lessons from TED

By Michael Brands

What a week! There are so many unexpected life lessons emerging from my first TED experience that I thought I'd share them with you this week. 

But first . . . I always feel disconnected when people jump into enthusiastic conversations assuming that I know what they're talking about. I've only known about TED for a couple of years so if you don't know about it, let me introduce you: 

TED is a nonprofit devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading. It started out (in 1984) as a conference bringing together people from three worlds: Technology, Entertainment, Design. It's now curated/organized by Chris Anderson and its scope has become ever broader. There are now two annual conferences - TED Conference in Long Beach (with TEDActive - people watching live from Palm Springs) and the TEDGlobal conference in Edinburgh.

TEDTalks began as a simple attempt to share what happens at TED with the world. Under the moniker ideas worth spreading, talks were released online. They rapidly attracted a global audience in the millions.  

The TEDx program gives communities, organizations and individuals the opportunity to stimulate dialogue through TED-like experiences at the local level. TEDx events are planned and coordinated independently.

My first talk on vulnerability was filmed at TEDxHouston and I just returned from speaking in Long Beach. The picture is from Palm Springs. They're watching the Long Beach event in real-time.

Lessons from TED 

The first lesson I learned is about vulnerability (no suprise). The folks in the picture are raising their hands in response to two questions that I asked during my talk:

1. How many of you struggle to be vulnerable because you think of vulnerability as weakness?  Hands shot up across the room!

2. When you watched people on this stage being vulnerable, how many of you thought it was courageous? Hands shot up across the room! 

I'll be totally honest with you about my experience last week . . . I was absolutely terrified. I was in my PJs by 5pm some nights and I think I cried a little bit everyday.

I was the last speaker of the week and the thought of being vulnerable is what scared me the most. I loved seeing that raw truth and openness in the other speakers, but I wanted to impress this audience. I didn't want them to see my kitchen-table self - they were too important, too successful, too famous.

I want to experience your vulnerability but I don't want to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me.

I'm drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine.

As I walked on the stage, I focused my thoughts on Steve, who was sitting in the audience, my sisters back in Texas, and some of the other folks who were mostly in the TEDActive audience. I took a deep breath and recited my vulnerability mantra: Show up and let yourself be seen.

I honestly don't remember much of what I said, but I know that I'm knee-deep in the vulnerability hangover AGAIN! It took me weeks to recover from the "What did I just do?" after TEDxHouston.

In the song Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen writes, "Love is not a victory march, its'a cold and broken hallelujah." 

Love is a form of vulnerability and if you replace the word love with vulnerability in that line, it's just as true. If we always expect to feel victorious after being vulnerable, we will be dissapointed. In our culture, wholeheartedness is often a quiet sense of freedom mixed with a little battle fatigue. 

Comments

[Gerri]

Bless you Brené. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that here, with us. It reminds me of something you and Jen said in a course I took with you. "I am not alone."
Peace and rest to you. :)
~Gerri

[Elizabeth]

Thank you for sharing this and for offering your own post-TED reflections.....I hope you won't mind if I recite your mantra in my own head the next time I'm in a big meeting. You're an inspiration!

[Amy Turon]

Brene, I just love everything you have done. I have watched your Houston TED Talk at least a dozen times, and took copious notes. Do you know when your recent TED Talk will be available to view? Can't wait.

[K]

So. very. proud. of. you.

[liz song]

brene, i sat in the room with the tedactive community and felt a knot form in my throat. you've been a hero of mine since i first heard of you, and watching you up there....i felt both so proud and grateful to have you speak this certain truth that we all need to hear. thank you for showing us how to be courageous by being so courageous yourself. xo.

[Debra Tunney]

So interesting to me to see how your life so powerfully reflects this message you bring.

Maybe it will always be this way, and that we always feel this way in response to living with our hearts and thoughts on our sleeve. Children seem to live in truth and realness and openhearted sharing of their thoughts, and emotions and lives. Maybe that is why Jesus said Matthew 18 we must become like little children.

I am often inspired by you these days, and often thoughtful about the truth you share.

[Rob]

I first saw your Houston speech last fall. On Christmas Day, I was traumatically broken, as mu URL would explain. I watched it again recently, and am still unfolding from it.

May your own unfolding be gentle.

[teryll]

One of the reasons I continue to keep coming back to your blog is because of posts like these....I adore the fact that you expose your own vulnerability - that you do not detach from it. We are on the same playing field and I simply love that about you!

[Laura]

Thank you for your ordinary courage. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable. There are so many others walking with you in this (because you inspired them to). I am telling my story with my whole heart because of you. Rock on, Brené!

