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thoughts on penn state
First, let's get the language straight. The very last thing that these brave boys and men need is a nation referring to them as victims. They are heroes and survivors. Words matter.
Second, I'm not sure that any of us really know what happened and how it happened. But based on my research, I do know this:
When the culture of an organization mandates that it is more important to protect the reputation of a system and those in power than it is to protect the basic human dignity of individuals, you can be certain that shame is systemic, money drives ethics, and accountability is dead. This is true in corporations, nonprofits, universities, governments, churches, schools, families, and sports programs. If you think back on any major scandal fueled by cover-ups, you'll see this pattern.
In an organizational culture where respect and the dignity of individuals are held as the highest values, shame and blame don’t work as management styles. There is no leading by fear. Empathy is a valued asset, accountability is an expectation rather than an exception, and the primal human need for belonging is not used as leverage and social control.
We can’t control the behavior of individuals; however, we can cultivate organizational cultures where behaviors are not tolerated and people are held accountable for protecting what matters most: human beings.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Reader Comments (71)
I think I was adding it while you were commenting. I'm working on a new book right now for families, schools, and organizations - they all have cultures that have to be cultivated to align with our values.
Well said, THANK YOU for putting into words what is so basic and true!
The Penn State Scandal
I watched hour after hour of ESPN coverage of the information coming from State College, PA. After all, I was born and raised in Pennsylvania and my sister went to Penn State. However, there was a horror as the news became darker and darker. First there was the report that a Grand Jury had indicted a former assistant football coach on charges of molesting a or several young boys. Next was the information that the AD and his boss had been fired. First it was one reporter, then it was three and then it seemed like 10. Matt Millian a famous football player was crying on ESPN live. Next it comes out that a grad assistant had seen a rape taking place in the showers in the football building between this accused and a 10 year old boy involved in a charity run by Jerry Sandusky. He had reported it to Joe Paterno who had been head football coach for 44 years or something, and he had reported it to the AD, but the guy was allowed to keep his keys, presumably to the showers. The message was- don’t do your dirty work in our house, but you can still hang out here.
Somehow it all reminds me of the Tiger Woods story. Here was an icon representing love, family, highest ideals publically who was practicing something entirely opposite in his private life. The reaction of public opinion is as it always is, “Throw the bastards out!” However, what is it that I feel?
The price that we extract from our heroes is that they must be white as the driven snow while in reality each of us is merely human. When our human failings are found out, all the good work that we have done is ignored in light of our failings. Perhaps it is we who drive them to be the antithesis of our god-like qualities as it puts them so far out of balance as humans.
I hope that I can find some empathy for the people who ignored the children whose lives have been changed forever, who will live with conflicting ideas of love and safety and trust forever, who will end up hopefully in the rooms of AA and NA, as they try to erase the memories of abuse which will never go away. I will pray for peace in their lives.
thank you for helping me with my words.
peace.
The shift from victim to survivor is not about linguistics, it's about healing, transformation, and gaining control over a narrative that you, at one time, had no control over.
I was talking with a friend about this last night and she said, "If something like that had ever happened to me as a kid, I would have instantly assumed it was my fault." And that, folks, is the issue, isn't it? By keeping the dirty little secret, these kids were allowed to believe that it was them who had done something wrong instead of feeling empowered to stand up for themselves. Nobody was giving them the message that they were worthy of protection and honor. I hope they start getting it in spades now.
Beautiful post, Brene. Thank you.
Pete
I'm grateful for your comment and your perspective. Had you not left a comment, I wouldn't have thought through the issue.
I'm always so grateful for the respectful conversations that we can have with each other on this site.
Les
My deepest problem with all of this is that those who *witnessed* something - abuse, inappropriate behaviour, violation, however they saw it, something they *knew* was wrong enough to report to someone in a power-position - did not stop it in the moment it was happening.
The power relationships were (are?) so strongly in place that even when someone walked in the room, their presence did not stop what was happening. What does that say to the boys? It says that no one can stop this. That no one did stop this. That an adult - and to a ten-year-old, a 23-year-old grad student looks like an adult, even if he is still very young and a product of that very culture - can not, or will not, stop what was happening.
Yes, a systemic problem indeed. Thank you for all of your work, your research, your focus on the language we use. Words matter. I am not a victim. But at one time, I was. That is an important distinction. And in a culture that does not value children, they can be victims again. When they have no power, and no one willing to see and protect them, they can be victims.
I do believe words matter. I like your comment "I am not a victim, but at one time I was." That would indicate now you are a survivor. Stepping forward through the shame, I believe, makes one a hero. What we think of ourselves is the most important opinion of all. Thank you all for the food for thought.
