticed before and it bothers me too. Disagreeing is ok, but folks need to put something on the table to discuss. The barage of criticism gets nowhere. I'm new to your blog and I enjoy clicking around. You do very nice work. Thanks Brene!

~Dandy

[ctkenye]

I was raised and then educated to believe that criticism is the hallmark of the refined mind. I am also an INTJ personality type, so finding fault with everything is easy for me. And it's horrible. It's only recently that I have come to realize how much this poisons everything for me and those around me. It's hard unlearning the habits of a lifetime, but I am trying to make both the first and last words out of my mouth kind ones. Most of the time, the best I can do is make the last ones kind ones--after having noticed how mean the first ones are.

[Holly]

What a great post! Thank you for sharing this perspective on imperfection and criticism.

I loved when you said, I want to be able to say, "I contributed more than I criticized." - the more people that want and strive for this, the better off we will all be.

[SueB]

Thanks Brene. I think this is something that is starting to trouble a lot of us and should. With so many online forums where people can voice their opinion and remain anonymous it has become a way of life. I think a lot of it starts in our own personal lives, with friends or family where we can laugh about the things we say, but it isn't funny. And worse our young people are reading and hearing this and then think it's okay. I have been personally watching myself and if everyone who reads your blog does that....it will be a great start.

[Charles Martineau]

I agree with you when thne these days, we seem to read sooo much criticism that has a "form" but with no depth. Maybe that's because we neglect the necessity to criticize because we are afraid to be vulnerable. Once we accept that we are all vulnerable, that is when we can start criticizing with depth (with respect and reason). I highly suggest you to read this paper by Karl Popper: http://www.bmj.com/content/287/6409/1919.citation titled The critical attitude in medicine: the need for a new ethics.
You will enjoy it. Its a short read. It was written in the early 80s. It touches your main point.

[diana strinati baur]

Brené, it's really true. The kind of public commenting you mention here reminds me (warning: this analogy takes place in Italy at really busy traffic circles which drive me to the edge of hyperventilation) of people behind the wheel who give you the finger or scream at you or threaten you within an inch of your life with bared teeth for no apparent reason that you can think of. The car is protection from vulnerability. It makes people feel isolated and righteous. If you get the same person OUT of the car (or out of their vulnerability shielding anonymity of an avatar), they are rarely so horrific. Left in their shame and anger without vulnerability to soften them, they can be very caustic.

I am always humbled when people, in their comments on my blog, explain one of their own vulnerable or soft spots. I try to tread gently, because I have so many of my own.

Light and love and warm wishes to you from this side of the pond! xo

[Kyleigh]

Thank you for this post, Brene. (Actually I look forward to reading ALL of your posts!) But this one in particular resonated with me, as I have actually stopped reading comments on news posts for this exact reason. I cherish feedback, other perspectives and diversity of thought/opinions, but sadly online forums are so often abused.

Thank you for sharing your committment, as I too look to choose this for myself and my life. Imagine the impact on the world if all of could just have a little more tolerance and respect for one another.

[traceyclark]

so well-said! i feel the same way brene!

[Jen May]

Timely post for me to read. I'm currently receiving insults left and right on my blog. Words can either hurt or heal, and most have chosen to send hurtful words my way.

[Grey Street Girl]

Yes! This is such an inspirational mantra. I was just talking to a friend about Twitter and how everyone complains and criticizes, but they don't do anything positive to change things for the better. Thank you for putting it so succinctly!

[mosey]

A perfect thing for me to read today - thank you. I am so *self* critical (working on it) that reading those harsh news items criticisms just makes me cringe. I'm as guilty as anyone feeling judgey from time to time, but taking some time to temper our responses to it, to be more empathetic, would benefit us all.

[Denny]

Interesting food for thought today. I find myself feeling really sad and frustrated at that level of communication I find in comment sections - mostly because I really value kindness and consideration and there is precious little of either of those. I read a lot of judgment, blame and insults; none of which constitute criticism in my book. But I believe it starts with your intent. If you want to make someone "wrong" for the opinions expressed or for whatever has been reported then the words you use will support that viewpoint. If your intent is to foster learning and understanding (your own, the original poster's or any other reader's) the words will result in a more thoughtful, imo useful critique.

[sana quijada]

at the end of the day, i hope to meet you there. thanks for the positive turn. keep on.

[Pam McD]

Amen! I wish I had said it that way! (but I'm glad that SOMEONE did!) Thanks, Brene!

[Faye Cossar]

Your rants rule! Keep up the good work - if you want to see some really nasty rants( which I'm sure you don't) try being an astrologer :) It is truly amazing how intelligent people can become so vitriolic since they obviously consider astrology a worthy enemy even though they know nothing about it and have even less interest in finding out about it. It still amazes me how many people feel they have a right to an opinion with zero knowledge of the subject.

[Tina]

HI Brene,

Nicely said! It's always easier to tear down than build up and it's not helpful. In my own life, I'm beginning to notice that while it's easy and satisfying to be sarcastic about things, it brings people down. My new mantra is 'raise the energy' (also known as 'thou shalt not party-poop or otherwise be a downer'.

