finding magic in the mess

The holidays are a perfectionism minefield. My expectations always need radical reality-checking this time of year and that normally comes in the form of a total meltdown. The good news is that I often have a lot more fun on the backside of my breakdown when I start letting go and leaning into the crazy. 

As I think about my own life and reflect upon what many of the people around me are going through this Christmas, it's clear that struggle doesn't take off for the holidays. The gremlins don't go on vacation. Checks bounce, chemotherapy appointments are scheduled, relationships keep unravelling, being alone feels even lonelier, and the "never enoughs" are in full swing. 

As I prepare to spend the next week with my big, wonderful, crazy family, I've decided to find my holiday magic in the mess; to practice love and gratitude with the special group of folks who keep showing up and loving me, not despite my vulnerabilities, but because of them. 

Wishing you a blessed mess and a Wholehearted 2012!

Comments

[Monica]

Thank you Brene! I'm taking your message to heart!

[karen]

Wishing you a joyful, safe, and peaceful holiday season Brené! May 2012 be the best year yet! :) Thank you for being you.

[monica]

oh, how my heart needed to hear this today. thank you, brene! once again, you spoke to my core.

[barbara]

Thanks for this beautiful post. Merry Christmas Brene!

[Christine]

I also have a large crazy family but we are spread around the country this Xmas. Thank you for all the ways your words calmed me and steered me when I was most afraid this year. I have 2 of your books on my iPad. I was in Italy and in a situation that made every single vulnerability scream it's name and beg to be noticed. I would go to my hotel room and read your book for a bit every night before sleep. It helped me see my own courage and strengths and lean into the joyful but difficult moments I would have otherwise missed. I ended the trip proud of myself, thank you for the part you played in that. Happy holiday !

[Sea]

As you said, life gets more so this time of year. But with practice we also seem more able to see the beauty. Thank you for the beautiful gifts you've offered us all year. Wishing you a wonderful Christmas and an awesome new year!

[Natalie V2]

Aha! I think we are in sync... I am ready for Christmas, for all of it, in spite of the messes and shortcomings! Merry Christmas, happy holidays, light and joy to all~

[Lola Mellowsky]

Thank you so much for this reminder. I have reached the calm point---just can't do stress this year---but I forgot about the gratitude. Now I will reach for that. Merry Christmas, Brene. Your work has gotten me through a very tough year so I will start with stating my gratitude for you.

[kris]

My most immediate thought upon reading almost everything you share is: I love this woman so much! Merry Christmas to you, Brene!

[rebecca]

what a great reminder; thanks and enjoy your holidays!
p.s. I'm planning on starting to lead the connections curriculum sometime this winter at my agency (community mental health in pittsburgh). Great stuff!

[Debi]

Just what I needed this morning. This is the first year in almost 40 that I let go of my insane expectations for the holiday. It was not possible to put up the 7-foot tree with the 1500 lights, 40-years collection of ornaments and four dozen crystal icicles. I learned that I miss the tree and will schedule it in for next year, but for now not having it (or the other "have-to" stuff that we don't have this year) feels right. You have enriched my life this year more than I can express, Brene. I hope your holiday is joyful, if not peaceful. To 2012 being the best ever!

[Helen]

Brene, you are one of the best "things" that has happened to me this year! I've taken your "lean into vulnerability" phrase to heart - mostly because I didn't understand it! I've been working at disentangling Christmas for many many years now and your writing and presence on the blog has helped me to not be so ferocious to myself but to lean and wait. Thank you so much. Have a great Christmas celebration and a wonderful 2012.

[Shelley]

Be sure to read Archbishop Rowan Williams message about a messy Christmas. It is encouraging too. Merry, and messy, Christmas to all.

[Jan]

I will not care what my hair looks like on Christmas morning. I will not care what my hair looks like on Christmas morning. I will not care what my hair looks like on Christmas morning.

[playcrane]

Merry Christmas Brene!

[Donna]

Blessings and Peace to you Brene' and your family! your blog has spread to my friends and neighbors these past couple of years since I have linked to this special place called "Ordinary Courage' off my own blog.

I would personally like to thank you from everyone who I know personally who have benefited from your posts, your DVD's and books, etc.

You are a special spirit!

Donna Kirk

[Jeanette]

Merry Christmas Brene, I needed to hear that our family loves us not becaue of our vulnerabilities but in spite of them.

