the wo/man in the arena

Ellen + friends

I have a post-it note above my desk with this reminder on it:

"At the end of the day and at the end of my life, I want to know that I contributed more than I criticized."

It's a touchstone for me when I'm feeling vulnerable about sharing my work in a world where it's easy to attack and ridicule. It's also helpful when I find myself using perfection, sarcasm, and criticism to protect myself or to discharge my own discomfort.

I also turn to this quote from Theodore Roosevelt's speech Citizenship In A Republic, delivered at the Sorbonne (1910): 

The Man in the Arena

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly;

who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;

but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

I'm constantly reminding myself that I can't wait until I'm perfect or bulletproof to walk into the arena because that's never going to happen. We just have show up and let ourselves be seen - that's my definition of "daring greatly."  

Comments

[Don]

I suggest you leave the typo ("perfect of bulletproof") as an example of just what you are talking about. It's wabi-sabi to my eye.

Also, in the technology world I think there's a lot of resonance with this approach in the agile and lean startup movements.

Keep up the work. We're rooting for you.

Best,
Don

[Jennifer King]

Thank you, Brene, for writing about Teddy's great quote. It's one of my favorites, one that hangs beside my writing chair. Also, thanks for sharing your own computer-side quote. Words are so powerful, and so deeply inspire. Thank you.

[Brené Brown]

I was changing it while you were leaving your comment!

I think you make a great point about startup movements. One thing that I learned from interviewing entrepreneurs is this: When failure is not an option, neither is innovation.

It sounds scary, but I think it's true!

[Randi Shuster]

Love this post! Just what I needed to hear today! Thanks.

[Dodi]

This is a powerful reminder; I think I will post Roosevelt's words by my workspace as well. I remember a college professor of mine attributing to E.B. White a quote (I just tried to find it online without success, so maybe my old-lady brain remembers incorrectly.) that went something like; "You must be unafraid to fill up the room with your ignorance." My professor said that White said this to his own college students when there was a lack of class participation--as my professor quoted to a timid class, also. It worked for me in college and has served me well for many years--whatever the quote/whoever said it. It's that same idea of fearlessly exposing your (possible) ignorance.

[Mickie]

I really loved this Brene, and now I have printed this entire posting out, and it is proudly on my wall, right next to the computer. Thank you!

[Mallory Meyer]

I needed those words today (and everyday) but especially today in my job-hunting, vulnerable state! Thank you for always sharing you. XOXO

[Katrina Kennedy]

These are the words I needed to read today. They resonate to my very core. Thank you for sharing them and sharing so much of yourself.

[Jan Myhre]

I've been practicing the Sufi Rules for about 10 years, but never have been so emboldened by those rules until I ordered "The Gifts of Imperfection." (Sufi Rules: 1) show up, 2) pay attention, 3) tell your truth as you know it, 4) refrain from being invested in the outcome.) Not until I saw there is blessing in vulnerability have I been increasingly comfortable "sticking my neck out." I have post-its all over to remind me to think and speak in more positive ways. My inner critic has a name (Harvey) and sometimes I simply ask him to pipe down and he does. It's a good thing.

[Anna]

I've also just printed this out and it's on the pin board at my desk. I'm a PhD student and have actively avoided showing my supervisors anything I've written since MAY because I wanted it to be perfect before they even saw it. Several people have suggested I talk to them recently about specific methodology issues and I've literally said 'Oh but I have so much work to do before I can even have that conversation'. I was desperate to know all the answers before daring to ask the questions.

This has given me just the boost I needed this morning - I've reminded myself that I don't need to know everything and the whole point of having supervisors is that it is not expected to BE perfect before they even see it! Grateful every day for your work Brene!

[Cristi mercedes]

This is the continual struggle, isn't it? To have the courage to leave the comfortable to risk achieving that which resonates so deeply inside us that we cannot wait to get out of bed. I know that sentence sounds a bit lofty.. It's just that I'm coming to see that doing the great works we know live inside of us means really putting our assumptions about our life and the world all on the table and really only picking up the ones that make sense and if none of them make sense anymore then we gotta go find new ones and therein lies for me anyway, the fear factor. Can I really do the things I know it's time for me to do? Can I really let go of my and other's view of who I am and strike out of the mold? Even in " these times" a phrase I'm so tired of hearing. Recently I have realized the only option is to say yes! If not, I will be one of the lost souls left on the couch rather than one of the spent souls from the arena. Thanks for the quotes to remind me of the efforts needed to move forward.