[Diane]

I thought of you often as the date in Long Beach neared. Thank you so much for the post and giving me a push to continue this work and my clumsy dance with vulnerability. I adore you and admire that you share both your weaknesses and strengths.

PS....I do some of my best research and studying for groups in my pjs....The Cat's Pajamas rock!

[Gary Ares]

After an incredible speech, with a standing ovation given to the woman on stage, a young adult approached her and said "I so admire your courage, I'd have a terrible case of the butterfiles... terrible. How do you do it?"

The woman, who's hands were still slightly shaking, and clammy, leaned over and whispered "Hey, I used to be in terrible shape, really bad, until I was taught 2 important lessons. First one is to remember everyone in the crowd really wants you to do well, because 90% of them would be terrified as well. I'm still working on the second tip, and pretty close to getting all those butterfiles to fly in formation".

[Joanna Rusher]

Fabulous Brene.. I look forward to seeing the talk on TED. And what lovely comments..

[Marie-Josée]

Martha Beck says : Play and Rest. I think you played it like your really really really were showing up. Now for sure Resting is a must, appropriate and reward. Rest softly for you and for all the people you granted your knowledge. Thank you for showing up, it makes a big difference. It allows us to be more courageous and beam bright as we get up and on with our great lives. I just know you since a few months and your sharing are keys to unravel many mistaken way of thinking. Soft and Easy.

[LisaAR]

Thanks for all you do, and thanks for taking the time to explain what TED is. Though I knew I loved any time I saw a TED talk, it helps to know why they exist!

Can't wait to check out your talk. Something I definitely need to hear.

[karen]

i cannot wait to watch your talk. I have no doubt it will be profound. I've already heard from a few TED attendees that yours was their favorite talk of the event!

[Sweigh Emily Spilkin]

Thank you for this post. And for being real. Again and again and again. So often we feel like we have to be "polished," and inspiring (which I am sure you were :), but what I'm hungry for is more and more authenticity. I want to know how to be me and be big. How to let my soul gifts overflow, without leaving any of the parts of me behind. I like knowing that you were terrified before your talk. So often we think we have to not be scared. It's rare that someone teaches us that fear (and the shame backlash that comes with exposing ourselves) are actually ok. This is what I teach my clients, but like you, I'm humbled by my own responses in the face of challenge. Vulnerability is not something we "get" once and then have it under our belt, it is a practice. Thank you for be brave enough to allow yours to be seen... (on another note, I'm about to do a Grounded Theory dissertation and am inspired by your research! thanks for that :)

[Martha]

I wonder what the "vulnerability hangover" is about? and "battle fatigue"? It's interesting, this aftermath. My brain flips to the difficulty of "owning one's contribution" - how to do that with vulnerability and grace? take care of your good self!

[Julie]

Thank you for this post. I am new to all this as I just discovered your other TED talk last week. It resonated with me quite deeply. It was an aha! eye opening experience for me. I felt empowered... I walked around for the next 2 or 3 days feeling great. I got a wonderful response from people too. But then I had a big vulnerable moment... which I handled well in the moment...but things got kinda messy after. I overcompensated for previously appearing "weak" by puffing up & acting out. Ive been trying to recover....really just thinking I've failed. That this new outlook just won't stick. Now, after hearing your recent experience, I know its okay and that it doesn't mean I have to stop here. It'll be a struggle....maybe even a year long street fight ;)... but that's okay. I can't expect it to happen overnight... I just have to keep practicing. So thanks again for being courageous and sharing your stories... you are inspiring :)

[Burt]

Brene, I had a similar, but different, experience on Saturday night. I was at a friends' gathering, and she declared to a person I hadn't met that my story was "great" and that it'd be wonderful for me to tell my story right then and there. Well, that's what it seemed like, a strong invokation for me to tell my story.

Funny, I've told it plenty of times, and I knew these people were safe, yet I felt stage fright all the same. I just started off, though, and even though the words felt tired, I just had faith that things would turn out whatever way they needed to. My thoughts of (still) being boring, uninteresting, not special _enough_, etc... I just kept going.

It turned out to be pretty much just a crowd of three listening to me in the end. Big enough, I suppose, but more importantly, I did my part. The positive feedback was, of course, gravy.

The thing that I felt compelled to comment on, though, was your hangover. I wonder if you can relate to your hangover getting lighter, lasting less time than before. I hold the belief that for people like us, our ability to be vulnerable is like a muscle, and when we exercise it, it gets healthier, more supple, stronger, more resilient. Can you relate to that?

Way to go at TED, sister. Thank you for doing your part!

[Joyce Harback]

I'll share with you what my best friend said to me when I was totally vulnerable with her. She wrote me an email early the next morning:

"If you've just woken up in a cold sweat, ice in your veins, asking 'What in the world have I done?', I just want you to know that I love you and you are safe with me."