It comes from the top down, always, and the Milgram experiment suggests that this is unlikely to stop. Very few individuals have the strength or necessary support to challenge such behaviour and who can blame them. The system is corrupted and damaged. We need more of the courageous ones in position of power to model kindness, empathy and ethical behaviour. Then maybe the system (ie: the human race) will finally evolve in a positive direction.
I have been a victim of sexual victimisation and domestic violence. I have no problems with the term. In healing from my experiences I have also come to see that I am also a survivor. Frankly I don't think the terms should be mutually exclusive when talking about sexual assault.
Thank you for your words. I'm a PhD student and I recently came across this quote from Victor Turner on value-systems within ritualistic societies: "The authority of the elders is absolute, because it represents the absolute, the axiomatic values of society in which are expressed the 'common good' and the common interest."
My undergraduate degree is Penn State and I spent 4 years on the main campus. While I in no way condone the horrific acts and subsequent cover-up (which seems to become bigger and bigger by the moment), it is worth considering how these actions--in a very perverse way--reflect the pevasive influence of aggressive, paternalistic culture in which everything depends upon victory. In such a culture, power--which sources from corporate and media influence--is conferred upon those who can ensure this victory--a victory which depends on the exploitation of weakness and vulnerability. In such a morally-ambivalent atmosphere, a subtle but pernicious bargain is cast where moral coherence is dependent not upon the individual's own sense of right and wrong, but is instead directed upon those trusted elders silently assume the role of ethical plumb-line entire social order.
In my view, students who rioted last week did so because the center of their moral universe (aka Joe Paterno), their very way making sense of the world and themselves, was ejected from the tribe. While the survivor/heroes and what they have endured must be kept foremost in our thoughts, it is also important to recognize that the public airing of these egregious violations represent a perhaps irreparable breakdown of a culture's fundamental paradigm of meaning is made and value is ascribed to individuals and actions.
In short, I don't think there will any getting over this one. As the scandal and its tentacles of moral compromise are revealed to be more deeply entrenched than we may have first assumed, it becomes clearer that this is a wound that will continue to bleed until the community develops a new way of addressing its shadow. Without this, more breakdowns will surely ensue.
Edward Abbey said something like that too: "A leader leads from in front, by the power of example. A ruler pushes from behind, by means of the club, the whip, the power of fear."
I'm also reminded of a bumper sticker made by Northern Sun: "Fearful people do stupid things". Even when a leader does motivate people to act from fear, there's no guarantee they'll be pushed in the direction he wants them to move.
As an Executive Director in the non-profit sector I am inspired by your words. I will continue to try to use my skills and energy to cultivate an organizational culture that holds the respect and dignity of individuals as paramount.
b
When a system is made up of folks who are more worried about their position in the system than in the supposed values of the system, then it may be time to get a new system! I think college athletics is about personal acheivement, but it's also about trust and integrity - sportsmanship if you will. the members of this system forgot about the trust and integrity part and closed ranks to protect "acheivment". Time to think about a new system- one that focuses on a whole student, not just points and yards and trophies.
Here's to those holding light in these dark situations.
Brene, your words help others find theirs. Thank you.
Also, I have yet to work with a sex abuse victim who I would call a hero until they have confronted their abuser and taken their power back. Sex abuse shatters a person’s boundaries at a complex level that renders them unable to trust their own emotional perceptions. That is not heroic – it is tragic.
The depth of grief work that lies at the level of recovering from being genuinely victimized is complex and not served by the kind of well-intended idealization you are offering by trying to minimize the real victimization these boys have experienced. They became prey to a sexual predator without a healthy conscience. That is a very complex experience. They are victims of a deep violation of their boundaries.
That being true, boundary recovery requires deep self-validation skills that bring a person’s lost self-hood back into focus, and that journey takes time.
No offense, but I have been doing abuse recovery work for 21 years, and yes, words matter. Being a survivor is something you create within yourself after you rebuild your world.
Being a hero means getting yourself back out into your world, your community, recovering from being abused and now able to be open-hearted, making a difference in the lives of all of those around you. And it really means that you no longer hurt those around you who love you, which all sex-abuse victims do until they really come into their recovery and do their grief work.
I know you mean well, but there’s more to what these sex abuse victims will go through and need in their recovery than to have someone cheerleading them by saying,”You are not a victim – you are a hero and a survivor.”
First, I appreciate the work you're doing in this very difficult area. Thank you for that.
Second, I disagree. Having spent years working in domestic violence and sexual assault, and the past decade interviewing hundreds of survivors of sexual abuse, I absolutely disagree with this: "I have yet to work with a sex abuse victim who I would call a hero until they have confronted their abuser..." You can choose to set up requirements for that language if you choose; however, there are many, many individuals who will never have that opportunity and/or make the mindful choice not to confront their perpetrator. Recovery is never about the perpetrator. His or her participation, cooperation, or involvement (even if it's simply a confrontation) is not necessary for healing and I think it's dangerous to set it up that way.