[hariette petersen (a.k.a. selahV)]

I don't believe in coincidence. Therefore, when I got bored tonite and decided to peek in on Ree's blog and found her links, then found you and began reading your post, I found myself falling in love with your transparency and wham, bam! had to buy two of your books....just to get a bit more....to hold in my hands...to chew upon and digest and then, perhaps send on to some of the imperfect people in my life whom I find far superior to me yet they see me superior to them. In the final analysis of things, it's we who are simply part of a superior world and all share our own inferiority if we just admit it. It takes courage to be afraid and still stand in the face of our fears. Takes more to walk on and put our thoughts out there in the world and let folks take potshots at our heart and soul...yet remain steady as we stroll on. Thanks for posting this today. I look forward to reading your books.

[Michelle Sevigny]

Perfect timing! You are an inspiration to many... me included. thank you for all you do.

[Sharon]

Re: failure option and innovation connection, yes! Fear kind of tends to freeze the brain - and creativity for sure goes right out the window. I've seen this over and over again on teams...

Have been thinking a lot lately of safety - started with the 9/11 anniversary and went in interesting directions from there: safety in relationships, safety in speaking your mind to another person, what does it mean to feel "safe" with someone, and so on. Still turning this around in my mind - will try to write something about it. Regardless of the quality of the output, I love the process of writing and what it does to my thinking.

Another excellent post and thoughts - thanks!!

[Sue]

Thanks. I needed to read this today. You humility in sharing is greatly appreciated and always seems to get to the heart of the matter. Thanks again.

[mosey (kim)]

Somehow you post stuff that hits me at my core right when I most need it.

[Alison]

Yes. I just got presented with my dream job and I am terrified. I am neither perfect nor bullet proof, but I am going to walk into the arena. Thank you for this post.

[katieh]

I really needed to hear that right now.

thank you. I appreciate it. it makes me want to keep working to be better than i have been.

[Christine G.]

Needed this today - thank you.

[melissa]

"show up and let ourselves be seen"...a mantra that has repeatedly been inviting itself into my consciousness and daily life. and when wounded after being wholeheartedly vulnerable, find something else other than severe self-judgment and hiding (perhaps self-compassion and ocean gazing). thank you, brené.

[Eric Mosley]

Your comment "when I find myself using perfection, sarcasm, and criticism to protect myself or to discharge my own discomfort" resonates deeply with me. I believe those defenses are, just as you say, ways of avoiding vulnerability and attempting to feel safe. It's just such a shame that sarcasm and criticism are so damaging to the kind of connections and relationships I long for, when I'm so good at them.

[teryll]

That quote is so beautiful and totally applicable to me!!!!

[Kathy in Quebec]

Boy, did I need this today! It resonated with me as I corrected grade 6 math work and wondered how to keep striving for the brass ring when there is so much to be done. It reminds me that teachers fight the good fight, roll up our sleeves and try - and that in the trying there is great courage and great dignity.

[Carly]

Thanks Brene. Just perfect on a day when I made a real goose of myself at work in pursuit of something important... a real benison.

[Fin]

"At the end of the day and at the end of my life, I want to know that I contributed more than I criticized."

I want to thank you for this today Brene and for the posted picture above it! I don't have kids to remind me of this lesson, but I do have 18.5 neices and nephews. I took my 4 year old nephew to see the new 3D Smurf movie and during the movie he put an m&m up his nose and asked me to get it out! Instead of asking him why he did that I paused then gave him the bottom of my tshirt to blow his nose! I guess that's what Aunts are for!

[Deborah]