You speak for the rest of us. You light up the dark places in me so that I can name that terror that hides there and thereby take away some of its power. Never stop doing what you are doing for the world. We need your whole heart for us to be able to find ours.

And we love you.

[Shannon]

You are amazing and inspire me to be more authentic and courageous with my beautiful vulnerability. BRING IT ON!

[Luci McKean]

II, too, was in the Palm Springs audience, and previously in the week had had several fist-bump, high-five, so-excited-for-Brene-we-could-hardly-speak interactions with Mike Lundgren of TEDxKC.

I can imagine your vulnerability hangover must be exponentially stronger than my TEDhangover, but I gotta say, you did it up right for EVERY ONE of us who've read your books, built book clubs around them, watched your talks and read your blog.

Among my stellar TED moments, I count meeting you backstage at KC among the best, so much because you shared your vulnerability. It's not just that you SHOW us, but that you share it, and that is such an amazing gift.

So I'm sending virtual hugs from Indiana, and hoping you're having an easy week of recovery. Because thegodsknow you deserve it! Thanks for carrying the authenticity banner for all of us perfectly imperfect humans!

Luci

[Lisa]

Brene...your truth is so clear and honest and moving. Thank you for all that you add to the world.

[Michelle Andres]

Congratulations on the courage it took to be vulnerable on the TED stage. Also, a big THANK YOU, for putting so succinctly into words, what the experience is like for so many of us when we're called on (or make a choice) to be vulnerable. You are definitely an inspiration. I look forward to seeing the talk.

[Jenn Ross]

Wow..I cannot wait to hear and see your latest TED presentation. As many have said before me, thanks for being real, for showing your own vulnerability. We are all in this together. As a health coach to women over 40 I see so much of this coming up and keeping them from living a whole hearted life. You are a source of real life inspiration. Just finished reading your book the "The Gifts of Imperfection" and loved it. So much is in there I am going to have to read it again. Congrats and thanks for all that you do!

[An]

Love your honesty and courage to be vulnerable over there at TED and over here on your blog. That's such a beautiful, powerful and inspiring example of leading by example. Take care and enjoy your hangover ;)

[Sonia]

Bravo Brene!

[Molly]

May I remind you that you are "enough" - even at TED! I've seen you speak multiple times and never been disappointed. I'm sure you "Rocked It" and I can't wait to watch it. Be kind to yourself and thanks for sharing.

[Martina]

Dear Brené,

I want to take this opportunity to thank you for your Houston talk. I stumbled upon it by chance about a year ago and couldn't believe how well you put into words what I've been feeling and learning to understand since my own 'spiritual awakening'. It was such a wonderful talk, I even cried a little at the end and I feel deep admiration for you and your work. From my perspective it was a perfect talk, given by a very wise, funny, confident and intelligent woman and the word vulnerable hasn't even crossed my mind until now. So thank you for sharing your vulnerability hangover. I feel like I spent my whole life being perfectly prepared for everything I ever did, but upon entering the world of academia recently I find myself increasingly nervous and panicky in a it's-never-enough kind of way. I doubt my own capabilities and the theme of my research and this is a very new and a very raw feeling for me! Learning that even those we admire are vulnerable ... helps. I need to believe that wonderful comes from vulnerable, but I guess I also need to learn that sometimes vulnerable just stays vulnerable.

Best,

Martina

[Mary]

Okay... I love that you quoted Leonard Cohen (we actually had his version of Always as our wedding song! LOL)!
You really struck something with your insight about the difference in perception of vulnerability in others and vulnerability in ourselves. I will be thinking about that....
I can't wait to see the talk, I'm sure it is wonderful!

[Jeanne]

Your vulnerability resonates with me tonight because I am prepping for a presentation tomorrow. I too tend to hide before I am Vulnerable. Its as if I am conserving my energy for the onslaught of fear. I appreciate your honesty and I'll take the feeling that I am not alone in feeling vulnerable with me tomorrow.

[Sharon Tregoning]

Brene, thank you. By showing your vulnerability & your authentic experience of it, your reaction to it, you have given more of us the courage to step into ours.

Namaste, Sharon xxx

PS Your Houston talk had a profound impact on my journey & I want to thank you for that xxx

[Jan Myhre]

I shared the first TED talk with a friend who cried through your entire talk. She said she didn't want to ever be vulnerable because it hurt too much. Then I read where you said, "If you love, you are vulnerable." I hope those words give her the courage to embrace vulnerability when I share them with her. I know they helped me do just that.