As far as, "victims are victims until they do their recovery work" - that is certainly one model and clearly your personal prerequisite. But I believe it's fair to say that it's only one of many effective models and there are countless professionals doing this work who don't subscribe to that theory.
Last, I welcome disagreement and debate. I always have and I always will. But please don't confuse what I write with "meaning well" and "sentimentality" and don't confuse my opinions with cheerleading - that's fundamentally disrespectful.
I did not do a service to your and my readers when I only said "I have yet to work with a sex abuse victim who I would call a hero until they have confronted their abuser."
What I should have added was, "It is not necessary to actually confront your abuser in person. There are role play techniques I use that allow the victim to achieve the healing release of confrontation without having to involve the perpetrator.And in many cases, it not at all advisable to do so." So I apologize to you and your readers for speaking in shorthand. And no, I am not setting it up that the perpetrator has to be involved in the victim's recovery. Not in the least.
That said, victimization is a complex emotional and neurological experience that requires a deep decompression and a real post-traumatic series of healing stages. When clients continue to act out the violation and the shock that remains trapped in their bodies, the moment of victimization still has a lot of control over their behavior and emotional perceptions. When a person has achieved significant freedom from triggered emotions in their recovery and can function well in relationships, they have become a survivor. And in my experience, that never happens until they have confronted their abuser in whatever way is appropriate and most useful for them, because only in that ritual do they begin to reclaim their conscious control of their boundaries.
So I again apologize for my lack of complete clarity in what I said, and through that you've come to an incorrect conclusion about my healing approach. I hope what I've explained clears that up.
You said, "As far as, "victims are victims until they do their recovery work" - that is certainly one model and clearly your personal prerequisite. But I believe it's fair to say that it's only one of many effective models and there are countless professionals doing this work who don't subscribe to that theory."
I would like you to explain for me and your readers about how victims stop being victims – with all of the emotional and neurological layers that are created through being abused – without doing their recovery work. What other professional models are you referring to? I honestly have yet to hear about a valid therapeutic approach that doesn't recognize the need for abuse victims to do their recovery work in order to stop feeling like victims.
I have certainly encountered many examples of what I call "bypass healing" techniques that attempt to avoid emotional confrontation or acknowledging the victim experience – for example, I have seen many examples of NLP that go in that direction over the years, and some recent Cognitive Behavioral Therapy strategies that minimize the victim experience – but I have worked with too many clients who tried that route and finally accepted that real recovery was their only hope.
As far as my critique of your entire approach in the first paragraph of your post – and my conclusion that you are essentially cheerleading abuse victims past feeling like victims without offering any substantial healing strategies in this post – I remain steadfast in my concerns about your strategy and ideas. I am sorry if that seems disrespectful to you, but your first paragraph seems fundamentally disrespectful to the complex reality of being an abuse victim.
I have worked with far too many abuse clients who have been told – often by well-meaning healers without enough experience – that they should not feel like victims, or that it is not okay to acknowledge the reality of being victimized in the abuse. Whether it was your intention or not – because you haven't actually defined in this blog post what your healing approach to sex abuse really is – your message could be easily taken to discourage real abuse victims from feeling like their emotions are legitimate.
The last thing, from my years of healing work with clients, that the victims in the Penn State situation need is someone telling them prematurely, before they have done their recovery work, that they are not victims but rather heroes and survivors. I simply, and absolutely, do not agree with what you said.
As I hope I made clear in my post, being a survivor and a hero is something you create through doing the hard recovery work that creates that real internal shift from victim to survivor. After thousands and thousands of hours in the deep grief stages with clients as they reach those goals, I disagree with you in honor of the people I have seen recover, because many of them had someone try to talk them out of and past their emotions through the very language shift you are presenting in this blog post, and in the long run it only made their recovery harder.
I need to also say that I am in total agreement with the rest of your blog post. Institutionalized shame is a profound force of dysfunction in our culture, and the desensitization that results from this allows very unhealthy things to happen.
Now that I have spoken my heart to you, I guess that what you are trying to say in that first paragraph is that the word "victim" carries shame with it, and that these kids have nothing to be ashamed of. Please correct me if I am wrong, because I do want to try to understand you reasons for writing this post. When I said that you mean well, I meant it – it is clear you have a good heart, a strong sense of integrity and purpose, and that you are deeply devoted to what you do.
Thank you also for doing what you do. The entire community of people who are healing needs support from any directions and dimensions.
You would be getting a standing ovation....