HI Brene'....thanks so much for your all your efforts to 'real-ize' our collective struggle with perfection and cracking the shell of 'addictive-numbing' behavior (with the many faces it takes)....not everyone is laying in the gutter, but needs guidance to understand borderline situations that don't fit the standard mold of serious addictions...but are still debilitating.. Just read your book on Imperfection and I loved the way you made yourself so accessible. I have never reached out to a so-called famous person that i did not know... i.e....the OPRAH or whatever...but i was very moved by your book, even though I read and study quite a lot, in an effort to unravel my experiences in a productive way... Having been basically alone through some seriously unique challenging life experiences I have emerged OK but rather exhausted and slightly damaged....it may take the rest of my life to reconcile all that has occurred but you helped me so much more than the requisite counseling and so forth...which didn't completely sync with me either. I was always told I was so healthy! ....and frankly I felt some of the counselors needed to take a course of self examination! Sometimes by comparison I WAS very healthy...but it did not address MY struggles to live a fully embraced life...I was not perfect, even though I was patted on the head like a good dog, such a star (gag) client...it was hard to access the help i needed from these folks. Yes, many people would be crazy after all that occurred in my life! but the lack of craziness on my part was not, to me a badge of 'success'. Thanks to your book...after SO many others, l felt at home. Although I've had and learned some good coping skills , read tons of books and been nauseatingly congratulated on my survival ...it was still hard to let myself off the hook for not fixing, saving, salvaging.... EVERYThing that was lost....after all....wasn't I the smart one? the resourceful one? the well grounded one? The MOTHER! Sometimes others bestow a mantle on you that is not who you CAN or want to be....(to increase their own comfort level.)....no one can save the whole world or needs to be charged with it! the unfortunate truth is... knowing this in the HEAD does not always translate to the heart. Thank you for opening the door to my heart a little wider, and letting the light in :) It's a little brighter in here now....one of the things I say to myself when i get paralyzed by my 'failures' or lack of perfection is "Completion is better than perfection"...I am one of those that has hesitated and waits until things 'are', or perhaps I feel I could appear more perfect ( they never are...HELLO) to move forward..(thanks MOM..news flash..appearances are not everything..haha).. it is perhaps my greatest struggle..You have helped me break further out of that 'heart-set".. I have wished i could have provided my children with more childhood 'perfection'...though perhaps they never required it.
Ironically I am very good at encouraging and supporting others to break free of it!!! Oh , i want that for OTHERS! I so appreciate the way your courage to self-reveal has gotten inside MY heart! Thank you sincerely....and as a tribute i am resisting the urge to proof read... edit or be critical of myself for possibly getting 'off thread'...and just going for the possibly-imperfect communication value :) THANK YOU....some great comments and insights here! awesome....and I love the art work too. :) BIngo!

[sperlygirl]

such perfect timing...and such a powerful read, grazie brene

[Kim Barty]

Brene, thanks for your inspiration, which I used as a seed for my blog last week. We're in the change business and to learn and grow takes daring, so I loved your challenge as it again invited me on my own journey to 'dare greatly'. See my blog - http://blog.mycube4change.com/where-are-you-daring-greatly

[Renee]

I found it very ironic when I saw you posted this quote from Teddy Roosevelt on Thursday because my sister had just sent me it in an email the day before. She had made a mistake at work (ordered too many supplies) and her coworks were being rude about it. I did not have a good day at school that day (I am 27 going back to get my bachelors and wondering why I have decided to surround myself with 18 and 20 years olds again) and we were trying to cheer each other up as we fight our daily battles. Her quote had some extras in there..........It is not the critic who counts (Myron or Elsa), not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better (like not ordering so many supplies). The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena (Me or you going to school ...you're doing something not being dormant); whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood (or text book dust or keyboard blisters); who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again (we ALL do this especially in youth- how else do you really learn?); who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy course (funny thing - each person can decide to have passion. It's not a learned skill but it's what will get you what you want at the end of the day); who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly (the reward of at least trying); so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat (my coworkers).

I am so glad I have a sister and positive people in my life who can bring to light truths when it seems like life sucks.Thank you for sharing.

[Bonnie]

This is sound advice and something that seems especially important to you in an academic setting. I recall you once shamed a student for not knowing how to eat edamame...because this resonated with a previous experience you had with yourself not knowing enough about the "all-important" soybean. This has stayed with me as especially sad that you, as an academic, would let something so trite get between you and the "authentic" opportunity to connect with a young person. I think it is easy to proclaim awareness and change but much more difficult to practice it first person, "just in time." There is something profound yet sad in your work. What is it that you are trying to work on for yourself?

[Matthew Albanese]

Martial arts instructors and coaches love this quote, and as a martial artist, I've heard it on numerous occasions. While I appreciate the message and spirit in which it is intended, this quote tends to remind me of all the times I was afraid to try (choosing not to compete, for example), which is probably where I hold most of my shame. What's tough about this message is that there isn't just one time in our lives where we can choose to be the man/woman in the arena and then sit back and say, "See, I tried. I'm not one of those so-called timid souls." Also, the arena itself isn't so clearly defined and some of us are so skilled at self-deception and self-deprecation that we either choose challenges that are too easy so that we can relish in small triumphs, or refrain from truly taking joy in our achievements because they still weren't good enough.

[Emily a la Blog]

I'm reading your past entries since I just discovered your blog, and am delighted to know you (and all your wonderful insights and resources) exist. :)

This post resonates with me today, in the post-holiday let down, the stalled remodel, the flailing relationship, the grief, the overwhelmingness of it all. Bless you.