[Kate]

My bookplates and bookmarks were in today's mail, a wonderful holiday surprise. Thank you for offering this personal touch to your readers. A friend of mine (a friend for whom I was more-used-to "being there for" than needing to ask for help) gave me "Gifts of Imperfection" just under a year ago, at a time when I needed it the most-- a weird kind of "optimal" timing. I've since passed that very copy on to another friend, and bought two more for others.

Best wishes for a pleasant, "just right" holiday, and a new year full of joy.

Kate
Hartford, CT

[Liz Wiltzen]

Awesome Christmas message Brene, thanks so much for sharing.

[Amy]

I sooo needed that reminder in this moment! Thank you!

[Adrian]

After reading this post the first thing that clicked was the comment about chemotherapy appointments. Am I late to the game here Dr.Brown? Are you currently fighting cancer? If this is the case, all my prayers and wishes are for your full and speedy recovery. My best wishes for a beautiful xmas and a prosperous new year for you and your family. My sincere thanks for the work you have done. It has answered so menu questions and provided me with a new understanding of myself.

[Lori Schneider]

Brene, once again you spoke of what was on my heart. Thank you so much for sharing your 'ordinary courage' with all of us. Merry merry Christmas to you and your famiy. P.S. Thanks so much for the autographed book plates and book marks...what a fun surprise to find them in the mailbox today!
Lori

[Mary Buchanan]

I, too, have let go of a lot of the Christmas-mania. I remembered early that nothing is perfect- that things don't always get done- and that it's ok to shake up tradition- even after 38 years. Thank you , Brene- for all the reminders. You don't know how many times people get through a rough spot by remembering what you said! Merry Christmas.

[Rick]

Dear Brene,
Merry Christmess and Happy You Year! Your book and this blog have been a source of inspiration and motivation during a very difficult year. I am looking forward to 2012 and striving to embrace my vulnerabilities with my whole heart while unpacking my freak flag. I hope to move from the "survivor" to a wholehearted person that is willing to let go of who I think I’m supposed to be and embrace who I truly am. Thank you and best wishes for a great 2012!

[Diane]

It's Christmas morning and we are waiting for the troups to arrive. It is a moment of peace and I am thankful.

Brene, you have been a very big part of my 2011 unfolding.....and I could not be more blessed and thankful. So here's to breakdowns and break throughs.

Merry Christmas,

Diane

[Neri]

Love this. I miss these. U speak things that are real & u speak a language of hope

[Linda G]

Perfectionism and wanting everyone to be happy ALL the time through the Holiday and having dinner be just right often get in the way of actually enjoying the time together. This year, I had just completed an extraordinarily stressful week at work to discover that Christmas Eve morning my oven wasn't working properly. I trucked uncooked cookies over to a friend's house, all the time trying not to have a meltdown about the now -sure - to -be -ruined Christmas dinner! I kept telling myself that Christmas would be short and I needed to relax and enjoy my two teenage children and husband and not sweat what I could not control. Half an hour with my friend making cookies and playing for the Christmas services that went fine, the smiles of my kids on Christmas and the continual reminders that its spending time together and enjoying it were what really matters enabled me to relax (well as close as I get) and really enjoy the special moments on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. Being reminded that perfect isn't what we're asked for, caring and being there in the moment is - is a gift. Thank you and wishing all who read this a very joyous and imperfect Holiday season.

[sandie]

Happy Christmas Brene. As always, words said from the heart and with truth. This year I gave up on putting up decorations and cards, making handmade gifts and baking. I accepted that I can only do what I can do just allowed myself to relax into it. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and thank you for echoing and acknowledging that Christmas is about caring and being cared for, and not about being perfect.

[Jon]

Love the site and your very important message!!!

Merry Christmas!

[Lisa Anderson]

I hope your holidays were filled with wonderful joy and laughter and many moments where you were able to control you "over functioning" tendencies! I need to practice trying to not over function so much some of the times! ;o)

[Pakistani]

Well I read your book "The Gifts of Imperfection" and I must say it is brilliant. I love reading psychology books and have always wondered like many on the differences of experiences and emotional reactions in western societies as opposed to east. But after reading the book I have come to the conclusion that almost all fundamental human behavior transcends international boundaries that we humans have defined for ourselves.