Thanks for all that you do.

xx

[Katie]

Brene, I love this. I love that you salute everyone who raises their hand. For me, that one turn of phrase spoke directly to my heart and I envisioned those hesitant moments we each have before we dare to share and show ourselves, imperfections and all. Lovely.

[Nancee]

Newcomer to your work and already a big fan. Thank you!

[Christine]

Indeed, I too avoid the comments on news articles like the plague. They are mostly not worth my attention. What a shame, when there could be such fruitful discussion of important issues.

I'm going to bookmark this post - I need to be reminded, often, that it's okay.

[JennaKate]

Thank you for your thoughts on this. This is really an area where I could make changes. It's often so easy to hide my fears and vulnerabilities behind a shield of judgment and shaming. It takes a deeper committment to authenticity that fuels the courage and willingness to connect with others. It also takes, for me, a connection with my own sense of self that is unswayed by the same kinds of criticism and judgment that I dish out so easily.

You're a superhero too, sister. Just shared your analogy of superpower/kryptonite as strenght/struggle with a client today, and it made beautiful sense to her. Thank you, you are a gift!

[Angela DiGiovanni | life * photos * art]

You summed that up SO well... "it is so much easier to criticize than it is to contribute."

Criticizing is the lazy way out, and changes nothing. I am a teacher in my church, and have realized how imperative it is for honest and constructive feedback from students. The teacher and the student need each other for a successful and enjoyable lesson. With all good intentions, if the teacher isn't meeting the needs of the student, the lesson goes in vain. If the student isn't willing to give feedback, the teaching goes in vain. Such is life...

Thanks for a thoughtful post (once again)!

[Rick Ackerly]

You really hit what is the essence of education and the concepts in your TED talk should be at the the driving force behind what does on in schools, define the culture of schools, the touch stone for all teachers and parents. Students pay a high price when they are running from mediocrity toward superiority, hoping not to get caught being vulnerable, terrified of failing.
We all should never let our "schooling interfere with our education."

[Cheri]

Criticizing and complaining for the sake of criticizing and complaining is a waste of time and effort. If sites would require that when you post a complaint or criticism, you also include a suggestion or new idea for changing whatever it is you are going on about... then we might be getting somewhere! I rarely visit news sites just because the comment sections tend to destroy my serenity!

[Sundi Jo]

Great post. Thanks for sharing. I used to criticize more than I contributed. Once I started seeing myself for who I really was, frankly, I didn't like it. Thrilled God has changed that in me.

[bahiehk]

thanks, I love the last two paragraphs!!!!

[Trish]

Your words are powerful and true. Thank you for modelling this through your work and sharing it in the way you do. Here's to Superhero's

[Deb J]

Yes, yes, yes!! I so agree with you. I was raised with some very critical parents and learned to equate love with perfection. It has taken years to be able to rise aboe that. It also took years to see that I was the same way to an extent. Now that I have a some years of non-critical life I am amazed at how wonderful life can be when you look at the half full side of things rather than the half empty.

[Beck]

Let's leave our camp site, house, company, and world better than we found it.

[Janea Taylor]

YOU are my superhero!!!!

[steve c]

You are so right Brene. Last September the Chronicle published an article on one of my school programs. I read it in print and was pleased for the coverage. My coworker exitedly looked it up online to see what people were saying. I told him I didn't want to spoil the joy of the moment. He didn't understand what I was saying until he read the comments under the article. A small handful of people who either did not read or did not understand spewing bile. These same people post on everything, always negative or conspiracy theory related. It really has nothing to do with anything they read. It is about their own issues, hatred, and fear. They probably weren't blessed with loving parents or maybe they're just off their meds. Life is too short to waste time on negativity, I have children to help.

[Sherry Osadchey]

Amen!

[Neri]

A different tone. Well said.

[Catie]

Thank you, Brene.
It was a particularly venomous week on the web and elsewhere last week. Between the responses to the shootings in Tucson and then responses to Amy Chua's article in the Wall Street Journal about Chinese Parenting, there was a lot of hate and criticism being tossed around blithely. Thank you for, as always, getting to the heart of the matter. It doesn't take ordinary or any other kind of courage to slam other people anonymously. Thank you for your courageous contributions!!!

[Patty Sherry]

As I think about growing up and going to school, I can remember there were always those people who everyone knew by their "nick name" Crazy Mary, Fat George. It was like it was the norm. As I reflect on this now, it is easy to see how "natural" judgment and criticism was.

Its easy to look back and simply say, oh we were just school kids with our own insecurities and chalk it up to child hood behavior. But what happens when we grow up? Maybe we are not calling someone Crazy Mary, ( maybe we are?) but the judgment takes on new form. You're a stupid republican, you're an ignorant democrat...etc.

It can be hard to be on the receiving end of someone's rant, especially when I write a blog that touches a nerve, but I remind myself if I've triggered someones nerve by simply sharing who I am, well that's all about them.( i'll be honest sometimes it works, sometimes the rant might stick) I tell myself the same thing if I happen to read someone's blog or opinion and I hear any voices going off in my head or feel any emotions being triggered in my body.