[Pamela]

Brene

When I first heard your name it was when you spoke at TED Houston. I felt I needed to listen more than once to soak up all I could. I am hungary for what you had to say. I believe in what you have to say. I appreciate the spiritual connection you share yet the laid back attitude in which you share it all. I was raised in a very strict Christain home and everything was black and white and as children walked around the house as little soldiers. Many things have happened in my life that has shown me things aren't always black and white and sometimes you need to just let your hair down! Life is way to short to take it so seriously! Thank you again for being you and I wish so much I had a friend here in Dallas, Texas that was just like you! You are so appreciated!
P.S. I am reading your book "The Gifts of Imperfection" and lovin it!

[Jeanette W. Stickel]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your words so accurately reflect my thought process, "Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me." To see it written is an eye-opener. I'm hoping to change (at least start to change) my thinking about my own vulnerability so I'm not longer repelled by the very idea.

[Debbie N]

I can't wait to watch this- I was searching for it today. Do you know when it will be up to view?

[Stephanie, The Recipe Renovator]

Brene, I saw you speak at BlogHer last year and then made the connection to your TED talk. When I heard they'd invited you to TED I was so excited for you, and I'm sure you rocked it again. I love your comparisons here... It's okay when you do it, but not okay when I feel this way. Thanks for inspiring the world.

[Shannon from mynewfavoriteday]

This is so wonderful Brene.

Congratulations on your Ted presentation. It's so exciting and vulnerability is an amazing topic and gift to give yourself and others. While completely terrifying it is simultaneously liberating. Looking forward to finding your speech and watching it online. Hope you get some rest both physically and emotionally.

[Bernhard]

Brene, thank you so much for daring to be vulnerable and talking about vulnerability and shame! I was deeply moved and inspired when I saw your talk (at TEDactive in Palm Springs).

[Barb Markway]

Thank you seems so inadequate for all the risks you take. I have been looking for your recent TED talk and haven't found it yet, but this blog post explained something I had never thought of. I am a psychologist and have written and spoken about my own shyness and social anxiety. I have always felt completely wiped out/have to go to bed/crying after I share a lot publicly. (The writing part is fine; it's just when I have to talk about it that it gets tough!) I always thought it was because I was such an introvert and just was drained because of my introverted nature. But I think the part you said about sharing your vulnerability in our culture can take a toll really fits. I always swear I will never speak/write about myself again, but then I feel compelled once again to share my story in the hopes it will speak to someone else. You give me courage and conviction that I'm doing the right thing, even when it's hard. I hope you can rest and that the hangover will pass more quickly this time :)

[Andrea]

Your courage and bravery are inspirational! Thank you for sharing yourself with us!

[Allison]

Thank you so much for being so brave! I can only imagine how much courage it took, I very likely would have fainted/had a panic attack right there on stage...but know that we are all grateful for your willingness to overcome your fears and do it anyway. I think about how much the world would be missing without your contributions - so many lives have been transformed as a result of you practicing vulnerability! You are my hero!

[Annie Haven | Authentic Haven Brand]

Wonderful post and thank you for sharing there is reinforcement in your words and that is always comforting for those of us that ware our vulnerability on our sleeve each day.

[kelly]

I love you! Thanks for always bringing me right there.

[Kim]

I love how you closed your post with, "In our culture, wholeheartedness is often a quiet sense of freedom mixed with a little battle fatigue." Absolutely true! I can't tell you how many times I've felt this way, yet didn't have the words to convey the feeling properly. Thank you.

I'm so glad you were chosen to speak TED, and can't wait to see the video!

[Special K]

Brene,

I can't wait to hear your latest TED talk. I found out about you for the first time last week and I've watched your Houston talk several times and read your Gifts of Imperfection book already. You've had a gamechanging impact on me. I've been doing the courage and vulnerability and being myself thing without knowing it but I haven't imposed boundaries or accountability enough in my life to yield the compassion for self and others needed to experience love and belonging on a consistent basis. I've already begun the ridiculously tough work to get there!

[Liz Ness]

I'm so grateful for your vunerability, because it lets me lean into mine. Thank you so much for your courage, your willingness to share your vunerability and courage and gifts, and for just being you. You ROCK and I wish I could tell you that in person. =)

[J]

What you've done and what you do matters so much. Your words melt any emotional callous that I'm carrying at the time...

And your TEDX houston talk was the most significant turning point in my marriage when my wife and I watched it together...

I feel so tender towards you even though I've never met you.

Thank You So Much!

[Amy]

Hi Brene
When will TED be posting your Long Beach talk - Like many I love your work and how you present it. We are both scorpions and I so get you !!!!

Cheers from Australia

[Ranee]

WOW....
It's courage in YOU... I'm drwan by your vulnerabiltybut repelled by my own.

I can't even begin to articulate what that's doing to me as I process it!