On a far more personal note, the book has not helped me in a tough time like many but rather allowed me to put myself in tough spots "leaning into vulnerability" (with great self awareness and no fear for vulnerability) to comprehend exactly how liberating and at the same time strengthening the feeling is. The adage "Honesty is best Policy" I think goes much deeper than being an epitome of moral code. It hopes to underline the reinforcement of the inner strength of the person's character but since it is almost never mentioned in that context, we are not aware of it.

Reading your book with Dweck's "Mindset" completed the picture beautifully. I hope you do make it a point in your next edition or elsewhere to ask people to read the two books together if possible. Reading about how our mindset of "fixed abilities" and "impeccable character" specially in the eyes of others does not leave room for any healthy experience of vulnerability and shame, was quite fulfilling.

Your book is amazing. I must have underlined over a hundred lines in your book because all of them are so damn amazing and original!!! I had to get that off my chest :P

Last but not definitely not least, I would like to emphasize on how nicely you've incorporated spirituality as an essential element of wholehearted living. West's obsession with atheism (despite no proof) and snobbish contempt for religion is sickening. Belief in God is considered archaic and not scientific. What a refreshing change it was to see someone bringing up the psychological impact of belief on happiness! Because all this time, I kept thinking how woefully ignorant of many to feel repulsive of spirituality when they have not even experienced an iota of its veiled power.

Thank you very much and wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

P.S. I loved your daughter's robot dance incident! Hate being lost in the mediocrity of coolness :P

Please write back if possible its my first post in your blogs and would love some kind of indication you read it! Thanks!

[Elsa]

Thank you Brene for sharing your brilliant work and for leading us out of the sinking ship of perfectionism. I'm learning to embrace the imperfect me and am feeling such gratitude!

Thank you as well for the beautiful book plates, and for the bookmarks which serve as loving reminders to myself.

To all I wish a "messy" and happy new year filled with good health, wholeheartedness, and the strength to handle our struggles!

[Deborah]

A 'messy' Christmas = a gentle Christmas.
I'm embracing the mess, and it's so much better than the rigidly over-planned 'grit my teeth' version. Glory be!

[Suzanne]

There as been little about this holiday season that has made me smile but the idea of a blessed mess put a BIG smile on my face. Thank you for this simple gift.

[Daisy ford]

I love the way you write your blog as this is something art in you to write such a useful article with such a amazing representation..thanks for sharing such a huge experience with us.
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[Kathy in Quebec]

A week of family togetherness sent me straight back to your books, Brene! But this year I really tried to apply what you teach and think about my own resilience, and tried to model it for my kids.
Love your work, and can't thank you enough.

[Jennifer]

What a beautiful thing to embrace during the rush and struggle that the holidays tend to bring up. Wishing you a wonderful new year filled with imperfection and love.

Your words are such an inspiration to me.

[Dave Smith]

Could it be that the "leaning in" or "letting go" in a meaningful, life changing way are not volitional but rather a part of the process?

[Nancy's Point]

I've never been a perfectionist thankfully. I always think back to something my grandfather said, "I'd much rather see a messy, lived-in looking home with lots of people in it and stuff strewn about, than an empty one that is perfectly in order." Words to live by, especially around the holidays! Happy New Year!

[Aditie]

A thought just popped in are friendly people perfectionists like me. We who have the time / need and desire to meet and mingle with everyone. As opposed to people who have clear boundaries but are only friendly to a select few. Are they more intact inside . This isn't a better worse race is it. Then why do I feel resentful for being there and willing to chit chat with all who cross my path and when that openness is met with a coolness what should my response be?
Like my young neice who is visiting and never has a word to share except where's the cocoa!

[Barbara]

Hello from Friendswood! I've been reading The Gifts of Imperfection and have blogged about vulnerability today at the Corner on Character . . . I'm learning SO much from your words and experiences . . . . thank you for your powerful insight.

[Cindy]

You told us at BlogHer that there is no such thing as perfection. It's become my mantra. The less I try to be perfect, the happier I seem to be.

[Cheap Flyers]

Happy New Year and I'm wishing you all the best for 2012!

- Bruce

[marianna]

I just finished reading your book "the gifts of imperfection". I went through a breakdown..scratch that..spiritual awakening period as well. I relate to your experiences and your struggles. I'm happy that you gave them a voice and shared them with us. Your book helped me gain more insight into my experience. Thank you! keep doing what you are doing.