[Lezlee]

After reaching my botton in April, I've spent the last 8 months slowing remembering and healing from all the shame, abuse and torture that was done to me and that I did to myself over the years. It's an amazing journey that includes Al-anon, therapy, daily spiritual meditations and reading both of Brene's books. I made a conscious choice to give up watching TV, reading the paper and magazines and listening to mainstream radio. Instead I choose to concentrate on caring about those closest to me and my community. I feel I can do more good on a local scene and am much more accountable for my words and actions. The comments sections of internet articles and blogs allow people to say things online that they might not say face to face. That anonymity seems to strip away peoples respect for one another and it becomes a contest to say the next most shocking thing.

[keishua]

This is so true. It is much easier to be nasty if you don't have to own it. I think that websites should moderate comments. By not moderating they are giving permission to hate. When it comes to hatefulness-silence is permission.

[MaryElizabeth]

Speaking of imperfection and shame, applying for and securing health insurance as an individual has been one of the most humiliating and deprecating experiences of my life. After being denied coverage because of my "humanity" once (and watching my son with a diagnosis of autism denied also) I dared to apply again. We were accepted. It is bittersweet and here is my perspective: http://modernsurvival.blogspot.com/2011/01/why-yes-as-matter-of-fact-i-do.html

[MeL]

i'd just viewed the utube video on connection. i'm glad a friend told me to check it out...it fell in my life today just at the perfect time!!
i've had struggles, i chose to fight with vulnerability, tried really hard ( from 5 to 25 years old ) to anihilate it.
i ended up at a crossroad, having to chose between pursuing me life the way i was living it and die outa my habits and try the way life had showed me tons of times.
it meant trying to appreciate being human, sensitive, tender.....vulnerable.
i chose to try the path i hadn't walked.
i know about grief, shame, hate, reject......i numbed everything. i found out that when i suffer i live it so intensively, i embrace it sooo much that even smiling feels like being stabbed in the heart.

well. i can write tons of stuff about it. i quit school for tons of reasons i had and being a self-awared person helped me to see and go farther than what i thought was real.

what pushes me to write to you is that today, after 8 years of walking into a growing heart, learning to embrace fears intead of fighting i'm faced with childhood way to act.
i'm a leader. being afraid i expressed it by tyrannising the friends with who i wanted to play games. being certain that they'll reject my play offers i was trying to force them into it.
so i got rejected. not always but in me tyran days my friends would just escape and come back the days i was relax and funny.
so i associated being a leader as a bad attitude and a good way to be rejected.

this morning my boyfriend asked me to say what i have to say when i have to. and i realised he unmasked me. before he told me i wasn't aware anymore of my trying to hide my leader temper. he talked to me about the strehght he sees in me and his incomprehension in front of my way to act as if i had no strenght at all.

i realised that i'm hiding that part of me because i had been inadequate and rejected as a kid, that today i'm having " legitimate" way to act based on somthing that is not accurate anymore.

i decided to change that. it's not the first change i'll do in my way of percieving and living my life.
he made me realised that even after having changed huge assets in my life i still believed i wasn't worthy.
i'm fucking grateful for the openness i have throughout my relations, grateful being resilient.
and i'm enraged realising i'm still , today, afraid of my being human, afraid of vulnerability's energy. it's a fucking huge power source able to transform everything.....afraid of ccaring, touching, being loved and touched.
hopefully it's not as bad, neither as tetanising than it had been years ago....but still....being unmasked trying again to be solid rock kinda insults me.
just because i'm shameful to still believe i'm not enough, to act like i don't believe.

i think i'm still alive because i believed life was greater than what i was seeing, that life is more than the fear bubble i built mine in.

i'm grateful to have viewed that "connection" video. i'm grateful u made that change in your life and that u share what u found.

as of tonight it ended my day peacefully!

thanks!

MeL

[Janae]

The Web is a doubled-edge sword. It helps one to disseminate information to broader audiences. Through that one may benefit by selling more books, finding newly minted celebrity, and financial security. It also opens one up to multiple reactions, responses, and behaviors from those audiences. It's bitter and sweet. In the history of the world there have always been critics and naysayers. They used to stay anonymous through whisper campaigns, rumor mills and poison pen letters. Nothing is really new under the sun. It's just the web unites them in a way that is unique.

[merriwather]

Brene,

I disagree with your assessment of the situation, I've published my argument here. Take a look and let me know what you think.

http://agreeingtodisagreeagain.blogspot.com/2011/01/in-response-to-brene-browns-post-on.html

I worry that calling people 'chickenshit' might be construed as name-calling and shaming. Censoring critical comments is the opposite of courageous.

[Zulma]

Yes!

[Janae]

Merriwather -

Read your argument. Completely agree with you. Excellent thinking, excellent writing.

I also agree with the "chickenshit" comment. "Chickenshit", "jackass", it's all shaming through name calling. Very yucky, frankly.

[Shae]

"Imperfection is not inadequacy - it's what connects us to each other and to our humanity. Vulnerability is not weakness - it's the birthplace of love, creativity, innovation, authenticity and joy."

Brene' ... your words meant SO much to me on a level I cannot explain. I am going to walk this quote from today forward.